From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
2010, Part II: 2010 Harder
The second quarter of the year marked a noticeable expansion of our vocabulary. We learned all kinds of new terms: blowout preventer, containment dome, drilling mud, top kill, top hat, relief well, booming, Corexit, Lower Marine Riser Package, flange transition spool. Sadly, all of these failed to extract Congressman Joe Barton's head from Tony Hayward's ass.
Oh, and vuvuzela. And Eyjafjallajokull. (Gesundheit.)
Meanwhile, Senator Carl Levin made "shitty deal" the evil rhetorical stepsister of Joe Biden's "Big fuckin' deal." Republicans in Congress spent the second quarter being perfect---as in, perfectly worthless. And Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour asserted that being called out for failing to mention slavery during Confederate History Month "doesn’t matter for diddly."
Gosh, there's so much more...from Nevada's chicken lady to the thousand-point drop in the Dow on the National Day of Prayer (heckuva job, fundies), the hits just kept on comin'. Below the fold is part two of our four-part series, 2010: The Slightly Less Sucky Times Are Back, Baby!
Cheers and Jeers retrosnarks... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [GONG!!]
By the Numbers: C&J poll results from April-June, 2010
Percent of Kossacks who experienced spring allergies: 69%
Percent of you who believe the August withdrawal of 45,000 combat troops from Iraq would have a positive effect on Democrats in the November midterms: 57% (36 percent said it wouldn’t have an impact one way or the other.)
Percent who supported a boycott of Arizona over the passage of SB 1070: 85%
Percent who believed Don't Ask, Don't Tell would be lifted this year: 46%
Percent were "very" or "moderately" happy with Obama's pick of Elena Kagan: 56% (19 percent were unhappy.)
Percent of Kossacks on Facebook: 37% (1 percent is on Twitter.)
Percent who favor abolishing the practice that allows an individual senator to anonymously hold up a bill or a nomination: 92%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy retirement, Crazy Jack!
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Cheers and Jeers 2010 Flashback: April
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While trying to duplicate the universe's 'big bang,' scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland finally get two subatomic particles to achieve super-high speed and then have a dramatic collision. When asked why this test succeed where others had failed, they reply that the particles were strapped inside a Toyota.
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President Obama does some stumpin' in Portland, Maine. The crowd's reaction to health insurance reform---the main purpose of his visit---is positive, but the crowd's reaction to student-loan reform is downright thunderous. The president's motorcade includes his limo, an ambulance, secret service cars, support staff vehicles, and an ice cream truck playing Hail to the Chief.
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The new toy on the block, the iPad, is released. As usual, no one knows what the hell to do with Apple's latest product. Also as usual, it takes them about 30 seconds to wonder what they ever did without it.
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The Space Shuttle Discovery heads to the Space Station to make much needed repairs. Unfortunately they forget to bring the L-wrench and spend the next eight days basically just drinking.
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An allegedly dangerous terrorist suspect is brought back to the United States to face trial. He has white skin, blond hair, an Hispanic last name, hails from Colorado, and he is a she and she's pregnant. Thank god for racial profiling or we might never have nabbed her.
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President Obama travels to Prague to sign a nuclear arms treaty with Russia. Their ultimate goal: a nuke-free world. Their second goal: to see Tinkerbell wed a unicorn in Munchkinland.
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Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens retires at age 90 so he can spend more time---not kidding---playing tennis. But he won't be climbing Everest as the Sherpas can't keep up with him.
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President Obama meets the Chinese president at the White House. Afterward this exchange is heard in a west wing hallway: "Who let the dog out?" "Hu." "Who?" "Hu! Hu!"
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The Consumer Sentiment Index for April is released. A glimmer of hope emerges as Americans move from "#!$&!!!" to "#!$&!!"
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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour claims that there's no need to mention slavery during "Confederate History Month," saying that critics are "trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn’t matter for diddly." Wow---could he say anything stupider this year? Stay tuned...he might!
