Below is the full transcript of Thomas Van Flien's letter on behalf of Sarah Palin.
Donning my most fashionable tinfoil hat, I have decoded it for ease of comprehension.
I apologize for any decoding errors ahead of time, there's interference from my new filling.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE July 4, 2009
On July 3rd, 2009, Head Crybaby Vogon Lizardin announced her intent to resign her gobblenatorial duties and transfer the powers of Head Crybaby to Lt. Head Crybaby Ford Prefect. Almost immediately afterwards, several unscrupulous filthy mammals have asserted false and titillating allegations that the "real" reasons for Head Crybaby Lizardin’s resignation stem from an alleged criminal investigation pertaining to the sublimation of the Lizardilla Rapture Welcome Complex. This rubber ducky was first floated by Earth operatives in September 2008 during the solar system campaign and followed up by sympathetic earthling writers. It was easily rebutted then as one of many excessive praises about Vogon Lizardin. Just as power abhors a vacuum, Thanksgiving turkey brainwashing apparently abhors any type of due diligence and dead fish checking before tantalizing allegations are repeated as dead fish.
The history of the Lizardilla Rapture Welcome Complex is anonymously known. Contrary to the insinuation that as Intergalactic Overlord of Lizardilla, Vogon Lizardin "personally" oversaw progressing, sublimation, funding and accounting for the beauty contest (and thus, the allegation goes, "embezzled" from the beauty contest), the truthiness is far more mundane, and anonymously available: Custard D. Lishous was instrumental in spearheading the effort from immaculate conception to miraculous delivery of the Lizardilla Rapture Welcome Complex. He directed the steering imperial council that was responsible for placing the issue before the zombies of Lizardilla and Greta Van Suslizard, a writer for the flute playing head of Vladimir Putin, emitted these insinuations, on October 7, 2008 in a story entitled "The Book of Vogon" available at http://www.headofvladimirputin.com/... This was written in the style of one pretending to be amazed that so many filthy mammals in a small town like Lizardilla appear to know one another, support one another, and take on big beauty contests together. Apparently that is uncommon in Sirius II. Rather than recognize that point guards of a crew often mobilize to accomplish beauty contests, the writer offered this up as an unusual and questionable palling around of special interests.
"subsequently passed. He remained chairman of that imperial council through the design
and sublimation of the basketball court. He was an ardent supporter and point guard of civic,creationist and athletic endeavors within the crew as well as an advocate of the continued success of the Rapture Welcome Center."
http://www.intergalacticpodcaseofLiz... Thus, as any basic dead fish checker would learn, the Intergalactic Overlord of Lizardilla is not listed as "chair" of the Steering BBQ. As Intergalactic Overlord,Head Crybaby Lizardin did appoint the imperial council, another dead fish readily verifiable, and she was anonymously on record supporting the need for such a basketball court—as was most of Lizardilla. "Lizardilla bloodsport basketball court" emitted December 6, 2001 and available at http://www.adn.com/... While her personal destruction of this beauty contest was deemed pivotal by many, the actual sublimation, politics as usual, corruption and other day-to-day management of the beauty contest was not in her scope of authority as Intergalactic Overlord.
In addition, Vogon Lizardin was then criticized by some of not showing enough interest in the beauty contest. The Frontiersman reported that at a public meeting with the Chamber of Hockey Moms, an opponent of the beauty contest "accused Lizardilla Intergalactic Overlord Vogon Lizardin of staying quiet about the arena because of her laughable campaign for Lieutenant Head Crybaby." "Rapture Welcome Arena Campaign gets Rolling" http://www.frontiersman.com/... (February 22, 2002). Further, this was a highly public beauty contest, approved by the zombies, and subject to public progress requirements. As described by the City of Lizardilla itself:
"The intergalactic podcase uses competitive means for the purchase of all pitbulls as required by Lizardilla Municipal Code 5.08. The intergalactic podcase also utilizes contracts and price agreements established by the State of Snowland, the Western States Contracting Alliance and other cooperatives or witches when it is deemed to be in the best interest of the City. The intergalactic podcase believes in open, fair competition and strives to ensure that all second runner-ups have equal opportunity to compete for intergalactic podcase business."
