From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Commander Codpiece [Swoon!]
A reminder---as if we needed one---that everything modern-day Republicans touch turns to shit. 7 years (2,557 days, but who's counting) ago tomorrow, the musky smell of hero worship was in the air, thick...
"Americans love having a guy as president...a guy who has a little swagger, who's physical, who's not a complicated guy ... Women like a guy who's president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as our president. It's simple. We're not like the Brits. We don't want an indoor prime minister type, or the Danes or the Dutch or the Italians, or a Putin. Can you imagine Putin getting elected here? We want a guy as president. ...Look at this guy! ... Here's a president who's really nonverbal. He's like Eisenhower. He looks great in a military uniform."
---Chris Matthews
"Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man. He stands by his word. That was a very powerful moment."
---Laura Ingraham
"You know, he's in his flight suit, he's striding across the deck, and he's wearing his parachute harness, you know---and I've worn those because I parachute and it makes the best of his manly characteristic. He has just won every woman's vote in the United States of America. You know, all those women who say size doesn't count---they're all liars."
---G. Gordon Liddy
"It's stunning. It's amazing. I think it's huge!"
---Ann Coulter
Bob Schieffer: As far as I'm concerned, that was one of the great pictures of all time. And if you're a political consultant, you can just see campaign commercial written all over the pictures of George Bush.
Joe Klein: Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day.
----Face the Nation
Yup. Tomorrow is "Mission Accomplished Day." And everyone above is still very employed, very rich, very famous, and Very Serious.
Estimated cost to test the "Bush Doctrine": $3 trillion and incalculable loss of life and limb. And yet there are no tea party rallies scheduled to protest the enormous and wasteful cost of the war in Iraq. I guess they're just too dog-tired from fightin' to keep the government's hands off their Medicare.
Okay, bar's open and this is funny. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 30, 2010
Note: [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] Does that bother you? [Poke] [Poke] [Poke] [Poke] Does it? [Poke] Huh? [Poke] Huh? [Poke]
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Tron: Legacy: 231
Days `til the 34th annual Glennville Sweet Onion Festival in Georgia: 8
Number of states that have an official microbe: 1 (Wisconsin---the Lactococcus lactis, used to make cheddar and Monterrey Jack cheese)
Percent of New York City residents who say they've heard their neighbors having sex: 68% ("It's like a train wreck---you have to stop what you're doing and listen, even if it's awful")
(Source: The Week)
Percent of Americans who say they text, tweet, or check their Facebook pages right after sex: 36%
(Source: Harper’s Index)
Number of nuts mentioned in the Bible: 2 (Pistachios, almonds)
Length of the line an average pencil can draw: 35 miles
(Source for the above two: Some placemat with a big coffee stain on it)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,971
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via Kossack diva Vicki): Kiddo see, Kiddo do
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CHEERS to the contender. Now that Charlie Crist has picked up his hat from the Republican ring, dusted it off, and thrown it in the Independent ring, Democrat Kendrick Meek's chances of becoming Florida's next U.S. senator would seem a bit brighter today. Yesterday he stopped by Daily Kos to give us an update on his campaign, and we appreciate that he stuck around to splash for a bit in the comments. (They're to blog posts what extras are to DVDs.) We have generously and selflessly corralled them for your enjoyment:
The Republicans are going to be better-funded than we are, so we're going to be strategic about our ad buys.
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I've been introducing myself to Floridians on a personal basis through our petition drive and by traveling all over the state since January of last year. And we're just getting started.
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I'm not going to get into our campaign strategies here, but keep in mind there is more than one way to build energy.
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- Jobs has been one of the things I've focused on the most.
- [Foreclosures & underwater/troubled mortgages] is something we've been working on in Washington.
- I've consistently opposed offshore drilling.
- I voted in favor of a public option.
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Seriously, a number of recent 2-way polls showed the Speaker and myself in a statistical tie. 3-way polls also show a clear path for us to win. I don't care who jumps in the race, I'm focused on working hard for Floridians.
