RANT ADVISORY: This first in a one-part diatribe series is meant only to exercise my
first amendment rights (e.g. "swear"), commiserate with the
like-minded, open a cathartic and self-indulgent
safety-valve , and otherwise mock the
ignorant. Any similarity to even-handed
dialogue is strictly coincidental. Said rant is liable to meander and end without much warning (other than this one).
EDUCATIONAL CONTENT ADVISORY: The reader is unlikely to learn anything of value without following links. Chances are slim that following the links will lead to anything substantive either. It might be best to venture elsewhere if the reader is into the whole "pursuit of knowledge" thingie. Seriously, the author is just perturbed, that's all this is about.
PARENTAL ADVISORY: Pop rocks mixed with a refreshing cola beverage really WILL punch holes in your kid's esophagus! No shit!
ABSTRACT: Biblical Literalists
suck. They demonstrate profound
stupidity, are easily motivated to
violent acts of all kinds and suffer from an intense
contempt for facts or scientifically valid inquiries. They tend to run in
bleating herds. They offer no intrinsic social or intentional entertainment value. They make the author
throw up in his mouth a little. The author encourages Biblical Literalists to
self-castrate. Scientists work frantically to discover a
cure for fundamentalist imbecility (preferably a topical ointment), while the afflicted work frantically to
eradicate science.
THESIS: Biblical Literalists suck.
INTRODUCTION: Sue me if I suffer from a lack of forbearance, but my well of patience is utterly drained. It is being replenished with a foul contempt for the arcane Christian belief system that contradicts reason, natural law, common sense and civility. If not for Xanax (thanks Laura!) and "everyman" movies , I'd have scoped out a rooftop and a rifle long ago.
INTERMISSION: While my pill was dissolving, my boss had the audacity to ask me to get something accomplished today. Another champion of the first amendment. Geesh.
UNSOLICITED OPINION: I'd rather endure the leg-humping of a tick-infested Pomeranian while I belt out Celine Dion standards in a rural Alabama Karaoke bar, than "debate" ANYTHING with a fundamentalist Christian. By rights, Fundagelicals should draw no more esteem or response than would the pasty-skinned guy a couple cubes over who claims that Mr. Squirrel divulges hot investment tips in exchange for unsalted cashews, or his chum who frequently asks us to discard our "broad brush" and reflect on all the GOOD stuff Hitler did (Hereinafter referred to as "Chuck" and "Stan," respectively).
WHINY TRANSITIONAL OBSERVATION: But, unlike these lonely cube-weasels, the Dobson Mob swarms aboard the Dominionist Taliban-wagon, propagating like maggots upon the steaming carcass of civil discourse, while their political masters play them like the ignorant bitches they are, and the media turns a profit-centric eye towards flashy and inconsequential matters. All the while, the cretins continue BREEDING. It's truly horrifying.
SLIGHTLY OUT OF CONTEXT, YET QUOTED SOURCE:
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." Galileo Galilei (who really put an enlightened "smack down" on Biblical Literalists. They killed him)
ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE: The reigning eschatology of these Mouth-Breathers, the Rapture, is as moronic and archaic as it is central to their insane political agenda. One need only consider the success of Jerry Jenkins' and Tim LaHaye's Left Behind series to see how "cool" the End Times will be. Given the millions of copies sold, coupled with the millions who can't read...well, it's truly staggering how many people buy into this shit.
"Tens of thousands of foot soldiers dropped their weapons, grabbed their heads or their chests, fell to their knees, and writhed as they were invisibly sliced asunder...Their innards and entrails gushed to the desert floor, and as those around them turned to run, they too were slain, their blood pooling and rising in the unforgiving brightness of God" Jenkins & LaHaye (really wealthy, sadistic whackjobs who suck)
Jesus H. Christ, truly disgusting and forbidding! And here I was thinking that once the Rapture happened, we infidels could just off with all the Chinese sweatshop-wear they bought at Walmart!
RHETORICAL QUESTIONS REGARDING THE ABOVE PASSAGE:
* They grabbed their "heads or their chests." Did they grab anything else? I, for one, while being "invisibly sliced asunder" would be grabbing my sack. But that's just me.
* Need one distinguish between "innards" and "entrails"? Would my duodenum be considered an "innard," while my small intestines would be more accurately characterized as "entrails"?
* How does blood, once pooled, "rise"? Does it float into the sky in viscous red globules? Desert floors don't offer many more options than that. In fact, they tend to absorb liquid.
* How is God's "unforgiving brightness" different from the forgiving sort? Would sunscreen be in order?
SICK BIBLICAL REFERENCES HAVING NOTHING REALLY TO DO WITH THE RAPTURE:
""But Rabshakeh said, Hath my master sent me to thy master and to thee to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" Isaiah 36:12
"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man...Then said I, Ah, Lord God, behold, my soul hath not been polluted: for from my youth even till now have I not eaten of that which dieth of itself...Then he said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith." Ezekiel 4:12-15
"And [Judah] turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?...And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:16, 40
"Thou hast also taken thy fair jewels of my gold and of my silver, which I had given thee, and madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." Ezekiel 16:17
"If a man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, and give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid, then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate; and the damsel's father shall say unto the elders . . . these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city." Deuteronomy 22:13-17
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." Deuteronomy 25:11-12
CONCLUSION AND EXCUSES: The author neither likes nor wishes to understand fundamentalists. At least not today. The author would find little reason to complain if Dominionists posed less of a threat to secular democracy. The author is hopeful that soon, Republicans, having a veritable tiger by the tail, will have their innards and entrails invisibly sliced asunder by those that they have repeatedly used. However, until that tiger is defanged, slinking back into the dark recesses of inconsequentiality from wence it came, it will continue to pose a threat to our way of life.
Now seriously, I really have to get some work done. My inbox is filling up.
LAST WORD:
"I know how you feel. I just don't care." Happy Bunny.
fin