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The last sardine processing plant in both Maine and America---Stinson Seafood in Gouldsboro---closes its doors. Not everyone is unhappy with the news. Namely, sardines.
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Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull glacier lifts a cheek and lets out a juicy one. The eruption causes air traffic delays, respiratory warnings and a worldwide epidemic of people not having the foggiest notion how to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signs the "Papers, please" immigration bill into law that even Republican Mike Huckabee thinks is off-the-scale-nutty. In her defense, Brewer says, "Sure it's draconian. But it's a dry draconian."
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Following a BP oil rig explosion that kills 11, an epic oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico spews an estimated 42,000 210,000 gallons a day. Officials estimate the spreading slick is the size of Rhode Island. No, wait---Maryland. No, wait---New Jersey! No, wait---South Carolina. On the bright side, it'll be days before they start comparing it to the size of countries.
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May
The Gulf of Mexico oil spill is downgraded to "catastrophic."
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Mahmud Ahmadinejad addresses the United Nations Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty review conference in New York. And, just like that, all our nuclear proliferation problems are solved!
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Police horse "Migs" singlehoofedly defuses a car bomb in Times Square with nothing more than a penlight and a Swiss Army knife. Authorities catch the alleged evildoer at the airport, where he was trying to flee like a lily-livered, yeller-bellied coward. The giveaway: he had a copy of Fleeing the Country After a Botched Bombing for Dummies in his carry-on.
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In Boston, a pipe rupture causes residents to run frantically towards the water. In Tennessee, flooding causes residents to run frantically away from the water. America: God's little pinball machine.
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The oil spill is downgraded to "apocalyptic."
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Family Research Council founder and ex-gay-therapy "expert" Dr. George Rekers gets caught with a male prostitute he hired at "Rentboy.com." His excuse: he has a bad back and "requires assistance lifting luggage." In related news, "Requires assistance lifting luggage" becomes America's new #1 euphemism for hiring a hooker.
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New jobless claims are announced. Mostly from the ledges of tall buildings.
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Congress participates in the annual National Day of Prayer on Capitol Hill. It's the one day a year when our leaders get down on their knees for something other than giving corporate CEOs blowjobs. Meanwhile, as conservative Christians across the country gather to ask God to give them a sign, the Dow plunges a thousand points in 30 minutes and recovers 30 minutes later. Always a comedian, That One.
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The oil spill is downgraded to "cataclysmic."
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Obama's pick for the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan, is an enigma wrapped in a riddle clad in a sensible lime-green sport coat. The thought of having three women on the bench? Exciting! Six Catholics and three Jews? Boring.
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The Senate votes, 96-0 to audit the Federal Reserve. And, while they're at it, the Federal Reserve office supply closet.
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America witnesses the last launch of the Shuttle Atlantis before its retirement. In honor of the historic event, NASA waives the crew's baggage-handling fee.
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The oil spill is downgraded to "An intimate evening with Ann Coulter." Tarballs start washing up in people's Cheerios.
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Lee DeWyze is chosen as the 9th American Idol winner over Crystal Bowersox. Simon Cowell leaves the show with a farewell sneer.
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June
BP downgrades the oil gusher to "sticky wicket."
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Israel drops a squad of hardened, battle-ready commandoes onto the deck of a relief ship in international waters and kill upwards of a dozen or more unarmed civilians. The incident becomes the latest entry on the web site Whatthehellwereyouthinkingipedia.
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BP CEO Tony Hayward complains that if Bush was still president he'd have a Medal of Freedom by now.
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Sanctity-of-marriage crusader Rush Limbaugh ("If you want a successful marriage, let your husband do what he wants to do") gets married for the fourth time---to a woman 26 years younger. She agrees to sign a pre-nup, but only if he agrees to let her keep her blindfold on.
