From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Visiting D.C.??
While you're on Capitol Hill, you should definitely visit the office of your congressperson. All congressional offices are located near the Capitol in some hideously ugly buildings.
To locate your specific congressperson, go into one of these buildings and open a door at random; you should see a receptionist. Go up to this person and say, "Hi! I'm (your name) from (your state). Where's my congressperson's office?" If the receptionist cannot answer, or starts asking you for obscure information such as your congressperson's name (as if you would ever know that), remind the receptionist in a loud but firm voice that you are a taxpayer, dammit, and you did not come all the way to Washington, D.C., to be treated in a snotty manner.
When you eventually locate your congressperson's office, remember that, because we live in a republic, it's really your office. Feel free to use the phone, rearrange the furniture, help yourself to office supplies, or leave your kids with your congressperson while you go shopping. Your congressperson is there to serve you! At least that's what he says in all those newsletters he mails to you at your expense.
Tipping: It is customary to tip your congressperson a dollar for each child you leave for more than twelve hours. If you wish your congressperson to provide an extra service, such as holding a hearing or introducing a bill, the suggested gratuity is $5,000.
---From "Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway"
Have a great weekend, gang! Cheers and Jeers---with Friday tip jar---starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 20, 2005...
Note: Will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Memorial Day: 10
Days `til Star Wars: Episode VII: ???
Percent of men who say they could do a lifeguard's job: 50%
Percent of lifeguard rescues that involve rip currents: 80%
Number of men who have had sex on a beach: 2-in-7
(Source: Men's Health)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,178
Days spent at terror alert Green or Blue: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day "I started the weekend without ya. Hope ya don't mind."
Star Wars, Episode III (C&J's rating goes like this: First third, 3-out-of-5. Middle third, 2-out-of-5. Final third, 6-out-of-5)...
CHEERS to Ian McDiarmid. He deserves a supporting actor Oscar nomination for his amazing portrait of the Emperor who remains evil incarnate through all 6 movies. Don't look now, but Darth Vader just got upstaged...big time.
JEERS to lies and deception. No, not the Empire...the $!#$% movie theatre that posted certain times at their online box office, but later added earlier showings that we could've gone to instead. Phhhhttt! And you wonder why people stay at home and cuddle their DVDs...
JEERS to the lines. Or rather, the lack thereof. I remember the good old days when the Star Wars flicks played on one screen per theatre. And we sat in line for hours in 6 feet of snow with hot potatoes in our pockets to keep our hands warm and we LIKED IT!! Now they'll let anybody in. Feh---I coulda slept in.
CHEERS to the message. Anyone who doesn't see parallels between the emperor's power grab in Star Wars and GOP shenanigans in Congress is either ignorant or blind. The only difference: the Republicans shoot their lightning bolts out their ass.
JEERS to MoveonPAC. For clumsily exploiting Star Wars in their new ads against Bill Frist and the Nuclear Option. Guys, do you really expect people to take `em seriously? Donation denied.
CHEERS to Anakin's demise. Oh boy, he gets it but good! That's payback for being such an annoying wimpytwit in parts one and two. But now that you've become a charred piece of leftover pork chop, kid...all is forgiven.
The rest...
CHEERS to the cable guy. He just installed a new modem for our PC (that's why C&J is late today), and now we're sitting in front of a 5" x 7" box of high-speed whoopass. Vroom vroom, baby!
CHEERS to weekend TV. Howard Dean appears on Meet the Press Sunday. But you won't have to start holding your breath until Saturday night. Grab `em by the short `n curlies, Guv'nor!
CHEERS to dissecting the madness. In the wake of the Newsweek hubbub, a gaggle of congresspeople will host a media bias forum with panelists Al Franken, David Brock and others. Says a House staffer: "Specifically, there's been a great deal of disappointment of the media's coverage of the Iraq war and the Downing Street memo and great concern about the White House's efforts to intimidate media outlets such as they've done in the Newsweek matter." Will the forum do any good? I'm sure the corporate media will tell us.
JEERS to faulty predictions. On this day in 1926, Thomas Edison said Americans would always prefer silent movies over talkies. Not quite---only the ones starring Madonna. Or Roberto Benigni.
CHEERS to Jimmy Stewart. Born 97 years ago today. How come actors like this aren't the ones who become governor and/or president? We miss ya, Mr. Smith.
JEERS to Bush family values. Guess who's coming to dinner at the White House? A porn star! Says Mary Carey: "I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove. Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!" Pass the asparagus, please...and the lube.
CHEERS to the new Abercrombie and Fitch poster boy. I see London, I see France, I see someone's underpants!! Somebody needs a maaaaanbra...
P.S. Memo to the Iraqi judicial committee: Um, maybe a cage and a thong in Saddam Square would be a good punishment while he awaits the trial that apparently will never happen? Just a thought.
CHEERS to Al Franken. The Van Helsing of the left turns 54 tomorrow. Here's to the exposure of "Lies!" for many years to come.
C&J Flashback: May 20, 2004...
CHEERS to bizarre twists. Now we've busted into the home of Bush's sweetheart, Ahmed Chalabi, put a gun to his head, and taken his stuff. And now begins the chocolate binge...the heartache...burning the honeymoon scrapbook...crying yourself to sleep... Breaking up's a bitch. [5/20/05 update: We hear they're dating again. Will these crazy kids never learn...?]
JEERS to the Battle for Hearts and Minds. U.S. aircraft mow down 40 Iraqis at a wedding party. Army officials say the dancers, musicians, buffet table, giggling children and festive decorations looked suspicious.
And just one more...
CHEERS to the singed butthair of the dog. Hey, it's Friday... Knock yourself out. Of course, if they were real dogs they'd be SBDs...
Floor's open, weekend's open, pool's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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