From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
While cleaning the House of Snark we found these goodies behind the couch...
"If Judge Alito is confirmed, there would be two sitting Supreme Court justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case of Mullet vs. Backhair."
---Conan O'Brien
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"The problem with 24-hour news channels is that it takes a month to show 24 hours of actual news!"
---Lewis Black
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"Republicans are so efficient. It took them only 10 years in power to become as corrupt as the Democrats were after 40 years in control."
---William Stosine, Letters to the Editor, Time magazine
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"The White House, for the first time, didn't open the door for trick-or-treaters last night. It's not terrorism, they're just worried that someone will come to the door with a subpoena."
---Jay Leno
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Finally, while Congress is slashing food stamps, student loans and heating assistance to save money (the Bridge to Nowhere remains intact, thank god), Molly Ivins looks elsewhere and comes up with 60 pain-free billion dollars:
Just for starters, is there anyone---anyone---who thinks we need more than 1,000 nuclear warheads in order to have a credible nuclear deterrent at this time? By cutting back to 1,000, we can save $13 billion right there.
Another $26 billion would be saved by scaling back or stopping the research, development and construction of weapons that are useless to deal with modern threats. Many of the weapons involved, like the F/A-22 fighter jet and the Virginia Class submarine, were designed to fight the defunct Soviet Union. All of this is according to Lawrence Korb, whose credentials are endless---senior fellow at the Center for American Progress, senior adviser to the Center for Defense Information, former vice president of Raytheon, etc. The $26 billion does not include the old Star Wars program, now called missile defense, which could be cut back to basic research for a savings of $7 billion.
I'm trying to give you some sense of scale here. According to Korb's research, we could take $60 billion out of the defense budget, 15 percent of the total, without remotely affecting military readiness.
Amazing---she didn't even break a sweat.
Have a great weekend. With Bush out of the country, how could we not?? Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 4, 2005
Note: You'll notice that there are a few bites taken out of your sandwich today. Sorry.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til winter begins: 47
Days til Christmas and the start of Hannukah: 51
Age of the average of network TV viewer: 51.6 years (CBS), 49 years (NBC), 46 years (ABC)
(Source: Entertainment Weekly via The Week magazine)
Number of letters in "This is the poorest excuse for a president this country has ever had:" 56
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,360
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "I don't know what you two did, but it can't be good. And what's that smell???"
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CHEERS to the #1 story of the day. (Thanks for the tip, Jane!) C&J is now enshrined in the damp, dirty bowels of ABC News:
The liberal Daily Kos website takes a look at where the President stood at this time last year. A flashback: "Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it."
Now that I've gone mainstream, I gotta start calling y'all far-left fringe wackos. And it hurts, believe me.
DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT to Ken Tomlinson. He's the crony rat (redundant, I know) who tried to turn the Corporation for Public Broadcasting into Fox News II, going so far as to pay hacks to root out "liberal bias" (Big Bird = Michael Moore!). But, uh, I have this feeling we won't be buyin' any welcome cards for his replacement.
CHEERS to the fallout. Looks like a few patriotic American liberals appreciated what Harry Reid did on Tuesday:
...my office has been inundated with flowers, balloons, cards and good wishes. I wanted to say thank you all. You support means the world to my staff and me.
In addition, I am happy that so many people understand how important [Tuesday] was. Democrats have been demanding answers on the pre-war intelligence for two years. Now Republicans have finally agreed to complete the investigation that will provide the answers to these vital questions so we all can know the truth about why we went to war in Iraq.
From the bottom of my heart---thank you.
---Harry Reid
You're welcome. Now come to your fair state in June and speak at the Yearly Kos convention. From the bottom of my heart---pencil it in??
CHEERS to the pinnacle of `Truth.' Sources say Al Franken's book The Truth (with jokes) debuts at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list this weekend. Michelle Malkin's new book, Mom! Liberals Are Being Mean to Me!!...doesn't.
JEERS to the Great Impasta. An Italian government bigwig says we were tipped off that our main reason for going to war (nuclear bombs in baby carriages) was a bunch of elephant dung, but the neo-cons went ahead and stuck it in President Bush's State of the Union speech anyway. I'm starting to not trust these guys.
CHEERS to story math problems. Pay attention: It's November 4th. TV news icon Walter Cronkite is celebrating his 89th birthday. First Lady Laura Bush is celebrating her 59th. You only have enough money for one gift. What fraction of a second will it take to conclude that Cronkite deserves the gift more than B... Wow, that was fast.
JEERS to struttin' on the runway of cluelessness. Yeah...Brownie again. Now we've discovered emails he sent in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina with messages like:
"I'm trapped now, please rescue me."
"If you'll look at my lovely FEMA attire, you'll really vomit. I am a fashion god"
"Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?"
Upon hearing the new revelations, President Bush responded swiftly and decisively. In this administration, it's the kiss of death.
JEERS to infernal affairs. Scooter Libby had his first day in court yesterday. According to the L.A. Times (via Americablog---Muah, guys!), it was a fiery affair. I swear that's Cheney up there throwin' gas on it...
JEERS to desperate housewives. Some judge in Utah may lose his robes if he's found guilty on charges of polygamy---he has 3 wives. Of course, the real crime is knowing that there are 3 women who are actually attracted to this guy. Ick.
P.S. In the world of polygamy, have women ever taken more than one husband? Or are they smart enough to know that one is enough?
CHEERS to the tightening noose. Wipe that smile off yer mugshot, Tom DeLay...there's a new sheriff on the House ethics panel. William "Not Bill!" O'Reilly's biggest challenge: knowing where to start.
JEERS to unintentional buttwaxings. Home Depot...Toilet seat...Glue...Prank. Put `em all together and you get... Lawsuit!!! Oh, and here's something I just learned: your spellchecker will explode if you type the word "buttwaxings."
CHEERS to weekend TV. Goody goody:
Friday Night: The season finale of Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live: The best of SNL commercial parodies (NOBODY does `em better)
Sunday Night: The live debate between Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda on The West Wing
Meanwhile The Colbert Report has been renewed by Comedy Central into 2007. And in case you're wondering, this is why James Spader wins Emmys. Wow.
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One Year Ago in C&J: November 4, 2004...
CHEERS to blessed silence. Can you hear it? That's the sound of no more obnoxious campaign commercials. Now we can get back to normalcy---ads for maxi shields and penis pills. Yeehaw.
JEERS to slinking out the back door. Bush gets re-elected and Yasser Arafat immediately falls into a coma. Snap out of it, Mr. Chairman---if we gotta endure this guy for another 4 years, so do you.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to a preview of our weekend. A rum and Coke, a seedy tavern, raucous friends...and BAR MONKEY!!!!. Hey, shut up...he's my cousin.
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Virtually no animals were harmed in the writing of this column. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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