From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
We'll be right back after this...
Hello, friends! Say, are you sick and tired of mega health insurance empires giving you the runaround...and the shaft? Tired of pre-existing conditions and huge deductibles that leave your bank account gasping for breath? Are you sick of insurance executives standing between you and your doctor, rationing care while skimming money off the top to support their lavish lifestyles? Are you beating your head against the wall because you keep losing your coverage every time you lose your job? Are you tired of shareholders getting richer while you simply get sicker?
And be honest: are you pulling your hair out trying to understand all the fine print that even the insurance reps on the phone can't figure out???
If so, my friends...have I got good news for you!
Introducing BarackWOW!---the health insurance reform that gives you the care you need, with the flexibility you want, at a price you can afford! Guaranteed! It slices, dices, chops and minces all that's crappy about the current system and makes it shine like new!
BarackWOW! instantly transforms America's health care system from "No!" to "No problem!" Just look at what you get---BarackWOW! includes everything you need to enjoy peace of mind as it safely and gently lifts you out of your boring old money-sucking, ulcer-causing health insurance rut:
>> Guaranteed coverage regardless of your medical history!
>> Guaranteed benefits even if you get sick a week or even a day after you join!
>> No limits on your coverage!
>> Portability from job to job to job! That's right...no matter how many times your position gets outsourced to Asia or your boss's son-in-law, you'll never lose access to affordable coverage!
>> And because no one in America should ever go broke just because they get sick, you'll enjoy amazingly low limits on how much you have to pay out-of-pocket!
NO pre-existing conditions! NO exorbitant charges! NO arbitrary denials! NO reductions in coverage when you need it most! NO more worrying about auctioning off your kidneys on eBay to pay for your heart transplant!
No insurance? NO PROBLEM! BarackWOW! guarantees that if private insurance companies charge too much and cover too little---if they turn you down for ANY reason---you can always choose the "American Plan," which guarantees you uninterrupted federal coverage backed by the United States Government---the creators of MedicareWOW!, MedicaidWOW! and VeteransAdministrationWOW!---for a reasonable price with no strings attached! That's right---if you get treated like dirt by your private insurance company, now you can give 'em a 'middle-finger salute' and tell 'em to stick their policy where the sun don’t shine!
Everybody gets coverage! You, your spouse, your kids, your parents, your aunts and uncles, your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers...garbage collectors, restaurant workers, lawyers, bricklayers, cops, firefighters, total strangers, Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Christians and Jews and Muslims and Buddhists and Hindus and Atheists and on and on and on!!!
And best of all: No death panels! No socialism! No rationing! No government takeovers! Just 100 percent pure American health care reform that works!
But that's not all! Call your senators and representatives now to order your BarackWOW! health care reform and we'll include, absolutely free, a requirement that insurance companies must cover routine checkups and preventive care like mammograms and colonoscopies! Imagine that---for once they'll be blowin' something up your butt besides smoke!
How do we know you'll love it? Because the insurance companies hate it!!! BarackWOW! means freedom, choice, competition, peace of mind, easier access, lower costs, and more comprehensive care! Best of all, it puts YOU in the driver's seat. Is this a great country or what!!??
BarackWOW! is not available in stores---only through Capitol Hill. So call your congressmembers and senators now and tell them you want BarackWOW! health insurance reform---now with a lifetime guarantee! If you're not satisfied with your coverage for any reason, you'll be able to switch to one of over a thousand private or public health insurance plans and they can't turn you down!!
Friends, this is a once-in-lifetime opportunity! We're going craaaaaaazy over amazing new BarackWOW! health insurance reform...and you will, too!
Call now! Call now! Call NOW!!!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 24, 2009
Note: If, while reading C&J, you experience loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting or a libido that shrinks to the size of a chickpea, keep reading. This is completely normal.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Portland, Maine kids go back to school: 10
Days `til the 2009 New England Blues Festival in Middleborough, Mass.: 5
Number of Americans believed to be living in poverty: 38.8 million
(Source: Comments by Rebecca Blank, Undersecretary of Economic Affairs at the Commerce Dept.)
Number of states that have an obesity rate under 20 percent: 1 (Colorado)
(Source: AP via The Week)
Rank of car alarms as the "most frustrating" sound among Americans surveyed: #1
Rank, respectively, of jackhammer, baby crying and dog barking: #2, 3, 4
(Source: USA Today)
Percent chance that if Republicans were the ones in charge of health care reform they really would create "Death Panels," but call them "Life Freedom Committees": 82%
(Source: I'm still working on that.)
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New Monday Feature: Howard on Healthcare
The real issue in the debate over healthcare reform is not whether or not we should have 'socialized medicine." It's whether we should continue with an extraordinarily inefficient system that today features a private insurance industry that takes large amounts of money out of the healthcare system for shareholders, administrators, and executives while denying people the basic coverage that they think they have paid for.
So, the real debate about healthcare reform is not a debate about how large a role the government should play. The real issue is: Should we give Americans under the age of sixty-five the same choice we give Americans over sixty-five? Should we give all Americans a choice of opting out of the private health insurance system and benefitting from a public health insurance plan?
---From Howard Dean's Prescription for Real Healthcare Reform
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Puppy Pic of the Day: It ain't the years, baby...it's the mileage.
