From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
"If they mean to have an old-lady diploma war, let it begin here!"
As regurgitated reported here earlier this week in C&J, Perth Amboy, New Jersey resident Ruth Hayes Greene finally earned her high school diploma at age 98. It was a touching moment and a victory for the American spirit of stick-to-it-iveness. From cradle to grave, we rule the intellectual universe, baby. These neurotransmitters don’t run! Whooooo!!!
So imagine my displeasure when I learned that, shortly after Ms. Greene accomplished her extraordinary feat of climbing Scholarship Mountain without so much as a portable oxygen tank, Ma Xiuxian of China attended her first day of Grade One class at age 102. As she left the classroom after the recess bell rang, she fired what can only be considered a warning shot over our bow:
"Thank you teacher! Thank you my classmates! I'll study hard and make my contribution to the country."
Oh, I bet you will. Clearly what we have here, folks, is a deliberate escalation in the really-old-lady-brains race. Ms. Xiuxian (remember that name---it'll earn you a cool 25 points in Scrabble now that proper names are okey dokey) is clearly being used by the Chinese leadership to kick up a cloud of chalk dust and blow it in our face. Because, by my calculations, when "Grand Ma" completes high school, she'll blow past Ms. Hayes by graduating at 116. Can you accept that? I can't. I won't!
So I call on all American non-graduates who are 100 or older---preferably much older---to go to school and get your diploma. Let's show the Chinese who the real---and by real I mean real old---brainiacs are in the world. You can do it. I said: YOU...CAN...DO...IT!!!
(Although I will admit that if 130 year-old Georgian Antisa Khvichava comes anywhere near a sheepskin, I think we'll have no choice but to raise the white flag of surrender.)
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 15, 2010
Note: Just in case you won’t be here to read it in tomorrow's late edition: C&J will be off next Monday but will return Tuesday. Assuming, that is, I survive re-entry.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 201
Days `til the Fallbrook Avocado Festival in California: 3
Number of executions worldwide in 2009, excluding China: 714
Number of executions in China: "Thousands"
(Source: Amnesty International via Time)
Percent of Catholics who say the Pope is doing a lousy job handling the abuse scandal: 55%
(Source: CBS News via The Week)
Percent of Fox News viewers who say the network is mostly liberal: 17%
(Source: Harper’s Index)
"First removal of a five foot colon through a one inch incision: June 17, 2009"
(The above is the sum total of the body copy [no pun intended] that appeared on a front-page ad in USA Today last Friday for the Cleveland Clinic. So come on down to the CC for all your colon extraction needs! During April, buy 1 get 1 free! We must be craaaaaazy!!!)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
It may be true, as Tom Lehrer believes, that satire died the day they gave Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. But then, as Gore Vidal recently observed in another context, one must never underestimate the Scandinavian sense of humor. You have to ignore a lot of stuff in order to laugh about Reagan...but years of practice with the Texas lege is just what a body needs to get in shape for the concept of Edwin Meese as attorney general. Beer also helps.
---March, 1986
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Puppy Pic of the Day (hat tip to noweasels): Memo to the Grim Reaper: Sorry...not today.
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CHEERS to trouble in Splitsville. Ruh roh. New York Goobernatorial candidate Carl Paladino---he of the racist emails and an "alleged" fondness for wild horsey sex---is causing a rift among his teabagger base:
• The national "Tea Party Express" disowned the Paladino candidacy, as Mark Williams, the group's chairman, said in Albany: "You've seen the e-mails, ... so what makes you think we would support him?"
• Buffalo-area tea party organizers stood by the man they talked into running for governor, with Rus Thompson, a key leader of the group, saying: "I've known Carl for too long a time to even begin to fathom that he's a racist."
So who's right? The group that finds Paladino's emails more offensive than the witch doctor and "Obama = Hitler" signs they bring to their rallies...or the group that thinks they're no big deal because, take our word for it, Paladino's just a merry prankster? With friends like these...
JEERS to Moon over "My God, they'll kill us all!!!" Did you see the right-wing's latest attempt to criticize the Obama administration for embedding a Muslim symbol in an official logo? This time they're flippin' out over the design for the Nuclear Security Summit. Well, they must really hate the American Cancer Society, then, because I saw one of their ads for the Relay For Life last night and it looks like it was designed by Osama bin laden himself. The forces of tyranny...right in our backyard. Stay strong---the militias will save us.
