(This is Chapter Seven, Part One, in the Mayor Gunfumble Farce. Readers may appreciate the background information found in the six previous chapters. Originally published as a single diary, it has now been divided into Parts One and Two, at the suggestion of a reader. I appreciate and consider all feedback.)
Let's say you are the Mayor of Hartford, Wisconsin.
Let's say you try to carry your handgun, concealed, into public meetings.
Let's say you drop your holstered handgun on three separate occasions, at three separate meetings, and each time it hits the floor with a thud.
Let's say there are targets witnesses and innocent bystanders present each time.
What do you do?
I still cannot believe that I even need to ask.
A: If you are an elected official with integrity, you resign. Full stop.
But, if you are Timothy C. “Madcap” Michalak, you delude yourself. You want, desperately, to believe that nothing is wrong with you, or with your actions. “Nothing strange and disturbing is going on here! These things happen all the time in politically conservative counties, in conservative culture. Nothing to see here. No story. Move along.” The lies and the self-deceiving self-talk echo as they bounce off the walls of your Panic Room. But you are wrong, Timmy. You have a problem. You are the problem. You are a threat to public safety, Timmy. You.
Psychologists report that people conform their behavior to what they see around them. Once a corrupt practice takes root in a society, or a government, or a political party, or a cult, it's extremely difficult to eliminate because it's seen as normal, not as a problem to be fixed. More on this later.
To aid and abet this absurdity, Tim's buddies, the Aldermen, act as if he has no history. Three gun fumbles, three meetings. That's a history. But these myopic dolts won't see the pattern. They refuse to see the pattern. As noted in the previous paragraph, “Once a corrupt practice takes root...”
In baseball, three strikes and you're out. In Football, three fumbles and you warm the bench. And so it must be in government. Three gun fumbles and Timmy can't play mayor anymore, no matter how liberal he and the Aldermen are about public safety.
Hartford, Wisconsin, you have a problem. You call that problem, “Mayor Michalak.” It comes with a side order of Enabling Aldermen. Not a well-balanced government. You can't sprinkle a little Public Trust on top of that Whopper and make it palatable, not when everybody is watching the bulge on Timmy's hip. You see, at any second, his fully-loaded Trouser Trumpet may decide to play “Pop Goes the Weasel!”
Donald Kriefall is Chairman of the Washington County Board of Supervisors. He had a problem. Let's call that problem, “Timothy C. Michalak.” (Say, where have we heard that name before?) Michalak was a County Supervisor. He isn't anymore. Kriefall learned that Supervisor Michalak fumbled his concealed firearm in the Washington County Safety Building. It is against state law to carry firearms in such buildings, even if you have a Concealed Carry License.
Kriefall acted with swift, sure, surgical precision. His open letter, official, available online and from local media, began the incision. “After meeting with counsel and reviewing the allegations, I am calling for Supervisor Michalak to resign from office immediately.”
Zero Tolerance. You see that, Hartford residents?
“Mr. Michalak's decision to conceal carry his firearm without a valid permit in a place where firearms are prohibited by law amounts to a significant breach of the public trust.”
Condemn illegal and antisocial behavior. You see that, Hartford residents?
“Each day that this matter remains unresolved is a burden to the taxpayers of Washington County and casts a shadow over the Washington County Board of Supervisors. Supervisor Michalak's presence on the board is an unwelcome and unwanted distraction. The people of Washington County deserve better from their elected leaders.”
Bullseye. Your turn, Hartford residents. These are the arguments you can use. Take aim, pull the trigger. Public safety is at stake.
“If supervisor Michalak will not resign immediately, I will be preparing formal charges seeking his removal from the Board.”
Excise the cancer.
Kriefall operated. County Supervisor Timothy C. Michalak was removed. County government is now recovering rapidly, freed from a social and moral misfit. Hartford, you can do likewise.
Make the words “Public Safety” your scalpel.
But, in stark contrast to Washington County government, much of Hartford City government is infested with trolls who impersonate conservatives, feign conservative values and who spout conservative code talk. They circled the circus wagons and closed ranks around their now-infamous mayor...which only attracted more attention to his gun fumbles. (“Once a corrupt practice takes root...”)
