From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Pre-Holiday Late Night Snark
"Firefighters are working around the clock to control fires here in California. I hate to say it, but this is what we get for making forests out of wood."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Stop acting so surprised that 90% of our paper money has cocaine on it. This is America. You're lucky it doesn't have gravy on it."
---Bill Maher
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"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85 percent finished with her book, which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book."
---Conan O'Brien
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"Jenna Bush---talk about a great gig---is going to be on the Today show. ... They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had."
---David Letterman
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"Do you know that some politicians are seriously suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president? These politicians are called 'Democrats.'"
---Craig Ferguson
And this little flashback from one year ago, when a new Republican supernova had just burst on the scene and captured America's gag reflex heart:
"She knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. ... And, uh, she also happens to represent, be governor of a state that's right next to Russia."
---John McCain on Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience
If only he'd won...[sniff]...there'd be moosemeat in every pot and a unicorn in every garage.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 4, 2009
Note: As for the schedule, there will be a C&J---an abbreviated one---Monday. Since it's Labor Day and this here gig is my labor, we'll have a little collective powwow/performance review and discuss whether you want to re-hire me for another year. But I warn you---I will be demanding a public option. Specifically a not-wearing-clothes-in-public option. Have a safe weekend. Buckle up, obey all applicable road signs, and smoke your weed AFTER you reach your destination.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til President Obama addresses a joint session of Congress: 5
Days `til the 52nd annual Mackinac Bridge Walk: 3
Annual per-person consumption of French fries in the U.S.: 16 pounds
Annual consumption of pizza: 23 pounds
(Source: The Week)
Percent of Americans surveyed who believe women should take their husband's last name when they marry: 70%
(Source: American Sociological Association via USA Today)
Number of commuters who leave for work between midnight and 5:59 a.m.: 17 million
(Source: Census Bureau)
Hour considered "prime time" on the internet this summer: 11pm ET
(Source: AP)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,733
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh my!
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CHEERS to finding the silver lining in the dungheap. Good news regarding the unemployment rate: after parsing the data seven ways to Sunday and climbing into Paul Krugman's bedroom window last night to confirm our numbers, we've concluded that the unemployment rate will likely not exceed 50 percent. And one other theory we've confirmed: when you read Goodnight Moon to Paul Krugman, he'll be fast asleep by the first reference to the "big bowl of mush."
JEERS to soiled diapers and other assorted dirty laundry. Let's say you’re a lightweight but hard-core "God, Guns and No Gays" conservative, and you've just been foolishly tapped to be the Republican candidate for vice president. But your teenage daughter just got knocked up out of wedlock and that might look a little...um...awkward. What do you do? Well, if you believe her ex-future-son-in-law, you try to convince your daughter and her not-husband to let you adopt the baby so you can dupe people into believing your Republican family values are shiny and intact. And everyone lives happily ever after! This and other weirdness courtesy of Levi Johnston's Vanity Fair confessions. Y'know, I've gotten several emails from oversensitive conservatives screaming, "Leave the Palin family ALONE!!! Let them have their PRIVACY!!!" So, out of guilt, I'd like to apologize here and now for prying into their private affairs via their poo-flinging appearances on the Today show, Good Morning, America, Larry King Live, People, US Weekly, Vanity Fair, The View, Facebook and Twitter. I'm a bad Billy.
CHEERS to home-away-from-home repairs. Astronauts at the International Space Station headed outside last night to install a new tank of coolant the size of a small car. Judging by photos released this afternoon by NASA, the coolant they're using is apparently called "Budweiser." (Please: Drink and spacewalk responsibly.)
P.S. Quick! Say "coolant" five times fast! No, not here, I mean in the middle of a church service!
JEERS to the Pudknocker Principle. If you're a Republican president and you sell your policies in a nationwide lecture to schoolchildren, it's a stirring and teachable moment. If you're a Democratic president and you use a nationwide lecture to schoolchildren to impart valuable life lessons like "study hard" and "get good grades," it's a quasi-fellatio socialist takeover of the hearts and minds of our most impressionable citizens and must be thwarted at all costs. Please update your brains accordingly.
P.S. NASCAR = Hitler.
CHEERS to that other city that never sleeps---mainly because they've got a giant wall of flames at their doorstep. Happy Birthday, City of Angels! On September 4, 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers. They would've settled sooner but traffic was a bitch.