P.S. Of course, if there were crucifixes in those logos, you'd hear nary a peep from the complainers. Freedom of religion, indeed...as long as your religion's on the approved list.
CHEERS to the other new kid on the block. In yesterday's irrational exuberance over Ted Deutch's special-election victory in Florida's 19th congressional district (it's about as safe a Democratic district as you can get, but I admit it was fun rubbing it in the GOP's face), we failed to congratulate new Gainesville Mayor Craig Lowe. He ran on a platform of fiscal responsibility, safe neighborhoods and transparency. The opposition ran on a similar platform: No Homo Mayor. Lowe's acceptance speech was brief: "Homo mayor, bitches."
JEERS to the unsinkable ship...the one over there that's in the process of sinking. Ninety eight years ago this morning, the Titanic sank after hitting (or, to be more precise, scraping) an iceberg. Today it's a perfect analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible but, because of arrogance, denial and really bad steering on the part of the people in charge, started splitting up and sinking, and is now a rusting hulk stuck in the mud and you can't do anything with it but re-arrange the deck chairs. But the movie was pretty good.
CHEERS to justice served. Let us not forget that the Catholic Church isn't the only institution owned and operated by ultra-conservatives that's getting battered with pervert accusations. There's also the Boy Scouts of America, which a jury just tied up in knots:
Jurors on Tuesday found the Boy Scouts of America negligent and awarded $1.4 million to a former Portland man who was abused by an assistant Scoutmaster in the early 1980s, following a three-week trial in which secret Scout "perversion files" were used as evidence. The jury also decided the Irving, Texas-based Scouts organization was liable for punitive damages that will be decided in a separate phase of the trial. That would be in addition to the $1.4 million.
The punitive damages, by the way, could be as high as $24 million. As an Eagle Scout, I'm not so much disgusted (although I am) as disappointed. As so often happens in these kinds of "testosterone clubs," it's more important to protect the illusion of moral superiority than it is to actually act morally (i.e. boot the offenders ASAP and get law enforcement involved) and take the occasional P.R. lumps. You never hear about these kinds of scandals in the Girl Scouts or, for that matter, among nuns. Curious, dat.
SNICKER at Not-So-Wonder-Woman. Did you see Sarah Palin's list of demands that have to be met in order for her to agree to make a public appearance? One of them requires that all questions be pre-screened. Yes, all of them---she even gets the moderator's questions in advance. Wow...I guess maybe she can relate to the unemployed, after all. She clearly has experience being canned.
CHEERS and JEERS to the golden arches. McDonalds turns 55 today. For the record, I used to covet Happy Meal prizes and would even raid my mom's purse to support my habit. Later I worked at the one in Saco, Maine during the summers of '84 and '85, cementing my legacy as New England's fastest Quarter Pounder flipper. I've lost track of what their current slogan is, but it oughtta be: "Damn, this shit tastes good!"
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Five years ago in C&J: April 15, 2005
JEERS to cud-chewing cowards. Oh, we didn't see this coming did we? The Bush administration tried to cut subsidies to massive farm operators in their 2006 budget. Now, with little more than a simple "Uh, guys?" from the heartland, the White House is backing away like a pig at the front gate of a bacon factory. Instead, they'll transfer the cuts to programs that provide food for poor people and help promote land conservation. `Cause who needs that??
CHEERS to fuming fundies. They'll be all atwitter over this little bit of history in the making: The Connecticut House has passed the nation's first civil unions bill for gays and lesbians that didn't originate with a court order. So who will they blame now that they can't pin it on `activist judges?' Let's see: Satan, America-hating liberals, SpongeBob, the water...
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And just one more...
CHEERS to getting today over with. Letterman:
Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind On April 15th
10. "If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye"
9. "I think my calculator is talking to me"
8. "If I screw up, they go to jail, not me"
7. "Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?"
6. "Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?"
5. "Get through today and then a 364-day weekend"
4. "Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job"
3. "Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands"
2. "Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?"
1. "This would be a lot easier if I was sober"
May your refunds bury you up too your neck in Franklins.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial (and BONUS puppy pic!):
"Now I want to see the same picture with Rush Limbaugh cradled in the arms of Bill in Portland Maine."
---Jonathan Turley
4/11/10
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