I never in my life thought I would say that about anyone, least of all my Mom; however, here I sit in the waiting room on the eight floor of the hospital, wishing for death to come and take my Mom.
More below the fold:
My Mom is 83 years old...I am 42, the youngest of three children. My Dad passed away 11 years ago this coming July. His death while sudden, unexpected, quick...and was much easier to take, at least it seems that way looking back on it today.
My Mom suffers from dementia and congestive heart failure among other ailments...she is in constant pain and is very confused. At times she mistakes my ten-year-old son for me. At other times she can remember incidents that happened years ago that were insignificant to everyone but her. She is not aware that it is winter and has asked me if the flowers I brought her were from my garden, even though she can clearly see the foot of snow still on the ground.
If she were one of my dogs, I would have put her down long ago as she has been suffering for so long. She has no quality of life at this point and has not for quite some time. I told my Mom that I am going back to school to attain a Master’s in writing and that my academic advisor wants me to be a graduate assistant and then go on to attain a Ph.D. in writing. She cannot comprehend that at 42 I am back in school. Her mind is going and she can no longer appreciate the accomplishments of her children.
She has lead a good, but hard life. She grew up dirt poor during The Great Depression, my Grandparents home was nothing more than a shack...they did not even have indoor plumbing until I was five or six, however, the raised ten children (if I counted aunts and uncles right) in that shack. During WWII my mom moved from Bridgeport, WI (a flyspeck on the map) to Madison to live with her older sister and to become a "Rosie the Riveter" at Ray-O-Vac making batteries for the war effort.
After the war, she met my Dad, a returning Navy Veteran. They married and had two kids in the fifties...then came 1967...and did I ever surprise everyone...after I was born my Mom suffered deep bouts of depression. I always felt responsible for her depression; even though I know it was not my fault. In the early ‘70’s she underwent electro-shock therapy. While it saved her from the depths of depression and gave me my Mom back, it appears that it may have resulted in her Dementia. At least that is what I have been told by some healthcare professionals. I do not know if it is true and do not have the wherewithal to do the research on it. It does appear that it is possible that the procedure that gave my Mom back to me when I was a child is what is taking her away from me as an adult.
I am thankful that my family does not have to worry about trying to pay for my Mom’s care. Thanks to a combination of Medicare, Medicaid and my late Father’s Teamsters insurance, she is well cared for, as I watch my Mom suffer, I also realize that we can never have a meaningful healthcare debate in this country. We may at some point get healthcare reform passed, and someday we may even have a public option; however, until we discuss end of life care, quality of life and euthanasia the debate will ring hollow to me.
As I write this, there is a group of protestors down the road, protesting a yet to be opened abortion clinic. One of the signs that I saw this morning said, "How can you let a young life suffer and die." I wanted to stop and ask "How can you allow an old life suffer and die." I love my Mom, and I wish there was a way we could just give her a shot that would allow her to drift off to sleep and never wake up. She has suffered long enough.
Update: Thank you for putting me on the Rec list...this is one diary I wish I never had to write.
Update 2: To all who have commented thank you. I do not know if I will be able to comment anymore at this point. Family is on the way to the hospital...just spoke with the Doctor...not sure how much longer I can hold it togther.
Update 3: We have decided to go to what the hospital calls comfort care only...just keep her comfortable and say our goodbyes.
Update 4: 8:43 PM CST - It is oddly comforting...watching her slip away. Her breathing growing shallower...all of the grandkids and great grandkids have left, it is just me, my brother and sister now. We have given her permission to go...it is only a matter of time now.
I forgot to mention, thank you to all of you who have commented and to the staff here at the hospital...
Update 5 - 8:45 AM CST - Mom left us peacefully.