From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
JEERS to shooting America in the face. Wow...this is an unbelievable admission from Dick Cheney. Let's set it up step-by-step:
1. The Republican "hawks" love to boast of how quickly and efficiently the Iraqi security forces are getting trained and deployed to defeat the terrorists inside their country. They promise that "as the Iraqis stand up, we'll stand down."
2. The Republicans also love to boast that invading Iraq made America safer because we're "fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here."
3. Yesterday, Dick Cheney blew #1 and #2 all to hell with this jaw-dropping admission that we can never, ever pull our troops out:
"If we pull out, [the terrorists in Iraq] will follow us. It doesn't matter where we go. ... And it will continue---whether we complete the job or not in Iraq---only it'll get worse. Iraq will become a safe haven for terrorists."
The only conclusion that can be drawn from the vice president---the architect of this occupation---is, we're screwed. So today I bid a warm welcome to our Iraqi brothers and sisters who now belong to America's 51st state: Cheneyoming. Whether they, or we, like it or not.
P.S. Who's undermining the morale of our troops now by admitting the mission will never be accomplished? Who could that be, Dick?
Cheers and Jeers hits the bottle early in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 23, 2006
Note: Cheers and Jeers will not appear next week on account of we're traveling on business. We will be reactivating the C&J Withdrawal Hotline In New England (WHINE), which will be staffed by volunteer Katherine Harris. We will return for our annual July 4th Red, White and Blechh edition.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Pirates of the Caribbean II: 14
Days `til the Lisbon Falls Moxie festival: 14
Days since "Mission Accomplished": 1,148
Fall in the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis that can result from drinking four cups of coffee a day, according to a new study: 80%
Cups of coffee drunk by the average American each day: 3.2
(Source: TIME)
And from the Department of No-Land Security:
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,558
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Y'know, some people put out a basket of fruit or a basket of candy in their home. And some people don't.
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CHEERS to saving the day. In Florida, a plot to redecorate the Sears Tower has been thwarted by authorities. The suspects were caught because they were recruiting kids for a karate class, wearing turbans, speaking with Jamaican accents and asking local church workers "for water." (We assume they were planning to turn it into exploding water.) This is another victory for the doctrine of fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over he... Hey, waaaait a minute...
CHEERS to Ava. Her latest animation is hard to watch...and today's must-watch. Biologically Punky Brewster. Intellectually Eleanor Roosevelt. Wow.
JEERS to global warming sizzling. Because of the rise in rampant homosexuality and feminism, the 6,000 year-old earth is now hotter than it's been in 2,000 years:
The National Academy of Sciences, reaching that conclusion in a broad review of scientific work requested by Congress, reported Thursday that the "recent warmth is unprecedented for at least the last 400 years and potentially the last several millennia."
A panel of top climate scientists told lawmakers that the Earth is heating up and that "human activities are responsible for much of the recent warming." Their 155-page report said average global surface temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere rose about 1 degree during the 20th century.
Take good care of your snow shovel---it'll be worth something on eBay one of these days.
CHEERS to covering our asses. Okay, this is good news: scientists say that human efforts to save the thinning ozone layer are paying off. Says the author of a recent study: "It's very impressive that scientists, policy makers, chemical manufacturers and even the general public worked quite agreeably to a solution with ozone. And it did take all those collaborators."
Too bad the current administration has ripped the word "collaboration" out of all their dictionaries.
JEERS to prying eyes. In yet another "significant departure from typical practice" where "the potential for abuse is enormous," the federal government is now snooping into your bank records without a warrant. You can add this to similar Bush administration efforts to tap your phones, read your emails, break into your home without knocking, and buy your personal information. What'll they do next week? Let's just say I hope you haven't torn that "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW" tag off your mattress.
JEERS to the peeling white picket fence. (via C&J'er Phatty McButterpants) You know the phrase there goes the neighborhood? A new report says middle class neighborhoods in America are shrinking. Reason: the rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer, and the middle class is getting...um, poorer.