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Thanks for all the great comments! I appreciate your support. I'll definitely be back to talk with you again!
His official web site is here. We shall be watching your career with great interest, young Padewan.
JEERS to crude moves. As if we needed yet another reminder that anything Republicans advocate will inevitably turn to shit. (See also our above-the-fold business on the Iraq war.) Here's a quick update on the oil slick from C&J's exclusive source at the Crawfish Shack and Oyster Bar:
"It's the size of Rhode Island! No, wait---now it’s the size of Maryland! No, wait---now it’s the size of Connecticut! No, wait---now it’s the size of New Jersey! No, wait---now it’s the size of New Hampshire! No, wait---Now it’s the size of South Carolina!"
On the bright side, at least we're not comparing it to the size of countries. Yet.
CHEERS to Maine megaphones. Sometime tonight or tomorrow morning you might want to use The Google to find out if there's a protest in your area against the Arizona madness. Here in Portland the Maine People's Alliance is strategically marching in a pincer movement tomorrow at 2:30:
The Portland march will begin on either ends of the city and come together in the middle of the city for a concert, inspirational speakers and solidarity:
Route #1 - Kennedy Park to Congress Square Park on High Street.
Route #2 - Union Station Plaza to Congress Square Park on High Street.
Bring your banners, flags and enthusiasm!
And comfortable shoes. And sunscreen. And lotsuh watuh. And would it kill ya to eat a piece 'o fruit once in awhile? Have fun and don’t talk to stranguhs. Love, Y'Muthuh.
CHEERS to Numero Uno. 221 years ago today, on April 30, 1789, George "Honest Abe" Washington was inaugurated as the first President of the United States. (This scene from the HBO miniseries John Adams is a nice re-enactment.) If the Father of Our Country was in office today, Rush Limbaugh would tear him to pieces:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is a toothless man who talks conservation but rides an oat-guzzling steed! A flip-flopper who led a war but is now opposed to war! An elitist who is adored by the 'drive-by media'! A celebrity! A profligate spender who literally throws money into the Rappahannock River! This man is a phony and I hope he fails!"
Oh, shutteth uppeth, bubble breeches.
CHEERS to the Run for the Roses. The 136th Kentucky Derby is tomorrow at Churchill Downs. I never know how to pick these things. For one thing there are too many choices, and each one has its strengths and weaknesses and unique upbringing. I mean, help me out here: should I lay my money down on the Frozen Mint Julep...or the Early Times Julep? The Bacardi Mojito...or the Chambord Fleur de Lis? The Woodford Reserve Sweet Bourbon Punch...or Woodford Sweet tea? The Twin Spires...or the Oaks Lily? [Sigh] Maybe I'll just make it easy on myself this year and bet on the horsies. ("500 bucks on the old gray mare, please...")
CHEERS to the good old days. Thirteen years ago Sunday, President Clinton and congressional Republicans came to terms on a plan to balance the budget over five years. Said Newt Gingrich of the bipartisan agreement: "This is a great moment for our children and our grandchildren and our country, and we are proud to be part of that." Really! Specifically, "The accord promises to balance the federal budget by 2002, and to remain in balance or in surplus after that." Unless, of course, the tea partiers fall asleep through Clinton's successor's entire 8-year presidency. But that would never happen.
CHEERS to Kodak moments in space. Wow---the latest photo from the Hubble Telescope proves categorically: God poops. Nice to know they've got All-Bran "out there."
JEERS to the sanctity of marriage. Sixty-five years ago today, Adolf & Eva Hitler committed suicide, less than 24 hours after exchanging their wedding "Ja Ja's." He gave her an Iron Cross instead of a ring. It went quickly downhill from there.