Social media got wind of Madcap's antics, and the fact that he was hiding from reporters and constituents. They also began to uncover the complicity and indolence of the Hartford Common Council. Pundits opened fire. The nation is now roaring with laughter. Mayor Gunfumble and his Enabling Aldermen have been caricatured as Shriners driving Clown Cars. Picture these cartoon conservatives in bulbous red noses, wearing red cowboy hats and florescent frizzy wigs. They deck themselves out in red bandoliers full of rainbow-colored bullets, stumble into their cars (A decal on every door reads “Make America Great Again!”) and fire their pistols into the air while driving figure eights.
The Hartford Chamber of Commerce, always ready to put a positive spin on current events, has proposed that the annual city celebration known as “Hartford Days” be relaunched as “The Hartford Pistol Pageant.” Check the website for a list of family-friendly firearm activities! Don’t miss the Duck-and-Cover parade! Or maybe you'd like to close off your street for an afternoon, set up an Urban Apocalypse Shootout Set, and invite the neighbors to a Glock Party! Live rounds and lively fun!
Juggles and his cabal are roasted on social media for good reason. At the October 26th, 2021 Common Council meeting, available on YouTube, Juggles fumbled his holstered handgun as he was about to shake hands with an award recipient. What did the Aldermen, as eyewitnesses, do after seeing this?
They laughed. “He dropped his gun!” guffawed one of them. He was laughing himself breathless, wheezing. The Aldermen let that fumble slide. Not one of them protested this absurdity. Not one spoke about the danger to bystanders. Such standby-and-do-nothing disservice is called “enabling.” It’s like having a Common Council made up of Mike Pence clones. Sane Americans who believe in responsible, accountable, transparent government don't tolerate enablers in any elected or appointed office. And that fumble? It was his second. Yup. Juggles had done it once before.
For his serial exploits, Michalak is hailed as “Bumblestiltskin” and “Pauncho-Villa.” Across the nation, the Hartford Common Council is ridiculed as a den of “Good Buddy Gubmint!” Derision erupts at the mere mention of the name “Hartford,” now famous as the “Duck-and-Cover” City.
And performances by the mayor and the Aldermen at two meetings in April proved the pundits right.
At the April 12th Common Council meeting, Michalak offered a vague, terse, very “Republican” apology. You know the type. It's the “I'm not really sorry at all, but I have to say this,” apology. Here's the format:
-Step One: You gargle a few trite phrases that gesture, feebly, in the general direction of taking responsibility...meh, sort of...for a really dangerous and stupid thing you did. (Note: Madcap, overachiever that he is, did the stupid and dangerous thing not once, not twice, but three times. Three. At three public meetings. Three. At three government meetings. Three. I mean, seriously? Is this some Satanic ritual, an offering to the Unholy Trinity?)
-Step Two: You keep your comments content-free.
-Step Three: You make no commitment to change.
He didn't actually even explain what he was apologizing for, or how many instances of gun fumbling he has committed! Maybe he was just sorry that he got caught. Or maybe...maybe he was apologizing for the fact that his Concealed Carry license expired in November, 2021, and that since then, from December through March, a span of four months, he had been illegally carrying his handgun into Hartford government buildings, even into Common Council meetings. (Pause for face-palm.)
Note that for as long as County Supervisors were meeting in the Washington County Public Safety Building (regular chambers were being remodeled), Madcap was breaking the law if he carried a firearm into County Board meetings there. Or when he entered the building for any other reason. Are Madcap’s misdemeanors piling up like points on a pinball machine? Ding Ding Ding!!!
Well, Timmy? Did you? When adults apologize, they explain what they did wrong. They explain what they are apologizing for. Grownups do that. Details matter. It's part of accountability. It’s how you begin to make amends.
Let's do a little word problem. Now conservatives, I promise to keep it free of Critical Race Theory, so it can be used in math textbooks. Here goes:
Juggles the Pseudo-Conservative Clown has an expired Conceal Carry Permit. But if Juggles still, still, chooses to conceal-carry his trouser trumpet into a government building three times each month for four months, how many misdemeanors will he be charged with?
“Uh, uh, Aldermen! Put down your pencils and put on your Thinking Caps! I want you to solve this using Mental Math....Time's up!”
Huh, maybe that April 12th “apology” was just Mayor Misdemeanor saying he was sorry that breaking the law gave him such a spine-tingling thrill! Tell it to your priest, Timmy, and to your therapist. They'll tell you to put on your big boy pants, admit your mistakes, and resign. Government is for grownups.
And because words and details matter when an adult apologizes for wrongdoing, here's the text of Madcap's so-called apology:
“...I apologize to the good people of Washington County for what happened and I deeply regret my actions that gave rise to it. On my behalf and behalf of my family, I thank you.”