CHEERS to 1-900-CLARENCETHOMAS. 17 years ago today, the Supreme Court refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry. The justices in the majority were the ones with cauliflower ears.
P.S. Clarence Thomas turns (only) 58 today. You'll find a little, um, "present" on your Coke can, sir. We all chipped in.
JEERS to mixed signals. Yesterday the Senate wouldn't consider a withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. Yesterday the Pentagon considered a reduction of U.S. troops from Iraq. Withdrawal...reduction. Withdrawal...reduction. Let's call the whole thing off.
BLIMEY! to leading by one helluvan example. A British government official was fired for promoting hideous office conduct at the Rural Payments Agency in Newcastle. Employees were allegedly caught "having sex in toilets and jumping naked from filing cabinets." Investigators call such behavior outrageous. Around here we call that Friday afternoon.
HOO-AH! to the Pull-My-Finger Division. (via Atrios) Holy crap on a Christmas Holiday tree! How desperate is Donald Rumsfeld for new recruits? So desperate that the Army has raised its enlistment age to 42. I can see it now: "Hang on ya damn insurgents...I gotta switch to my reading glasses so I can reload my gun. Make yerself useful and go mow the grass or somethin'. Maybe do yer homework for once..." Ah, I get it now---we're going to win the war by badgering them to death.
CHEERS to career fields that are wide open. A man named Bush stands around with a trained monkey and collects money. No, not President Cuckoo Bananas---this would be Joe Bush, the last organ grinder working in New York City (his monkey, however, is called George II). I tried making money with a trained lobster but it didn't work out. Instead of bills he kept bringing back crushed fingers.
JEERS to losing my business. Gee, I was all set to buy the most expensive Ford truck on the market. Then this Ford ad came on TV "starring" American Idol winner Taylor Hicks. He didn't persuade me to buy a Ford...he screamed at me to BUY A FORD, BABY!! WOWEEOOOEEOO YEAH!!! Thank ya, Jesus, for giving humanity the `mute' button. And for making Hondas.
CHEERS to "a punch in the gut." Opening in theatres today (limited release, we assume) is The Road to Guantanamo, which tells the story of how three innocent British Muslins were captured in Afghanistan and sent to the "world's most notorious prison." Reviews are overwhelmingly positive, and you can watch the trailer at the official site. Y'know, I knew one day there would be a movie that made Midnight Express look like Barney and Friends. But I never expected that we'd be the villains. Heckuva job, Preznit.
RATS to taking your ball and going home. The USA is out of World Cup competition, thanks to a 62-1 defeat at the hands of a country called Gahnarrhea. No matter...you guys are still a shoe-in to win the trophy for best legs. My my my...
CHEERS to safe porking. The world's oldest condom---made of pig intestines, reusable, and dating back to 1640---is now on display in an Austrian museum. It even has the original instructions, written in Latin. Step #1 was critical: Remove chastity belt. (I don't care what country you're from...that's gotta hurt.)
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One Year Ago in C&J: June 23, 2005:
JEERS to David Brooks. The New York Times op-ed page oddity says we should stay the course in Iraq because---are you sitting down?
"Franklin Roosevelt told the country on Feb. 23, 1942: `Your government has unmistakable confidence in your ability to hear the worst, without flinching or losing heart. You must, in turn, have complete confidence that your government is keeping nothing from you except information that will help the enemy in his attempt to destroy us.'"
And that, kids, is why you shouldn't eat hallucinogenic mushrooms before you sit down to write.
CHEERS to magic words. AFI has posted their list of the top movie lines of all-time. Their #1: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" from Gone With the Wind. Our #1: "I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive..." from Fahrenheit 911.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to nursery rhymes revisited:
Rub-a-dub-dub
Three pooties in a tub
And who do you think they be?
What, you think I'm a friggin' idiot?
You walk up to `em and see.
Have a great weekend. Do what the pharmaceutical companies recommend in their ads: pop some bladder-control pills and go run through the neighbor's meadow. Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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