From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark: Now with 1/3 Fewer Nukes!
"President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president. Fox News said it was a summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia."
---Craig Ferguson
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"The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them. And for religious fundamentalists, there’s a new app that lets you burn them."
---Jimmy Kimmel
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"Earlier this week, President Obama kicked off the baseball season by throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. They said President Bush did a better job throwing out the first pitch. But on the other hand, President Obama can talk."
---Jay Leno
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"Sarah Palin was speaking at the alcohol convention in Las Vegas, Nevada. Because nothing says family values like gambling and liquor."
---David Letterman
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"I hope they can resolve the situation in Kyrgyzstan. They are our nation's top supplier of consonants."
---Stephen Colbert
And this...
"I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care [and] for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'"
---Bill Maher
More at Dan's place.
I want MY COUNTRY BACK!!! (But I'll settle for my lawnmower.) Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 9, 2010
Note: Feeling hopeful and optimistic lately? Don’t worry---Congress returns to Washington next week and things'll get back to normal.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 13
Days `til the 37th Fishermen's Festival in Boothbay Harbor: 14
Estimated cost to run the F-35 fighter jet program, the most expensive in Pentagon history: $329 billion
Time it took a new UC Berkeley-produced towel-folding robot to fold five towels: 1 hr. 40 minutes
(Source: dvice.com )
Time it takes our chocolate lab, Molly, to do the same: 3 weeks
Percent of the time that Alan Greenspan is wrong: 30%
(Source: Alan Greenspan himself, via Hardball)
Drop in beer sales last year, the first dip since 2003: 2.2%
(Source: The Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Number of loose nukes I have to remove from my basement, thanks to the new START treaty: 6
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,950
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saturday morning
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CHEERS to a Justice who does justice to justice. The mantra among us liberals during the Bush years was, "Hang on Stevens, hang on!" The dependably common-sensical Supreme Court Justice---appointed by a crazy, out-of-control Gerald Ford in 1975, according to Texas social studies textbooks---was a bulwark against the nefarious aims of the hard-right powermongers circa 2001-2009. And now that we have a slightly less apocalypse-minded POTUS at the helm, Stevens says he's retiring this summer. It'll give President Obama a golden opportunity to appoint a solid justice in the Stevens mold before President Palin takes over. But I think the real news to me about Stevens is this:
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[H]e continues to play tennis.
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Holy gavel wax! If I can even remember what tennis is when I'm 90 I'll consider it a Herculean victory. Rafael Nadal...watch yer back.
P.S. The search is underway for Stevens' replacement. Our humble suggestion: a gay African-American Buddhist.
[ROLLS EYES] at another gathering of teh losers. This weekend the party of "Ideas We Used To Love But Which We Now Hate Because Democrats Are Implementing Them" aka "The Party of No" aka "The Party of 'Hell No You Can't!!!'" are gathering in New Orleans to make fact-checkers cry and continue their odd obsession with taking control of the government so they can crush and dismantle it. (Seriously...WTF???) The conference officially opened yesterday with the opening prayer, the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and the ceremonial confiscation of Michael Steele's RNC credit card. Have fun, Goopers. And don’t forget to tip your hooker.
CHEERS and JEERS to the topple seen 'round the world. Seven years ago today the statue of Saddam Hussein was pulled down. I remember wincing when a U.S. soldier, unfamiliar with the concept of "How Things Look from the Liberatees' Perspective," tried to tie an American flag around Saddam's head, and drumming my fingers on my desk as the Iraqi citizenry took for-freakin'-ever to try and yank the statue down by hand. They finally decided to let our troops attach a rope from Saddam's finger to a tank, which pulled it down in mere seconds as the crowd made crude fart noises. (Proving that, no matter what country you're from, that gag never gets old.) They then beat it with shoes as it was dragged around the square like a cat toy. But, as usual, things weren't exactly as they seemed. The press made it look like the entire city was there. In reality, it looked more like teabagger attendance at an intellectual-curiosity conference. If you're hyperventilating from the shock of being misled by the media, breathe into a paper sack for a few minutes. Works for me.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Snort Answer Man. Kossack Turkana asks: ACORN exonerated: The tapes were edited. Will the media retract and apologize?
[Snort!]
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to swing time. Golf's most prestigious event, the Masters tournament got underway yesterday in Augusta, Georgia. Tiger Woods is barely a blip on my radar---I'm rooting for old-timers Fred Couples (50) and Tom Watson (60), who are still hanging around the top of the leader board. I thought about turning pro once, but the magic dissipated when I found out they didn't allow liquor on the course. And I had to walk. And practice. And there's a buncha rules. It sounded too much like a job.
CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. On April 9, 1865---145 years ago today---Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the War Between the States. The event holds significance for us here in Maine because of an honor that was bestowed by Ulysses Grant on our own General Joshua Chamberlain, whose 20th Regiment fended off the Confederates at Gettysburg and helped turn the tide of the war:
So it happened that this VOLUNTEER OFFICER, was chosen by General Grant himself, out of all the officers (volunteer AND Regular army) in the Army of the Potomac, to receive the "arms and colors" of the Army of Northern Virginia. ... Upon hearing this news, Chamberlain asked the new Fifth Corps commander one thing: he wanted to be given the First Division's Third Brigade---which included the 20th Maine---because he had shared so many battles with them, and wanted them beside him, in this historic hour. ... The ceremony took place three days later, on April 12, 1865---four years to the day since the first shots were fired on Fort Sumter, South Carolina.
Hey, I have a great idea. Let's not do it again, shall we?
CHEERS to home vegetation. After hitting a record high of 85 Wednesday, Portland has reverted back to Chillsville, so we'll be couch-potatoe'ing it this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher breaks from his usual format to talk one-on-one with Green Day lead singer Billy Joe Armstrong, Chris Rock, and In the Green Kitchen author Alice Waters. New DVD releases include Nicholas Cage in Bad Lieutenant: So Bad He Stretched His Finances Too Thin and Now He Can't Sell Any of His Mansions Without Losing A Fortune, plus a documentary called Dirt: The Movie which, amazingly, is about...dirt! Don’t forget to catch Episode 2 of Jeff Lieber's new series, Miami Medical tonight. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, complete with our EXCLUSIVE "Flaming Liberal Representation Index" (0 = no Dennis Kucinich-like flaming liberals represented, 10 = total San Francisco elitist tongue bath):
Meet the Press: Hillary Clinton and Robert Gates; David Brooks, Kathleen Parker, and Harold Ford. Flaming Liberal Representation Index: 0
This Week: Hillary Clinton and Robert Gates again? Plus the closest thing Republicans have to a foreign policy expert, Rudy 911; and a roundtable with George Will, Cokie Roberts, Arianna Huffington and Sam Donaldson: Flaming Liberal Representation Index: 1
Face the Nation: Surprise!!! Hillary Clinton and Robert Gates. Flaming Liberal Representation Index: 0
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift and Monica Crowley spend the half hour trying to get John McLaughlin and Pat Buchanan unstuck after they have an accidental jowl meld. Flaming Liberal Representation Index: 1
Bill Moyers Journal: The long-term effects of our country's obsession with war. Plus author Louise Ehrdrich. Flaming Liberal Representation Index: 8
Fox Pity Party with Chris Wallace: No clue who's on. Flaming Liberal Representation Index: -1,000 (A rough estimate---it could go lower)
Clearly the media has a liberal bias. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: April 9, 2005
CHEERS to Victor Yushchenko. The new Ukrainian president---looking more like a leader and less like a poisoned toad---spoke to a joint session of Congress. Said he: "We do not seek only a thaw in the frosty relations of the past. We seek a new atmosphere of trust, frankness and partnership." So what are you doing here? We suck at it.
JEERS to leads that bleed. We read in the April issue of The Progressive about a study showing that, in the month leading up to the November 2 elections, local TV stations in large cities "devoted eight times as much air time to car crashes and other accidents than to campaigns for the House of Representatives, state Senate, city hall, and other local offices." In other words, they focused almost exclusively on the presidential campaign.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to today's edition of Point-Counterpoint. Point:
Topless women marching through the streets of Portland? Gals, how can you do such an embarrassing, humiliating, undignified thing and still expect to be loved by a great guy and respected by him and others?
Whatever has happened to common decency, dignity and decorum? The fact that a man can get by with going topless in certain casual settings is in no way the same as a woman doing so. ...
Where is your sense of pride and self-respect? You’re leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination of the menfolk. Therefore, there’s no longer such a thing as a romantic sense of mystery and intrigue when you march along, boobs bouncing and flopping.
It’s not attractive, girls, and the sooner you realize that, the better for all of us!
Rosalie Welch-Johnson
Bangor
Counterpoint:
Dear Rosalie,
Gee, thanks. I'll remember that.
Sincerely,
God
Creator of All Living Things, LLC
cc: St. Peter
Have a great weekend. Stay classy. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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