From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark and Corned Beef Hash. Yum!
"The president won’t be at the Super Bowl. In a show of some sort of spirit of cooperation, he's invited a group of Republicans to watch the game with him at the White House on Sunday. That should be a lot of fun. He's gonna need a two-thirds vote before they pass the Doritos."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"People are upset that Obama hasn’t solved all the problems yet. C'mon, he's only been in office one year. You really think he's gonna solve all our problems in one year? The man went to Harvard, not Hogwarts."
---Wanda Sykes
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"Everyone’s talking about the military’s 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it’s wrong to force people 'to lie about who they are' in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like, 'Who cares? We do that every election.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Virginia state senator Creigh Deeds has introduced a bill to promote the purchase of lifetime hunting licenses for children younger than two years old. ... My only quibble is that this law doesn’t go far enough. Are we supposed to deny guns to our babies in utero? I believe an American's Second Amendment right begins in the first trimester. You can have my embryo's gun when you pry it from its tiny developing arm buds!"
---Stephen Colbert
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"[We're] learning more and more about the new Massachusetts senator, Scott Brown. Back in 1982, he posed naked for Cosmo. Isn't that amazing? He's got it backwards. First you get elected to the Senate, then you get caught with your pants down."
--–Jay Leno
This deserves its own callout:
"On Friday Obama appeared before House Republicans in a historic televised Q and A, and performed so well that afterwards GOP aides said that allowing the cameras to roll like that was a mistake. Come on, Republicans...are you on such a Scott Brown high that you thought you could take down Barack Obama by debating him? You realize debates are why he's president, right? Seriously, all you guys do is complain about how Obama is all talk, and then you invite him to a forum that's literally all talk. That's like saying, 'Let's see how tough Aquaman is when we get him in the water.'"
---Seth Meyers
And if I may say, sir or madam: that is one whopper of a storm. You may commence blaming the gays, feminists and pagans in 3... 2... 1...
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 5, 2010
Note: The C&J Players---decked out in blue unitards---are proud to improvise a scene from "Avatar" for your enjoyment:
"I see you."
"No shit, dummy. I'm standing right in front of you."
Aaaaaaand...Scene! Thank you. Thank you.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Presidents Day: 10
Days `til the Newport Winter Festival: 7
Number of obituaries that The New York Times has pre-written: 1,300
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of movie versions of Catcher in the Rye that have been filmed: 0
Rank of Fresno, Reno & Billings among "Moshtesht Drunkesht Shities" in the U.S.: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Boston, Yonkers & Rochester among "Least Drunk Cities" in the U.S.: #1, #2, #3
(Source: USA Today)
Expected snowfall in Washington D.C. this weekend: 600!!! (millimeters)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,887
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Why dogs make lousy bloggers
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CHEERS to irrational exuberance!!!!!!!!! [glug glug glug glug] It's Miller Time, baby! The unemployment rate plunged---PLUNGED, I TELL YOU!---to 9.7 percent in January, thanks to President Obama's extraordinary leadership and Tim Geithner's extraordinary morning, midday and afternoon naps at his desk. By my math 9.7 is less than 10 and that means everything is back to normal again! The 20-thousand who lost their jobs in January would've joined the victory kegger but they apparently started drinking early and passed out. That's the spirit!
JEERS to the wrong butt in the wrong seat. Scott Brown---who apparently won election to the U.S. Senate by dangling a shiny object (his truck) in front of voters and hypnotizing them, was sworn in yesterday. After demonstrating a hypocritical propensity for wretched excess by taking the oath on two Bibles, he immediately pledged to be a bipartisan player in the U.S. Senate, and then proceeded to answer the first 50 questions from reporters with the word, "No." I think it's telling that the media attention is more intense whenever Republicans score any kind of victory, no matter how small. ("Orrin Hatch touts stronger urine flow after changing prostate medication!") Anybody remember the coverage Al Franken got when he became our 60th vote after a Herculean, months-long recount---i.e. the Fox News documentary on his life and times, the "exclusive" Today Show, Jay Leno Show, Good Morning America, and Barbara Walters interviews? Me neither. But, anyway, the bottom line today is that Republicans can no longer hide because their new 41-seat "fauxjority" now means they'll have to deliver on all of their promises or face a drubbing in November. Tick tock, McConnell, Tick tock... That Social Security privatization ain't gonna pass itself!
P.S. But more importantly, I just coined a new term: "fauxjority." I hereby release it to the public domain. For it is my nature to be generous to the masses.
CHEERS to the governor who took on the general. Happy 110th birthday to Adlai Stevenson. He lost to Dwight Eisenhower in both 1952 and 1956. Then again, I think anyone would have. But he sure understood Republicans:
"A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. "
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"I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them."
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"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
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"The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live, and fear breeds repression."
Pay your respects here. And speaking of birthdays, tomorrow is Ronald Reagan's 99th. He made some classic movies, including Kings Row, Knute Rockne: All American, Bedtime for Bonzo, The Killers (the 1964 version), and Santa Fe Trail. Other than that I have no recollection of him.
CHEERS to Super Bowl Fevuh. After analyzing all possible scenarios using sophisticated simulation technology, I'm prepared to make my prediction: the NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!!! and the INDIANAPOLIS COLTS!!! will constantly interrupt our beloved commercial breaks by obsessing over football. Despite this annoyance, the Doritos commercials will pull a major upset by scoring higher on USA Today's Ad Meter than the Budweiser commercials. Meanwhile, halftime entertainer The Who has been warned that if any of them bares a nipple, they'll be forced to share a jail cell with James O'Keefe for up to ten years. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's sewage systems, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation.