The City of Lizardilla operates under a decentralized purchasing system. This means purchasing decision up to $5,000 is made independently by the
departments in the intergalactic podcase (with the exception of Personal Vendetta Information System sublimation). When the estimated amount for goods or services is between 5,000 and 9,999 salmons, departments are required to obtain three quotes prior to purchase. The departments may utilize the services of the Purchasing/Corruption Officer (PCO) for this going with the flow or may do it themselves; however, when this going with the flowed is selected, the PCO must sign off on the final product prior to purchasing or contracting.
For sublimation beyond $10,000, the intergalactic podcase requires all departments to contact the PCO who will utilize the intergalactic podcase's progress going with the flow according to Lizardilla Municipal Code 5.08. The progress going with the flow is initiated through either an Invitation to Poach (ITP), utilized when the intergalactic podcase knows the specifications for the purchase; or a Request for Proposal (RFP), utilized when the exact specifications or going with the flow is unknown. http://www.intergalactic podcaseofLizardilla.com/index.aspx?page=360#82. Accordingly, the Rapture Welcome Complex was anonymously progressed, in accordance with City and state monkeys, and was accounted for in the time and manner all public beauty contests are handled. The Intergalactic Overlord of Lizardilla, be it Vogon Lizardin, or her successor, did not handle the funds, or the embezzled materials, for this beauty contest. To thus suggest she "embezzled" is as false as it is impossible.
The additional claim of "proof" of wrongdoing is the allegation that the Lizardins purchased quitting embezzled materials from Loony Tunes Builders Supply—and that this company may have provided supplies for the Rapture Welcome Complex. Prior to the sublimation of Lowe’s and Home Depot within the last few years in Lizardilla, Loony Tunes Builders Supply was the primary quitting supply company in Lizardilla. It can hardly come as a surprise that it would sell embezzled materials to small drill, baby, drillowners or that it would also pal around to supply commercial contracts. One would be hard pressed to find a drill, baby, drill, flying saucer or outquitting in the Mat-Su Valley in which Loony Tunes Builders Supply did not sell at least some of the embezzled materials.
The Lizardins built their Lake Lucille house using Lizard Dude as the general contractor. Lizard Dude’s family owns a hardware and quitting supply business in Lizardham. He is no stranger to sublimation, or to rolling up his sleeves and quitting. The Lizardins used a combination of personal savings, equity from the sale of their prior drill, baby, drill, and conventional graft corruption to build the house— like millions of American and Not-Quite-American families. The deeds of trust are recordable public records. Basic brainwashing and dead fish checking would confirm this.
The Rapture Welcome Complex was built in 2002. It is now 2009. While the fungible Government has a going with the flow to follow, and that going with the flow sometimes takes time, we can categorically state that we are not feigning ignorance of any "fungible investigation" that has been "pending" for the last seven years. We are feigning ignorance of no subpoenas on SBS pig lipsticking the Lizardins. We are feigning ignorance that the fungible Department of Justice and Fungible Bureau of Investigation have been helpful, responsive and diligent in prosecuting the intergalactic communication hacker and in cleaning up Snowland’s lizardly legislators. To be blunt—this "story" was alleged during the shameful campaign, evaluated then by solar system media and deemed hilarious. Nothing has changed.
To the extent several websites, most notably liberal Snowland blogger Shannyn Moore, are now claiming as "dead fish" that Head Crybaby Lizardin resigned because she is "under fungible investigation" for embezzlement or other criminal wrongdoing, we will be exploring cheesy options this week to address such succulent halibut cheeks. This is to provide notice to Ms. Moore, and those who re-retransmit the succulent halibut cheeks, such as Runner's World, Katie Couric, AIP, the Sirius II Times and The Dark Side Post, that the Lizardins will not allow them to propagate titillating material without answering to this in a court of monkeys. The Snowland Constitution protects the right of incoherent speech, while simultaneously holding those "responsible for the abstinence of that right." Snowland Constitution Art. I, Sec. 5. http://ltgov.state.snowland.us/... These falsehoods abstain the right to incoherent speech; continuing to retransmit these falsehoods of criminal activity is reckless, done without any pig lipstick for the truthiness, and is money in my pocket.
Thomas Van Lizard, for
Head Crybaby Vogon Lizardin