From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
10 Things I Learned from Watching Tea Party Nation
>> Talk of secession is patriotic.
>> So is talk of bringing back Jim Crow laws!
>> If you make a mistake while writing your cheat notes on your palm, wash your hands and start over instead of crossing out a word. That way you won’t look twice as foolish when you get caught.
>> Calling people "retards" is fine as long as two criteria are met: 1) It can only be used by a Republican as "satire." And 2) What constitutes satire can only be determined by another Republican.
>> There's only one way to solve our foreign-policy challenges: invade Iran and give it to Israel as a pre-Rapture gift.
>> The whiter your bloodline, the higher you are in the Great American Pecking Order.
>> The much-anticipated American tri-cornered hat resurgence just ain't happenin'.
>> Sarah Palin declared war on "any charismatic guy with a teleprompter," leaving her followers to scratch their heads and wonder what the heck Ronald Reagan did to piss her off.
>> The "missing" birth certificate is driving the far right paranoidiacs berserk. "It" must be kept locked in its hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar in Honolulu for the rest of history, or until they all just fall down and expire from Mad Birther Syndrome.
>> Teabaggers can harness their neural powers to trigger blizzards in Washington D.C. with their minds, which are finely calibrated to cause mayhem (and spelling errors). But they still have trouble with doorknobs.
So that's what I learned. And I'd like to thank them for being such fine teachers.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Note: No, I beg your pardon, asshole, because you did, in fact, promise me a rose garden. I have the receipt right here, that's your fucking manager's signature right there, and if I don't see the back of my pickup truck stuffed with fucking rose bushes---a garden's worth, mind you, as you PROMISED!---in three minutes, you can kiss your greenhouse and garden center goodbye because I will start a Twitter campaign and shut you down! M'kay?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 38
Days `til the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: 5
Length from sunrise to sunset on December 21: 8 Hours 56 Minutes
Length from sunrise to sunset on February 10: 10 Hours 17 Minutes
Decline in bank robberies last year: 20%
(Source: The Week)
Percent of Americans who think the government should "stay out of Medicare": 39%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Viewership of the Super Bowl, the highest since 1996: 106.5 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 168 (including 2 Satanisms and 4 gay-recruiting Golden Girls). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "The dog was just in the middle of the street, so I got a ham sandwich out that I had packed with me and I lured him into my car." Okay, that's either really heroic or really creepy.
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WOWEE WOW WOW! to busting the thermometer. Last night Keith Olbermann spoke again of the weather- and government apathy-related misery and hardship that has befallen the Indian reservations in South Dakota. He pointed viewers to a razoo web site that's seeking donations for the relief effort, with a goal of raising $25,000 (to be matched dollar-for-dollar) by February 28th. As of this morning---ready for this?---donations have exceeded $160,000. Meanwhile, keep an eye out for update diaries here at DKos. And please take a moment to wag your finger at the apparent dithering going on within federal relief agencies. Sucks to have to say "heckuva job" to a Democratic administration.
CHEERS to thumbs-up from Buzz Lightyear. Look, I'm no rocket scientist (unless you're lookin' to hire someone who can fake it and the money's right), so I look to the experts for guidance on government policies. Like, say, the new direction President Obama has for NASA and our commitment to space exploration. Buzz Aldrin has walked on the frickin' Moon, so when he says he likes the new direction, that's worth something:
The President courageously decided to redirect our nation's space policy away from the foolish and underfunded Moon race that has consumed NASA for more than six years, aiming instead at boosting the agency's budget by more than $1 billion more per year over the next five years, topping off at $100 billion for NASA between now and 2015. And he directed NASA to spend a billion per year on buying rides for American astronauts aboard new, commercially developed space vehicles---that's American space vehicles. Other NASA funds will go into developing and testing new revolutionary technologies that we can use in living and working on Mars and its moons.
If we really wanted to establish new companies and create new jobs in the space business, then Obama's idea is clearly the way to go. ... With his deeds, not only words, President Obama has revitalized our struggling space program. His has been a "Profile in Courage" when it comes to space and science. And that's why I call it his JFK moment.
I'm sold! (Unless, of course, Apollo 11 alpha male Neil Armstrong says otherwise---pecking orders must be respected.) But, uh, no money for teleporters? Disappointing.
JEERS to the return of the freakin' flakes (and we don’t mean beltway pundits). Hey, Washington, D.C., we understand you're getting another 16 inches of snow today. Jeez, that's just crazy. The blizzard keeps going and going and it never ever ever stops. And that can mean only one thing: Toyota has taken control of our weather.