Yes, a very Republican, very non-apology type of apology. Michalak uses the passive tense, saying that he is apologizing “...for what happened...” and not for what he chose to do. He was the agent who perpetrated this idiocy, the instigator. This fiasco didn't just happen to him. He's not the passive recipient of this idiocy. He made it happen! It was your deliberate, irrational, infantile act, Timmy. Own it!
Clearly this guy is not used to owning up to his mistakes and apologizing for them. Witness the poor syntax, the lack of details. Did he cobble these sentences together on a napkin at The Mineshaft (local restaurant) ten minutes before lumbering over to the Common Council meeting? Was he sitting there in a booth, clutching his hip the whole time? “Can't afford a gun fumble in here,” thinks Timmy. It's so dark, he'd spend half an hour crawling around on his hands and knees in the steak sauce and flattened french fries, trying to find “it.” Now “it,” of course, is that-which-must-not-be-named, which he keeps fully-loaded and, should it tumble to the floor, could be picked up and kept as a prize by any sharp-eyed treasure hunter. “Hey, Daddy! Look what I found!”
And even if the lucky winner is of age, is she gonna hold it up high and say, “Hey, did anybody drop a handgun?” Patrons and servers would drop like flies. Parents would throw themselves over their children. (The bruises heal in about ten days.) “Score one for Public Safe-”...oh, wait…
The lesson: Gun fumbles and collateral damage go together like leg wounds and lawsuits...
Nor is Timmy gonna just stand up and call out to his constituents, “Uh, hey everybody, I dropped my handgun in here somewhere. Can you help me find it?” Optics. Very. Bad.
No, he'd just keep lumbering around down there on all fours, like some irradiated possum. People keep tripping over him and grousing, “Who the Hell let this mangy St. Bernard in here!?!?” No, he couldn't, he just couldn't explain what he was doing down there, what he was looking for...
His apolo-gesture (“I'm not a real apology, I just play one in my Netflix Miniseries.”) at the April 12th meeting makes no commitment to change, makes no tangible gestures or presents a concrete plan of action to restore public trust and restore public safety. None. Why, it's as if the laws he broke, and the danger he put people in, were no more serious to him than teeing off into the rough at the 9th hole. Timmy, if this is some kind of game to you, it's a really, really, sick and twisted game.
Ah, that's it. Mayor Gunslinger wants a Mulligan. No, wait. He expects a Mulligan! He wants us all to act as if it never happened! That's why he ended his so-called apology with a “Thank you.” He assumes he's done all he needs to do! “City Clerk, you can erase that agenda item from the whiteboard. My conscience is now clear.”
WTF, Hartford!
Timmy, you, your priest and your therapist are going to have a long, long, long series of talks about grown up stuff like confession, contrition, atonement, and restitution. And when you do, you’re going to leave your handgun at home, unloaded, with a trigger lock on it, in a locked cabinet. It’s what grown ups do.
But listen, Hartford. Having Mayor Man-Child ask for three Mulligans, three do-overs, and giving them to him, has disastrous economic and social consequences. The stench of Entitlement is billowing from sewers all over Hartford and encasing the city in a pasty-white cloud. Entitlement makes the city extremely dangerous! How can residents stay out of Mayor Gunfumble's Kill Zone if they can't even see where he is? And while you’re handing out Special Dispensations to GOP gun-jugglers, all across the nation, parents shake their heads and say, “Glad we didn't move there! No good role models in elected public office. And seriously, you say the schools there have no exclusion zones of any kind to keep the mayor out of range? Thank you, Social Media! We really dodged a bullet!”
"And kids, don't ever, ever, grow up to be like Mayor Gunfumble!"
But those of you familiar with Weasel-Speak, and the Weasels who speak it, are also sounding the alarm. Just what exactly is Mayor Gunfumble trying to pull here? He says, “On my behalf and behalf of my family...” Now the average listener doesn't pay much attention to boilerplate blather like that. It's purpose is to fill the air with noise, not to communicate anything of substance. He also pads his prose when he panders to county residents by saying, “...the 'good' people of Washington County...” It’s a shame, Timmy, that you can’t count yourself in that group. You don’t even try. And why it is that you don’t try will prove a shock to your neighbors and coworkers. More on that later.
But first, dig deeper into his blather.