CHEERS to movin' and groovin'. I finally got a chance to listen to some of the songs that won Grammy Awards last weekend. And, thanks to the one bestowed on Jay-Z, the world finally has its first award-winning song with the words, "Stop your bloodclot crying, the kid, the dog everybody dying, no lying, You boys jeans too tight, you colors too bright, your voice too light I might wear black for a year straight, I might bring back Versace shades, This ain’t for z100, Ye told me to kill y’all to keep it 1 hundred, This is for hot 97, for Khalid we the best’n, Yeah this is just violent, death of autotune, moment of silence." Heads up, traditional weddings songs---I think your competition just moved in next door.
CHEERS to state's rights. On Sunday's date in 1795 the eleventh amendment was ratified. I'll now don my powdered wig and read it from this colonial stoop: "The judicial power of the United States shall not be construed to extend to any suit in law or equity, commenced or prosecuted against one of the United States by citizens of another State, or by citizens or subjects of any foreign state." Nice try, Lichtenstein, but you need to get up a little earlier to slip one past us. [P'too!]
CHEERS to Massachusetts. The commonwealth that bred both the liberal Kennedy clan and the conservative Adams family officially became the sixth member of the union on tomorrow's date in 1788. And I'd like to remind the right-wing knuckledraggers who bash the state for being a den of anything-goes liberalism that a) the Salem witch trials were conducted by ultra-conservatives, b) Scott Brown-Mitt Romney, c) The original tea party happened there, and d) every day Bay Staters effortlessly drive like they're all late to the Rapture. We rest our case.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Maine is going to completely miss STORMZILLA, and we're pissed! So we're going to sulk protest by watching the boob tube all weekend, dammit. New DVDs include Amelia, Love Happens and the tea party documentary Zombieland. The Super Bowl will play second fiddle to Puppy Bowl VI. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Deputy National Security Advisor John Brennan tells everyone to STAY CALM!!!! And a couple relics of the Clinton era explain why the midterms will be better, the same, and worse for Democrats than 1994.
This Week: Jake Tapper talks with Tim Geithner about Zzzzzzzz..... Then the world-class roundtable (Two turtles, a mouse and a bunch of worms on loan from Iran) discuss why 1994 wasn't at all like 1994 for Democrats except for a few days in April.
Face the Nation: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and CBS Sports commentators Shannon Sharpe, Phil Simms and Jim Nantz will discuss the 1994 Super Bowl, in which the Cowboys defeated the Democrats 149-7, and how it will and won't but might be the same or different in 2010.
The McLaughlin Group: Pat Buchanan has to be told repeatedly that no, it’s not 1994, and would he please quit shouting for Bill Clinton's impeachment. Plus: Eleanor Clift demonstrates why she's the undisputed nunchuck champion of the world.
Bill Moyers Journal: The legal response to the Supreme Court's recent decision to destroy democracy; Lawrence Lessig; A new health care proposal for Obama to consider. (Free gingko biloba for every man, woman and child...or something like that.) Plus: absolutely no speculation on 2010 vs. 1994. Bless you, Billy.
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: No clue who's on, but they'll be partying like it's 1994!
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: February 5, 2005
CHEERS to leaving a little piece of yourself behind. In yesterday's C&J poll, 65% of you admitted you've picked `n flicked a booger at work. Your legacy lives on in the halls of corporate America.
JEERS to business as usual. The Department of Homeland Security is mired in bureaucracy and nothing's getting done there. Which makes us a little worried that the terror alert level is "only" at Yellow.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a pleasant gathering of cotton/polyester blends. The temperature in Nashville is colder than usual, but the attendees of the first Tea Party Nation convention will be hotter under the collar than usual as they huddle to plan their Big Political Comeback using their favorite weapons: fear, paranoia, obliviousness, fact-free Fox News-generated talking points, a conservative Christian superiority complex, and anger, anger, anger. I've been to the Gay Lord Opryland Hotel. It's an impressive place, featuring a sprawling nine-acre indoor greenhouse/garden with canals and dancing fountains and waterfalls and topiaries and it's gorgeous. I'm sure they'll have fun...and at 549 bucks a pop they damn well better. (For that kind of money I'd expect one of David Vitter's hookers in my swag bag.) So, how's it going? Eh...fair to middlin':
The convention's first day lacked the orchestrated staging of most modern political events. The convention host delivered a meandering welcome speech without notes, saying he misplaced them. Former congressman Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) offered a fiery defense of Judeo-Christian faith and traditional American values, but there was no prayer or Pledge of Allegiance to open the convention -- nor was there an American flag in the convention hall. (Skoda blamed the oversight on the hotel staff.)
Yeah, blame the staff...how classy. Say, if you're desperately in need of putting something--anything!---on your social calendar for tomorrow, you can still go hear Sarah Palin deliver her homespun Palinisms for just $349. (sic!!!!) Meanwhile I noticed that their official slogan is, "Quench Your Thirst for Freedom!" And they mean it. Kool-Aid dispensers will be conveniently located throughout the building. Pinkies up, kids!
Have a weekend that contains a certain amount of superduperness to it. If you're in the path of that storm, don't be a fool, man---hunker down and make sweet luvins on the bearskin rug by the fire. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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