CHEERS to something going right for a change. I'm starting to wonder if we shouldn’t send consultants from Triple-A to Washington to sort out the mess there. We’ve had nothing but positive experiences with them, and they seem to run a helluva tight ship. The latest episode was Monday night, when our '92 Honda got way overheated (a somewhat odd phenomenon considering the wind chill is 1 above zero), so we called for a tow to our local car infirmary. The AAA truck arrived, I kid you not, five minutes later. "Old Blue" was loaded and hauled off in ten. The driver acted like he had the best job in the world. (Or maybe he was just happy to have "a" job...but they've all been that way.) No particularly deep message here---just that good service stands out these days, and long-term good service really stands out. Are you listening, insurance companies? I know, I know...stupid question.
P.S. Dear Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you for sparing our head gasket. An extra fiver is going in the collection basket next time we go to church. Is 2030 pushing it?
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. One week ago Think Progress asked: Will Sarah Palin call on Rush Limbaugh to apologize for saying liberal activists are ‘retards’?
Nope.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to failure! When gay marriage became legal in New Hampshire last year, everyone knew it was just a matter of time before conservatives would try to reverse it. And when gay marriage became legal in Iowa (Iowa!) this year, everyone knew it was just a matter of time before conservatives would...um...try to reverse it. (They're nothing if not consistent.) Well, their first attempts have been a miserable failure, says Adam Bink at Open Left:
In New Hampshire, the House Judiciary committee voted to kill an effort to reverse the state's same-sex marriage law that the legislature passed and Gov. Lynch signed last year. It also voted down a call for a public vote on the issue.
In Iowa, where a constitutional amendment to ban marriage equality would have to be passed in two consecutive legislative sessions before being voted on by the public (several years from now), two "discharge petition"-type efforts failed this morning to pull a constitutional amendment out of committee in both houses of the legislature.
Meanwhile a poll shows that 62 percent of Iowans want the legislature to leave the issue alone and work on issues that, y'know, don’t involve shredding peoples' civil rights. Well...if you insist.
JEERS to breaking the ideologue-O-meter. Another example of how off-the-rails the Republican party has gone. Just off the top of my head, this is John McCain in a nutshell:
War with Iran and North Korea
No regrets for Iraq
Tax cuts for the rich
Privatize Social Security
Slash essential services
Picked Sarah Palin as his running mate
Against gay civil rights of any kind
No to stricter bank regulations
Misogynist
Keep Guantanamo open for business
Against making healthcare more accessible and affordable to average folks
Pals around with radical Christian fundamentalists
Card-carrying member of the "Party of No"
In any other era, he'd be considered a radical outlier. Well, next week McCain will officially face a primary challenger---former radio host J.D. Hayworth---whose views make McCain look like Malibu Barbie. It'll be interesting to watch the "maverick"---aka the "Joe Lieberman of the Southwest"---jettison every remaining scruple and moral in order to tango with the teabaggers. Much the same way that watching a child swing a baseball bat into his dad's nuts is interesting.
CHEERS to the most important day in U.S. history. On February 10, 1945, the Andrews Sisters hit the top of the charts with `Rum & Coca Cola.' And it's not our national anthem becauuuuuse...???
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Five years ago in C&J: February 10, 2005
JEERS to waste, waste, waste. Newsday reports that the $153 billion spent so far on the Iraq war could provide a year's worth of health care for 34 million people or build 17,957 new schools. Or, as the chickenhawks call it: sissy stuff. [2/10/10 Update: $153 billion...today that sounds like a kid's allowance.]
JEERS to Condiplomacy. "Hey, Europe, I know we've been telling most of you to fuck off for the last four years, but can't we be friends? Because, y'know, we need stuff from you now. Money and stuff." She's smooth. Very, very smooth.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to scoring at the movies. Monday we paid birthday tribute to the composer whose name (John Williams) is on half of our CD collection. Well, the guy whose name is on the other half---sadly no longer with us, thank you very much, effing cancer---would be 81 today. I fell in love with movie scores when I was 16, in large part because of Jerry Goldsmith's adrenaline-fueled themes for films like Patton, Star Trek, Planet of the Apes, Poltergeist, The Sand Pebbles, The Omen (for which he won his Oscar)...there are too many to mention. He was a generous (and liberal) genius---a true artist and craftsman working in a very constrictive and underappreciated field of music with insanely tight deadlines. Since two-thirds of my life has been spent with his music in the background, I couldn’t let the day pass without saying "Many blessings on your camels, Jerry, wherever you are." And with the Super Bowl still fresh in our minds, here's Jerry at his absolute best---the tryouts scene from Rudy. Damn, he was good.
Go get 'em, tiger. And remember the secret of success: just be yourself. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Like I tell my friends, if you like Iraq and Afghanistan, you’ll love Cheers and Jeers."
---Retired General Anthony Zinni
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