Why did he even mention his family? They didn't conceal-carry firearms into a Public Safety Building and get caught. None of them has ever fumbled a handgun at one, no, wait, two other public meetings where government business was being conducted. (“Aldermen, put down those pencils! Mental Math! One gun fumble plus two gun fumbles equals how many gun fumbles? The clock is ticking!”) No one in Madcap's family has ever been so disdainful and disrespectful of public safety that any of them would fumble a gun three times in front of witnesses and innocent bystanders and have the arrogance to insist they don't have to change their behavior, or see a therapist. Timmy's family isn't guilty of the offenses he committed. Why did he rope his family into this apology?
One of the fundamental tenets of Weasel-Speak is: Use your family for cover, whenever necessary, to protect your position of power and authority. So Michalak ducked for cover behind his wife and kids. It was a very...ungraceful...dive. Like he was under fire. But I didn't say it was cowardly. I never called it an act of cowardice. I would never put the nouns “Michalak” and “coward” in close proximity or in the same sentence and imply they are synonyms.
Weasel-Speakers hide behind family. As a piece of political theater-chess, that move is pretty sly, pretty slick and very sick. Michalak is saying, “Don't punish me. I have a family! They need me!” Well, Man-Child, your infantile behavior, repeated so often that it bears the hallmarks of addiction, has just created a teachable moment. What a perfect opportunity for you to show your children how an adult accepts responsibility for his actions, and works, works, to restore his right relationship with his constituents, with his community, and with his creator. It takes more than bland words and trite phrases.
So, Mister "teachable moment," how did you explain your possible misdemeanor charges to your children? Did you trot out the "Woke liberals entrapped me!" conspiracy theory? Or did you take them into the fallout shelter and regale them with horror stories about Gun-Control Zombies who don’t eat brains (vegan zombies), but (this is every patriarch’s nightmare) indoctrinate children using reason (gasp!) to foment a “nonviolent, non-coercive, pluralistic society” (“Daddy! Stop! Tooooo Scary!”)...and somehow skirt the topic of your own dangerous and unnatural urges?
But the April 12th Common Council meeting was also an opportunity for Hartford Aldermen to voice the anger their constituents felt about Mayor Gunfumble's idiotic, antisocial, truly infantile behavior. So, you ask, how did it go?
You are a sane resident of Hartford. You think: Three gun fumbles at three different public meetings? And the perp is the mayor? Hell, this is a no-brainer! The solution is: no guns at government meetings! I mean, duuuuhhh, already! Government meetings always used to be gun-free! Let's just go back to doing government meetings like they did in the good old days! What was good enough for the last twenty four mayors is good enough for Juggles! Right, Aldermen?... Right?……..Aldermen?...(sound of crickets)
“Once a corrupt practice takes root...”
Sane residents of Hartford, I...I'm sorry to report that things did not go well. Many of your Aldermen were seen snorting lines of gunpowder right before the meeting, and are exhibiting the symptoms of Dumb-ocracy. As a consequence, you are without a voice in matters of public safety. See their blank stares? See their sniffling? See the twitches? The scratching? These addicts couldn't pass an eye exam. Any thinking they attempt will be of a veeeery low caliber...
April 12th is a day that will live in infamy.
Only one of the eight Aldermen, Webb, had the integrity to state the blatantly obvious: an armed Hartford police officer, a professional, is always present at meetings, so there is no good reason for any other person to carry a firearm. Six other Aldermen disgraced the City and disrespected their constituents by offering the mayor a gift: their silence.
These Aldermen, these elected officials, made no unanimous demand that meetings be gun-free. Even though meetings used to be that way! Even after the perp whose antics made fools of them all showed the nation, three times, that he can neither conceal his gun, nor carry it!
Unbelievable. Un-effin’ believable. No change in behavior needed here, Aldermen? Seriously? Nothing? Brain dead? Put down those straws! No snorting!
That leaves one Alderman.
The previous Gunfumble Diary exposed the disgraceful and enabling commentary of Common Council President, Dennis Hegy. His only remarks can be summarized as “Let's minimize and move on! Gosh, Mayor Gunfumble! You-are-so-super-contrite-can-I-hold-your-hand?”
In Part Two, published under the title “Mayor Gunfumble Speaks Weasel!”, we examine the April 19th Common Council meeting. One Alderman offers a bizarre defense of Mayor Gunfumble. It appears the mayor has been grooming him to spout Weasel-Speak. But readers with even a passing interest in supporting representative governance may be alarmed to see the Alderman advance a curious and selective support of First Amendment Rights. It has a very partisan bias. You might describe it as “Pro-Weasel.”