CHEERS to serious side effects. The Justice Department has a message for Pfizer: if you swallow Frauditol, you may experience nausea, headaches and heartburn when you get slammed with a 2.3-billion dollar fine. That's gonna sting. The company says there's a chance they may have to dip into their secondary petty-cash drawer.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The big new DVD release this week is the Russell Crowe/Helen Mirren thriller State of Play, which looks pretty thrilly. TCM is releasing some 4-flick sets in the sci-fi, murder mystery and horror genres (Soylent Green, anyone?). And here's your Sunday "Villagers Speak...YOU LISTEN!" lineup:
Meet the Press: White House senior advisor David Axelrod will say, "We think we want a public option...in spirit, anyway" a hundred times; David Gregory reveals his mane-grooming secrets.
This Week: Robert Gibbs will say, "We think we want a public option...in spirit, anyway" a hundred times; Tom Daschle and Bob Dole will slap "KICK ME" signs on each other's backs to the amusement of all; George Stephanopoulos reveals his mane-grooming secrets, which are totally radical compared to David Gregory's.
Face the Nation: Sexiest Cabinet Member Alive Arne Duncan discusses Obama's speech to schools for the full half hour, mainly because Bob Schieffer has no mane-grooming secrets to reveal.
Washington Week: Calm, reflective analysis in an intimate setting. Feh!
The McLaughlin Group Pat Buchanan on how Hitler refused the Nobel Peace Prize out of modesty.
Bill Moyers Journal: The history of campaign finance reform.
Or you can just throw a tarp over the tube and go out for a nice walk. Heh...I'm a kidder.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 4, 2004
CHEERS to pistols at dawn. At GOP convention, Zell Miller challenges Chris Matthews to a duel. Executives at MSNBC are appalled at the idea of... What? We could get a million bucks per sponsor if we televise it? Tell the interns to polish the flintlocks!
JEERS to dead man falling. In Oregon, a plane preparing to scatter the ashes of a---surprise---dead man accidentally dropped the bag and sent it crashing through Barbara Vreeland's roof. The family of the deceased paid for the repairs, but Vreeland says, "I think some of their relative is still in our attic." When I die, I want to be dropped through the roof of the 700 Club.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to Minnesota memories. My, how time flies when you're watching your country go down the shitter. Why, it's already been a whole year since Republicans gathered in Minneapolis for their convention, where they set SWAT teams upon peaceful Democratic activists, rolled their eyes at the Ron Paulies, got a wink and a nod from their new goddess from Alaska ("She's purty!"), and thank god that George Bush was delivering his message via teleprompter back in D.C. Tonight C&J revisits its reflections from the hootenanny, the highlights of which the RNC put on a slick DVD that sold a whopping three copies (and they'd like to thank the Shady Pines Nursing Home in Hoboken for the generous bulk purchase):
Republicans sure are angry people. They should take a class or something to get that under control. Or maybe just do what Jesus did: chill, man.
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When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his veep choice, she became the thing the party hates most---an instant mega-celebrity, eclipsing even Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and...Barack Obama. Whoops!
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Don’t feel bad, tech crew. I mean, anyone could've confused Walter Reed Medical Center with Walter Reed Middle School. And by that I mean anyone not familiar with the Google.
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Republican operatives have officially welcomed 9/11 into their bag of acceptable advertising and marketing tools. The families of the victims must be thrilled to know that the horrific deaths of their loved ones can now be used to sell stuff.
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If we lose this election it will be traced directly back to one thing: our team didn’t have a balloon drop and theirs did.
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Sarah Palin is the new savior of the Republican party as long as she never takes a single question from a reporter ever again as long as she lives.
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I wonder if Republicans ridicule community service organizers when they need something from them, or if they just ridicule them when they don’t need something and also during conventions.
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President George H.W. Bush said during his 1989 inaugural address: "I have spoken of a thousand points of light, of all the community organizations that are spread like stars throughout the Nation, doing good." Save it for your liberal pals, you no-good San Francisco Marxist hippie.
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Gee, what will the "proper authorities" in Mineapolis-St. Paul do with their time now that they no longer have innocent protestors to beat the crap out of and unlawfully arrest? Go back to kicking kittens, I expect.
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I agree with Tom Ridge: John Bush is his own man. Too bad John McCain isn't.
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Wardrobe malfunction: McCain didn’t have the common decency and patriotism to wear a flag pin. But I hear his nipple medallions had eagles on them.
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This is just my opinion, Cindy, but $300,000 seems a little steep for duds and bling. I hope that wasn't the red-tag sale price.
Good times. Nausea-inducing, yes, but good. For us.
Have a lovely weekend full of no labor. Unless it's the birthin' kind, in which case...Puuuuuuush!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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