Are you unemployed? Are you looking to work your way back to the top in these Great Recessionary days? Your road to riches may lie right beneath your feet...
Lately, a lot of folks are fretting about the state of the economy. Countless news stories have told tales of dire job cuts and diminished prosperity. And no one seems to know when the jobs will come back. But I'm here to say, "Relax." I have found a solution to the problem of gainful employment in hard times, a solution that can help just about anyone.
Now, I realize that no one has asked for my advice on this matter. I don’t have an advanced economic degree or any other highfalutin credentials. But I think it's my patriotic duty--not to mention humanitarian responsibility--to help out as many people as I can during these dark times. And this idea of mine is pure gold.
Metaphorical gold, that is. In reality, it's mostly an alloy of zinc, with a little bit of copper thrown in. Yes, I've discovered that the path to big bucks goes through pennies.
I hear you scoffing. "Pennies? You're kidding, right? Pennies are so worthless that people don't even bother to pick them up when they see them lying on the sidewalk."
Ah, but therein lies the subtle genius of my plan. For I have discovered that people who pass by pennies without picking them up are making a grave financial mistake.
Follow along as I prove this point with cold, hard--yet brilliant and shiny--math. The next time you go for a walk and see a penny lying on the ground, pick it up. That will take about 2 seconds. (I came to this figure after numerous trial efforts. I'm nothing if not scientific.) Assuming you are not the one who dropped the penny in the first place, you just earned 1 cent for two seconds worth of work. A little math reveals that 1¢/2 seconds equals a rate of 30¢/minute (60 seconds per minute, so 30 two-second intervals.) Of course, there are 60 minutes in an hour, so picking up pennies pays at a rate of $18/hour (30¢/minute times 60 minutes).
Not bad scratch, eh? Better than what most people make per hour. Certainly better than the minimum wage you would make working at Burger King.
And that's just what you get every time you meet Abe Lincoln. When you've apprenticed for a while, you can move up to nickels, which at $90/hour are substantially more lucrative. (30 nickels/minute times 60 minutes per hour; 30 x .05 x 60 = 90.) Dimes and quarters? Hell, they'll make you stinking rich--dimes: $180/hour; quarters: a whopping $450/hour! Why bother with law school?
What makes this such a potent jobs program is the fact that anyone can do it. You don't need an office or expensive equipment to perform this work, so there are no infrastructure or overhead costs. There's no need for rigorous and expensive training programs, so development costs are minimal. Indeed, no experience is necessary; it's work that can be done with equal proficiency by an MBA or a migrant farm worker. And, for you anti-government types out there, you could probably get away with not paying taxes on your take, as no W-4 will be sent to the IRS documenting your haul.
Of course, there is one minor problem with this dream job: you have to find the pennies. While one can discover the occasional coin lying around on the pavement, the fact remains that the ground is not covered with currency. Therefore, in order to keep your well from running dry, you will have to find some means of enhancing the local lode of misplaced coins.
Fear not. I have a plan for that, too. It goes like this: situate yourself in front of a busy supermarket or bank--someplace where people often walk out the door with change in their hands. Then, as folks stroll by counting their coins, knock the change out of their hands and pick it up for yourself. Bonanza!
Naturally, there is one small problem with this business plan: you will be confronted by numerous angry people who don't want to have their change knocked out of their hands. Not to worry; I have a solution for that, too. What you need is a distraction, something that will draw attention away from you as you are knocking change out of unsuspecting hands. Since people like animals, I suggest some small, preferably exotic creature, prominently placed and performing an engaging trick. A monkey doing a little dance would be ideal--after all, you don't see that out in front of the local Safeway every day.
One final word to the wise: don't give your primate friend too much of a cut. Even if you're raking in quarters at $450/hour, you don't want to shave your margin too thin. Just to be safe, plan on stiffing him entirely. But be ready to run away before the monkey figures out you’re grifting him--you want to get out of biting range quickly, in case the little sucker’s rabid.
So there you have it: an employment solution for tough economic times, one that is simple, straightforward, and available to anyone. What was so hard about that?
Naturally, I assume that I will be hearing from the government as soon as this essay is published. Given my demonstrated genius for economic development, I suppose I will be considered for a Cabinet position. I have never aspired to such high office, but I will do my patriotic duty as it is needed and grudgingly accept the challenge. I humbly await my country's call.