From the C&J Throne Room in the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Following our mayor's advice to connect with summer tourists, I recently went on a random `flip the bird at summer tourists' spree in the quaint Old Port section of Portland. Much to my delight one woman threw a book at my head---Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Colossal Collection of "Quotable" Quotes--- and I'm really enjoying it. See, I love quotations. I eat `em like Skittles. I hope you enjoy these during your next, um, "gastrointestinal coronation"...
"Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him."
Art Buchwald
"One of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our fathers used in the great struggle for Independence."
Charles A. Beard
"If you were to go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yellnick McWawa."
Cliff Claven, Cheers
(This one's for the neo-cons and young Republicans): "It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle."
Norman Schwarzkopf
"Hey Harry, you know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and something that has two hundred thousand moving parts...all built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?"
Steve Buscemi in Armageddon
This weekend be sure to take one small step for man...one giant leap for PARTYTIME! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Friday, July 22, 2005
Note: If you see a group of whirling dervishes on the street give `em a wide berth, man, because if they spin off-axis they're takin' you down.
By the Numbers:
Days `til the Beach to Beacon 10k Road Race: 15
U.S. Companies that offered same-sex domestic partner benefits in 1980: 0
Companies that offer them today: 8,277
(Source: Human Rights Campaign)
Number of states where co-habitation is still illegal: 7
(Source: Air America)
Number of employees at the Dept. of Homeland Security: 180,000
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,241
Days spent at terror alert Green or Blue: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Someone's got the right idea.
CHEERS to the Amazing Bushkin! Ladies and gentlemen, in his continuing quest to cement his legacy as the Worst President Ever, George W. Bush will now attempt to dive from this platform into a shot glass at the 64% disapproval-on-Iraq mark: "Heh Heh...Geronimooooo!!" He did it!! Next performance is at 5:15---tell your friends!
JEERS to Don Rumsfeld. Morale is getting lower in the military, so what does the head of our military have to say about it? "Hey, it's the Army's fault, not mine.". You're right, Don. Bad, bad army. You should all come home right now and report for KP duty stateside.
JEERS to Bushian behavior. Did you hear about this? The Senate rejected the president's proposal to enlarge the Supreme Court by 6 justices. His plan was denounced as "court-packing" by critics. July 22, 1937. Franklin Roosevelt. Nice try.
CHEERS to your health tip of the day. Wearing a really bulky coat in the middle of July in London can lead to heat stroke. Or death in a hail of bullets. So stick to a colorful tank top. And drink plenty of fluids!
CHEERS to Steve Gilliard. C&J tried to find a caption for this wacky Bush photo (well, aren't they all wacky?), but we couldn't top Steve's riff on the John Roberts nomination. Well done, sir...well done. (And polite applause to Baldwiny for his caption, which brilliantly resurrects the word "dookie".)
JEERS to Karl Rove. Cartoonist Mike Luckovich catches Turdblossom outing yet another undercover agent. Oh my...M is not going to be happy about this.
CHEERS to nabbing the gangsta. On this date in 1934, John Dillinger was gunned down in front of Chicago's Biograph Theatre. It was payback for recommending "Wedding Crashers."
P.S. I'd pay money to watch Billy Bob Thornton read the friggin' phone book in a movie, so I'm jazzed about seeing him as---in Roger Ebert's words---"a merger of his ugly drunk in `Bad Santa' and his football coach in `Friday Night Lights'" in The Bad News Bears. Surely my boss wouldn't mind if I ducked out a little early...?
JEERS to "smart cars." In today's must-read, W. Bruce Cameron explains why vehicular transportation of the future will be a little too plugged into our lives. And another thing, Detroit: bring back the rumble seat already!
CHEERS to Kewl tunes. On this date in 1893, Katharine Lee Bates wrote "America the Beautiful." C&J thinks it should replace Francis Scott Key's ditty as our national anthem. As long as we change "God shed his grace on thee" to "Dog sheds her fleas on me."
CHEERS to helping hands. We take this new recruitment poster very seriously, and so should young Republicans from sea to shining sea. What say you, oh wee green pigskin punters?
(Mild) CHEERS to an elder statesmen. Happy 82nd birthday, Bob Dole. Best thing he ever said: "If you're hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You'll get the same kind of feeling and you won't have to pay." C&J would add: If the Senate's closed, the House is right next door.
C&J Flashback: July 22, 2004...
CHEERS to Jerry Goldsmith. Hollywood loses a gentle giant as legendary film composer---and C&J idol---dies at 75. `Patton,' `Alien,' `Planet of the Apes,' lots of `Star Trek' themes, and that infectious ditty for `The Waltons'... Click here for the résumé of a musical genius. We can only imagine how he'll whip the harpists upstairs into shape.
JEERS to the war president. Under Bush, America loses its 900th soldier in Iraq. Let's review: No WMDs, no link to 9/11, 1/80th the original estimate of mass grave victims, no imminent threat to anyone, and now Iraq is Terror Central. If you have a punchline, be our guest--we got nothin' but contempt.
And just one more...
CHEERS to Scrotum Scrub. Hey, it's Friday. So just click and enjoy. We'll get back to SCOTUS scrubbing Monday.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-