This morning, the reanimated corpse known lovingly in conservative circles as Ann Coulter has again emerged from her swampy grave along the banks of the Potomac in an effort to gain attention. She has called upon her conservative minions to follow her to the lawn of the White House where she plans to burn a crucifix in full view of the Oval Office.
When we contacted her spokesman he was insistent that this display was in no way racially motivated, but instead was an opportunity for conservatives (douchbags) to come together for a bonfire and sing along. Thousands (or at least 20) teabaggers are planning to attend the event, but may be hampered by the White House’s no Hoverround policy. Rush Limbaugh, equally desperate for attention, is expected to attend the event and will be providing the keynote psychotic rant for the scooter ridden guests.
When we contacted the Secret Service, they said that they are taking the event very seriously. Specifically, they are reaching out to members of the Republican Party in hopes of finding a way of subduing Ann. More moderate members of the Republican Party, speaking off the record, indicated that they have been trying for years to kill Ms. Coulter, but at this point have been unable to find a weapon that can suffice.
“We’ve tried silver bullets, garlic cloves, crucifixes (or crucifi?) and wooden stakes, but at this point she seems impervious to mortal weapons. We even tried throwing her into lava, ala terminator, but she managed to escape”.
Despite their worries, the Secret Service is confident that they will be able to stop Ms. Coulter. The head of the Secret Service has asked that no members of the media attend the event saying, “If people just stop paying attention to her we think she’ll just fade away into obscurity, where she belongs”.
Please stay tuned for more updates in the coming days.
UPDATE* The Secret Service has issued a warning to the public. Under no circumstances should anyone listen to Ann Coulter. Doing so will deprive you of the ability to have a rational, coherent thought.
