Back in November 2003, before Saddam Hussein was captured and all of that, a fellow nerd sent me something he cooked up late one night:
I hope you enjoy it. If you send this to anyone else, please include the copyright.
PERIODIC TABLE OF THE TRANS-NIXONIAN ELEMENTS
Goldwater
Also known as the Right Isotope of Phlogiston, suspected of creating all Trans-Nixonian Elements, including the lightweight Bushium Series (the Ignoble Gasbags), the hypermassive Neoconnium Series, and the deadly Devium Series.
Nixonium
Heavyweight element with extremely long half-life, emits foul radiation, but not a member of the Neoconnium Series (see Neandroconnium Series, including Reaganium, Meesium, Mitchellium, Kissingerium and Wattium.)
Newtium
Also known as Hostilium, was first publicly detected member of Neoconnium Series, though others were known to exist.
Neoconnium
Emits an unknown form of radiation that causes voters to believe any lie, often found in deposits of Rovium, Rummium, Chenium, and Homophobium (no known techniques can separate these elements).
Bushium
Lightest of all the Trans-Nixonian Elements, has no substance whatsoever,absorbs its characteristics from any Neoconnium Elements present, Bushium-2 isotope pre-emptively dangerous.
Rovium
Also known as Devium, acts as a catalyst to coat all Non-Trans-Nixonian elements with destructive layer of Neoconnium, Chenium, or Rummium while
masquerading as a benign element.
Rummium
Member of Neoconnium Series, most massive and expensive of all Trans-Nixonian Elements ($87 billion per atom), will pre-emptively destroy all matter and energy if not properly shielded.
Condium
Ineffective compared to total abstinence from pre-emptive wars, always found tightly bound to Bushium.
Chenium
Usually found in undisclosed locations but often detected telling lies in public.
Colinium
Orbits Neoconnium, Rummium, and Condium, but does not react except under extreme pressure.
Ashcroftium
Member of the Devium Series, has room temperature superfluidic characteristics allowing it to ooze rapidly beneath existing laws, systematically destroying any rights it encounters.
Wolfium
Also known as Naïvium, a member of the Bushium Series so lacking in substance it can pass through massive barriers of Truth, Reality, and Reason, causing massive destruction, effects amplified in presence of Devium.
Ridgium
Another extreme lightweight in the Bushium Series, does nothing but change colors at random.
Rushium
Noxious gas used primarily in Neoconic dirigibles, known to implode without warning.
Novakium
Similar to Rushium, but leaks constantly through undetectable officials, always spins to the right.
Norquistium
Abhors Taxium, completely destroyed in presence of Commonsensium, produced in the extreme right of reactors fueled by Neoconnium Elements.
Economicgrowthium
Mythical element, long promised, never detected in presence of Neoconnium Elements.
Unemploymentium
Decay product of Neoconnium, with an agonizingly long half-life.
WMDium
Byproduct of fusion of Neoconnium and Saddamium, exists only for nanoseconds, breaks down into Angrium and VoterRevoltium.
Schwarzeneggerium
Expands to huge volumes, totally vacuous, almost as lightweight as Bushium,appears to be everything to everybody, but no one can recall any use for it. Although not yet identified as a member of the Neoconnium Series, it may be a decay product of Rovium.
Halliburtium
Attracts any government funding in its vicinity, invisible to public scrutiny,identifiable only by disgusting oily trail after passage through vicinity.
Enronium
Hypermassive element, absorbs all money from all sources, then disappears in a blinding flash, leaving only deadly Devium and Chenium isotopes as evidence of its existence (Bushium-2 gas rises to the top.
Newbridgium
Formed by fusing decay products of Neoconnium Elements, impervious to all elements except Trans-Nixonians.
Saddamium
Has been sighted but not isolated.
Osamium
Would like to find this element, but forget why.
Periodic Chart of Trans-Nixonian Elements
© 2003 Steven T. Birchall, DMA