From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Dare ye venture...INSIDE the Supreme Court??
Cameras have never been allowed inside the Supreme Court, and those who have entered its hallowed halls must take a sacred oath not to reveal what they have seen. Nevertheless, a handful of scattered eye-witness accounts...have emerged over the years, offering Americans a tantalizing glimpse into the most mysterious of the three branches of government.
(Phillip A Simon, paralegal, 1931)
"The interior chamber is near dark. In the middle of the room, the justices float in a huge tank of brine. Their decisions and dissents are issued in whale-song and hastily recorded and interpreted by clerks."
(Theodore Williams, former janitor, 1952)
WHEN THEY HIRED ME, THE FIRST THING THEY TOLD ME WAS `KEEP MY EYES ON THE FLOOR AND CONCENTRATE ON THE DROPPINGS.' BUT ONE TIME I LOOKED UP AND SAW NINE HAIRY BIPEDS LOPING INTO A LINE OF CURTAINS.
(Anonymous attorney, c. 1973)
"It was kind of scary. They had curtains strung up to create dark little corridors, and a strobe light blinking somewhere. I was taken aback to hear that `Rock and Roll Part II' song as the Justices entered. One justice, I think it was Thurgood Marshall, was wearing a skeleton mask. He made me put my hand in a box. I thought it was full of macaroni, but he told me it was `Frankenstein's brains.' I got scared and ran out before I had a chance to argue. And that's how I lost Roe vs. Wade."
(Anonymous Law Clerk, 1982)
"It was the only time in my adult life I had the misfortune to experience a `purple nurple.' I left the law shortly thereafter."
From America: The Book
Weekend...straight ahead!! Loosen your belts and bra straps, kids. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 7, 2005
Note: If I see one more shirt-tail flapping while I'm Captain of this ship, woe betide the sailor, woe betide the OOD, and woe betide the morale officer. I kid you not!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Yom Kippur: 5
Days `til the bankruptcy law takes effect: 10
Number of homicides committed in New Orleans during the week after hurricane Katrina hit: 4
Number of homicides committed there during an "average" week: 4
(Source: New Orleans Times-Picayune via The Week magazine)
Percent of employees in the U.S. who called in sick last year...and were actually sick: 38%
(Source: Chicago Tribune via The Week)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,332
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day "Oh, dear god...and you thought my farts smelled bad! Gemme outta here!"
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CHEERS to take-backs and do-overs. (via Raw Story) The new head of FEMA, R. David "Got Duct Tape?" Paulison, says no-bid reconstruction contracts forged in the wake of hurricane Katrina are going to become open-bid contracts after all:
"I've been a public servant for a long time, and I've never been a fan of no-bid contracts," Paulison told a Senate panel investigating the Federal Emergency Management Agency's response to the hurricane. "Sometimes you have to do them because of the expediency of getting things done. And I can assure that you we are going to look at all of those contracts very carefully."
And no fair counting Kellogg Brown and Root as three companies. But nice try.
JEERS to President Cuckoo Bananas. George "Jerky Jaw" Bush---crying "Wolf!" for the 84 billionth time in another "major policy address" that was as substantial as Harriett Miers' legal record---says we must continue fighting in Iraq because it has become the world's central breeding ground for terrorists. In other words, by invading that country, we've turned it into pre-9/11 Afghanistan. (That was the plan...right?)
P.S. Bush says we've disrupted 10 Al Qaeda terrorist plots since "The September the 11th." I wonder if the charred remains of his trousers will make it into his preznidential libary?
P.P.S. 37 percent approval, huh? Warren Harding's thinking to himself, "Wow...I'm off the hook."
CHEERS to roving Karl. Turdblossom gets frog-marched back to the grand jury for the fourth time today, and C&J's crystal ball foresees the grilling:
Question: Mr. Rove, are you now or have you ever been...a dick?
Rove: I hereby invoke the fifth amendment of the American Constitution.
We'll mark that down as a youbetcha.
CHEERS to Katherine Lanpher. The Al Franken Show co-host leaves Air America today to pursue a writing career. She played the straight-woman like a pro, and she'll be missed. So Al...what's Frannie doing these days?
JEERS to grim reality. Get used to stories like this: Two of the "main hospitals" in New Orleans have been deemed unsalvageable because of unbreathable air (read: mold spores with 16-inch biceps) and water damage. It'll cost hundreds of millions of dollars to rebuild `em. So if y'all wouldn't mind not getting sick or having accidents for a few years, they sure would appreciate it.
CHEERS to quidditch queens. Tinky Winky. Spongebob. Bert and Ernie. And now, a British cleric says that Harry Potter is gay. And as of this morning, Reverend Graham Taylor is slowly adjusting to his new life as a toad.
JEERS to sinners. It's Oliver North's 62nd birthday today. Even though he's a Bible-thumper, he's gonna need all the help he can muster to make it through the Pearly Gates. But since you're still with us, Colonel...Tttthhhhhhhpt!
CHEERS to saints. To cleanse your visual palate from the jerk mentioned above, let's hear it for Bishop Desmond Tutu, who turns 74 today. A few reasons why we love him:
"Be nice to the whites, they need you to rediscover their humanity."
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"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."
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"I don't preach a social gospel; I preach the Gospel, period. The gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned for the whole person. When people were hungry, Jesus didn't say, `Now is that political or social?' He said, `I feed you.'"
Or, to translate those words into language that James Dobson and the knuckledragger fundies can understand: "Blablahblah..."
CHEERS to poetic justice. Three years ago today, President George W. Bush said in a speech that only the removal of Saddam Hussein from power would end the U.S. confrontation with Iraq. How ironic that, today, only the removal of George W. Bush from power will end the U.S. confrontation with Iraq.
JEERS to `That Day.' On October 7, 1998, gay University of Wyoming student Matthew Shepard was savagely beaten by two morons with too much testosterone and not enough brains. He died five days later and instantly became the symbol of homohatred in America. Seven years later, this depiction is still sadly relevant.
CHEERS to feelin' the need---the need for speed! Feast your eyes on what Portland is getting next year. This feline slices through the water at 55 miles per hour, making the trip to Yarmouth, Nova Scotia in 5 hours (the old boat took 12). Tourists call it great fun. But until we throw the Republican thugs out, I call it an alternate escape route.
CHEERS to gridiron madness. On October 7, 1916, Georgia Tech creamed Cumberland University of Lebanon, Tennessee, 222-0 in the most lopsided football game in history. C&J wonders...were there any Lebanon players on the field???
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One Year Ago in C&J: October 7, 2004...
CHEERS to the `Edwards Effect.' The day after he wins the debate, the alert level for Mount St. Helens dropped, Bush got slapped with the worst Iraq WMD report yet, the Rush Limbaugh drug scandal roared back to life, Tom Delay got rebuked again, and the Dow shot up 62 points. What is it about Democrats and good news??
JEERS to red herrings. Bush's "major policy address" yesterday turned out to be just another scripted stump speech that can be summed up in these four words. And here's a BIG SURPRISE: the press lapped it up. Like my dog when she gets in the cat box. [10/7/05 Update: Bush's "major policy address" yesterday turned out to be just another scripted stump speech that can be summed up in these four words. And here's a BIG SURPRISE: the press lapped it up.]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to defending your Chunky Monkey. Tired of unscrupulous thieves dipping into your ice cream? Then strap on Ben and Jerry's innovative Euphori-lock and confound the varmints. (But if they take a hacksaw and go through the bottom...tough luck.)
Have a creamy, dreamy weekend. Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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