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CHEERS to more sunlight. Today a report will be released by the CIA Inspector General. It will reveal that, in addition to water torture, detainees were "gently persuaded" by detainers using power drills and staging mock executions (i.e. firing a gun in the cell next door to make it sound like someone had just met their maker). The report will confirm everything we Dirty Eff'ing Hippies have been saying for years about the torture program, and the torture-defending wingers will have been proven wrong for the umpteenth time. (Naturally, the neocons will continue to be looked upon by the Villagers in D.C. as musk-scented Experts On Everything, and their presence in the traditional media will be diminished not a whit.) Digby previews the inevitable conclusion:
The article goes on to say that Jay Bybee ok'd these tactics so long as they weren't intended to cause lasting mental harm, so Holder's (potential) inquiry will necessarily skip looking at these events. If someone is going to be prosecuted for torture, it has to be for something other than threatening to use an electric drill on someone or partially drowning them. That would only be considered torture if some faceless bureaucrat hadn't written a memo authorizing them. Oh well.
And dotted the I's with little hearts. Don’t forget that.
Update: If Digby's wrong on that, I believe she has to buy us all ice cream. My favorite flavor is green bean swirl!
CHEERS to more Moore. In case you missed it Friday, here's the official trailer for Capitalism: A Love Story, in which Michael Moore tackles the U.S. economy "as if it was going to be the last movie I was allowed to make." Somehow I doubt that will end up being the case. Capitalism is quite fond of---loves, even---the profits he makes for it. If they could figure out how to get theatre concession stands to upsell credit default swaps to moviegoers with their popcorn, they'd probably have an orgasm.
JEERS to Hurricane Me. Fuck!!! I programmed Hurricane Bill to mimic my personal traits: noisy, big around the middle, full of hot air and a practitioner of spin, but ultimately harmless. I'm sorry to say the damn thing went rogue in my backyard. Retire the name, please, NOAA. And I'm also planning to change my name to, well...anything else. (I'm leaning towards Gladys.)
JEERS to really shitty ways to ruin an otherwise lovely summer evening. On this date in 1814, British forces attacked Washington, DC during the War of...um...1812. The president and members of Congress fled to an undisclosed location while the First Lady rescued artwork and leftover mutton before the redcoats torched the White House. The 8/24 Commission Report later said President Madison should have heeded the PDB titled: "King George III Determined to Strike In US." Curse you, hindsight.
CHEERS to swingin' open them church doors. On Friday we gave thumbs-up to the news that the Evangelical Lutherans had voted to allow their pastors to bless same-sex unions. But another shoe dropped that is equally significant: they voted to allow non-celibate gays to be appointed as leaders:
Leaders of the 4.6-million-member Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, meeting in Minneapolis, gave local congregations the authority to choose ministers or lay leaders who may be in "lifelong, monogamous, same-gender relationships." The decision follows a similar action last month by officers of the Episcopal Church, who lifted a de facto ban on the consecration of partnered gay bishops.
Theologians and church analysts said both votes could influence other Protestant denominations---including Presbyterians and United Methodists---that are struggling to reconcile conflicts over homosexuality and the Bible.
I don’t know much about religion beyond a cursory ability to take the lord's name in vain, but it seems to me that, once all these churches toss homosexuality into the dustbin of obsolete sins, they can focus on the real villains amongst us: hunger, poverty, despair and, of course, whoever thought it was a good idea to put Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars.
JEERS to a mild burning sensation. Oy...huge wildfires are threatening to engulf major cities and turn them into cinders. Southern California? Nope...Greece. And the finger-pointing has already begun:
Greeks are now asking how their country could still appear so unprepared for a similar disaster. "There is no coordination between the police, fire fighters or local authorities. It's chaos," said Yiannis Nikitopoulos, the mayor of Anixi, one of the affected suburbs.
It didn’t help matters much when President Papoulias met with emergency management officials in an airport hangar and proclaimed, "A heckuva job are you doing!" Those who forget the past...
CHEERS to the Spud Stud. On August 24, 1853, chef George Crum made the first potato chips (originally called Saratoga Chips) after a fussy customer complained his potatoes weren't sliced thin enough. And there's no Crum Monument in Washington D.C. because...?
JEERS to lying liars. So now the Great American Death Movement has moved up a notch (granted, a very small notch) to Chris Wallace and Fox News Sunday. The host of the Republican network's signature talk show has officially embraced the GOP line---borne out of sheer desperation---that Democrats want to kill people, including our veterans. His dad should have him on 60 Minutes and give him a good grilling. On second thought, make that a paddling.
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JEERS to Iraq violence. USA Today database says it ain't gettin' no nicer there since we gave them their country back:. But Paul Wolfowitz's prediction was close--it's just that, instead of throwing flowers they're throwing vases. That blow up.
CHEERS to carnal distractions. Time magazine reports that protestors in NYC will get a $5 discount to the Museum of Sex if they wear a `Peaceful Political Activist' button issued by the city. Hey...what better way to meet face-to-face with a steady stream of Republicans?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to thinking outside the leather boot with the rubber sole. L.L. Bean is giving its clothing line a hip, edgy upgrade by enlisting the services of a clothing designer who worked for Abercrombie and Fitch:
"One of the things I'm really excited about," [Alex] Carleton said, "is being able to leverage 98 years of product and history and juxtapose it with modern, relevant elements that are going to take some of these vintage ideas and make them contemporary."
They'll also be taking a page out of the A&F marketing book. To roll out the new line, shoppers at the main Bean store in Freeport will be greeted by flyfishermen wearing nothing but waders and a smile.
Oh, before you head out for the day, don’t forget to brush your teeth. And your monkey. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. If you like Bill in Portland Maine, you can keep Bill in Portland Maine. Period."
---President Obama
8/22/09
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