I had an epiphany in the night (which was so much more pleasurable than racing my 62 year old bladder to the bathroom).
Anybody remember the Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission case that was in front of the Supreme Court way back when? Well, actually this past January, but it’s no longer a hot issue since so much oil has passed under the bridge since then. January 21st is my wedding anniversary, and by chance, the day corporations became humans and were allowed to marry humans (eat your heart out LGBTers). Since the ruling, there's been barely a peep of dissent or sustained disgust - not even from Rick (Man-on-dog) Santori.
We never thought something good would come out of it, right?
Well think again.
True – the Court has spoken!
Corporations achieved official, legally sanctioned personhood that day – probably even in Arizona (with the possible exception of Dos Equis). But here comes the slick part of the story (as it were). Thanks to the U.S. Extreme Court, if BP is found guilty of murder (at least manslaughter) in the deaths of the 11 rig workers who perished on their ill-fated oil platform, then the entire company can be jailed.
Which is problematic, because in sheer size we’re talking about a mega-convict here. If you multiply BP’s 80,300 employees by an average of just 150 lbs per employee, that translates into a single 12,045,000 pound convict. Obviously, no 6’x9’ jail cell is going to hold a “person” that humungus. Plus, our prisons are already overflowing with convicted pot smokers who are always hungry. We need to store prisoner BP where space is no problem and over-feeding is impossible.
Fortunately, I have a ready solution.
First, we break up BP into two smaller corporations. For our purposes, we’ll call them B & P. Next, we move back the fences at Guantanamo and Bagram . Finally, we toss the whole bunch of em where they can conveniently “disappear” while waiting, and waiting, and waiting for trial and sure sentencing (that's the gas chamber part).
OILEZ! OILEZ!
My court is in session!
Who wants to volunteer for Jury Duty?