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President Obama calmly says BP isn’t doing enough in the Gulf and gets savaged by editorial boards for being too nice. Obama then loads an 18-wheeler with tarballs from Florida beaches, dumps them in front of BP's U.S. headquarters in Houston, and gets savaged by editorial boards for being too angry. Then he expresses regret for what he did with the truckload of tarballs, and gets savaged by editorial boards for being too nice. Then he lifts a Buick, throws it at BP CEO Tony Hayward, and is savaged by editorial boards for being too angry.
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Fourteen year-old Ohioan Anamika Veeramani wins the National Spelling Bee. The winning word is stromuhr, whose definition I shall demonstrate by using it in a sentence: "Are you a guitar strohmuhr or a banjo strohmuhr?"
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In Nevada, the Republican "Chickens for Checkups" lady gets her feathers plucked in the senate primary by a crazy teabagger named Sharron Angle. Democrat Harry Reid sends a bouquet of flowers with a "Thank You" card to the head of the Nevada Republican party.
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The oil spill is downgraded to a photo of Munch's "The Scream."
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Kos drops Research 2000 as our Great Orange Pollster because they were allegedly fabricating numbers out of thin air. Nate Silver breaks it down here. Readers find his analysis 45 percent fascinating, 35 percent confusing, and 20 percent tingly.
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Some American dude gets caught in Pakistan trying to go after Osama bin laden armed with a 40-inch sword. Authorities point out that he could've saved a bundle on airfare if he'd used a 10-thousand-mile sword.
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Artist Thomas Kinkade, whose placid landscapes and collectible figurines have stolen the hearts, if not the discretionary income of, millions of placid collectibles seekers around the globe, is busted for drunk driving. By the time he was released, his jail cell is hand-painted, hand-numbered and comes with a certificate of authenticity.
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Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) publicly apologizes for the way the White House inconvenienced BP by getting it to voluntarily put $20 billion of relief money into escrow. While he's at it he apologizes to Union Carbide, Bernie Madoff, Bear Stearns, Enron, and the iceberg that sank the Titanic.
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Commander-in-Chief Obama fires General Stanley McChrystal and replaces him with the general who slips over our military-industrial psyche like a comfy argyle sweater: General David Petraeus. Here is the entire transcript of the Senate Armed Services Committee confirmation hearings:
Petraeus: [Blows nose into handkerchief]
Chairman: Well, I've heard enough. All those in favor say 'Aye.'
Committee in Unison: AYE!!!
Tough bunch.
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The new iPhone 4 hits stores. People snatch it up left and right, mainly so they'll have something they can use to call Apple and pre-order the iPhone 5.
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A "corpse flower" blooms at UNC-Charlotte. It reportedly smells like rotting elephants. Oh, the symbolism.
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Day 1 of Elena Kagan's Senate confirmation hearings are briefly suspended when venom from Jeff Sessions' fangs burns a hole through his notes. And his desk. And his shoe. And the committee room floor. And the basement floor. And the earth's crust.
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The Commerce Department releases numbers on personal income and consumer spending. Conclusion: consumers are spending more time worrying about their personal income.
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The National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility meeting is cancelled when the participants can't stop laughing at the name of their commission.
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Tears in West Virginia as residents there contemplate the loss of Senator Robert Byrd, 92, a fixture of American politics since before most of 'em were born. His temporary replacement sets up his office inside one of Byrd's shoes.
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Dick Cheney sends himself to the hospital after suffering pangs of conscience. Using a Black and Decker cordless screwdriver, doctors remove his chest plate and blow in some charcoal dust to re-blacken his soul. In his absence, daughter Liz takes over seething duties.
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America's love affair with soccer peaks at the World Cup when, during overtime, with the score tied 1-1, Ghana scored the winning ball-in-the-net thingee. The president orders all vuvuzelas to be blown at half bzzzzzz.
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The 250,000th registered Kossack---Twee D---joins our ranks after reciting the blog's official slogan: "Once you go orange, you never go... Hey, nothing rhymes with orange!"
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Tomorrow: Bedbugs and tar balls and terror babies, oh my!
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