CHEERS to home vegetation. With temps expected to hover in the 70s this weekend, we hope our magic picture box will forgive us for spending slightly less time than usual worshipping its pixeliciousness. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with John Bolton, the former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations who, to this day, despises everything the United Nations stands for (naturally he was a Bush recess appointee), plus Chris Matthews, Congressman Anthony Weiner, economist Laura Tyson and conservative columnist Ross Douthat. New DVD releases include Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep in It's Complicated, Heath Ledger's last appearance on film in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, and don’t forget that you can now enjoy the thrilling experience of watching the gargantuan-screen 3-D excitement of Avatar the way director James Cameron originally envisioned it: on a dusty TV screen in 2-D. There's the aforementioned Kentucky Derby tomorrow. NBA and NHL playoffs continue as well as baseball madness (Boston will shatter you all like year-old Necco wafers). Conan O'Brien returns to network TV---briefly---on 60 Minutes. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Hillary Clinton joins David Gregory to discuss the new set, the new set, the new set and the new set. (Have you heard? David Gregory's got a new set!!!)
This Week: Jake Tapper herds cats: George Will, Matthew Dowd, Bill Maher, Rev. Al Sharpton and Katrina vanden Heuvel. Hopefully Maher will repeat today's tweet out loud: "Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill Baby Drill' should have to report to the Gulf Coast today for cleanup duty." (Say it really fast, Bill, so they can't bleep ya!)
Face the Nation: Rep. Charlie Melancon (D-LA), Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL), Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL), and [Cuckoo! Cuckoo!] McCain primary challenger J.D. Hayworth. Also Bob Schieffer yells at clouds.
The McLaughlin Group: Earlier today Pat Buchanan apparently said on MSNBC that the oil spill in the Gulf was "Obama's Katrina." This much I know: if he repeats it on this show, Eleanor Clift will see to it that he needs the jaws-of-life to get his chair out of his hiney. (I would pay to see that.)
Bill Moyers Journal: Jim Hightower and Barry Lopez are Bill's guests for his final show. But never fear! The Journal will still be active online---sign up here. I did, and that automatically makes it cool!
Fox News Sunday: Holy frack! Not one but two Democrats...from THE WHITE HOUSE??? Wow! Janet Napolitano and Ken Salazar talk about the oil spill. And Marco Rubio talks about...Marco Rubio.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: April 30, 2005
JEERS to Ahmed Chalabi. Read it and weep...the dillweed-turned-traitor-turned-dillweed is Iraq's new Oil Minister. Well, he is qualified in one respect: he's the slipperiest huckster in the country.
JEERS to Reichscardinal Assmunch. Spain legalizes gay marriage, and right on cue the Roman Catholic nimrods pounce. Cardinal Ricard Maria Carles: "If you give obedience to the law priority over obedience to your conscience, that leads to Auschwitz". So let's review: official recognition of a bond between two committed, monogamous partners = the death of millions of Jews at the hands of the Nazis. Hey Jesus, would you please get down here already and smite these morons with some common decency...or are there some miracles that are too big even for you???
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And just one more...
CHEERS to home non-vegetation. Jane Fonda! Billy Blanks! Sanjay Gupta! The Pointer Sisters! Ludacris! Richard Simmons! With a cast like that, how can you possibly sit on your duff during the first annual World Fitness Day?
The morning of May 1st Atlanta’s Georgia Dome (the home of the Atlanta Falcons) will be transformed into a workout wonder when thousands converge on the field to celebrate the benefits of good health and bring greater attention to the importance of health and wellness throughout the life span. Fonda, celebrity trainers, and entertainers will fuel the energy of the day as exercise enthusiasts, of all fitness levels and ages, participate in a one-of-a-kind group workout.
Lord knows we need all the prodding we can get, so here's my pledge in writing: I'll be blogging tomorrow with little weights on all my fingers. And feelin' the burn, baby. Feelin' the burn.
Have a great weekend. And please join me in wishing a nostalgic farewell to---[sniff]---Confederate History Month. You made us feel so---[sniff]---uncomfortable. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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