The love of my entire world is dead

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Sunday August 17, 2014 · 11:39 PM PDT

2014/08/17 · 23:39

Before I met my budgie Tovi in December of 1999, I had made a commitment to myself.
I had previously been so wrecked by the pain of loss that I promised myself that I
would never ever open my heart fully to another of these fragile beautiful little
people again. I needed to have a bird in my life ... it was like having air to
breathe for me ... but this time, I promised myself, I would be cautious and not lay
myself so open. I knew I would love - of course I would. But never again so openly
and without restraint. It was just a recipe for pain.

That commitment, that promise to myself, lasted a grand total of three whole days of
having Tovi in my life. Three. Whole. Days. All he did was just be himself and I was
gone. Completely and utterly in love. No barriers, no holding back, complete and
utter abandon. My heart was completely and utterly his. After three days.

I met him when he was 6 weeks old. He lived for nearly 15 years. He in died in my
hands this past Wednesday, August 13 2014.

As the years have passed in our life together, I've known that given the budgie
lifespan versus the human lifespan, I would likely outlive him. It is still a horror
that I can't fathom. I've been reading about grief and it seems to me that I have a
fair amount of disbelief still going on. I keep thinking I should go see how he's
doing, keep expecting him to be there when I walk in the room where he lived, keep
looking at his cage and asking him how is it even possible that he's not here. I
sleep with one of his feathers in my hand. I'm turning his cage into a shrine and I
have his ashes in there already.

I can feel the screaming pain inside myself, muffled by whatever coping mechanism I
have going on right now, and I know that it's only a matter of time and circumstance
before it breaks free. I know that the measure of love is the exact measure of the
pain in there and the love was off the charts.

Michellebird

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Sunday July 20, 2014 · 8:19 PM PDT

2014/07/20 · 20:19

I'm going to keep this short, as I want to create an information and resource-sharing space:

Kossacks in Arizona:

1. Could you describe the local, regional and/or statewide organizations, groups and actions you're involved with that you think dailykos members would or should support?

2. What specific resources - money, technical skills, coalition linkages etc etc - would be helpful for your work?

Kossacks not in Arizona

Which of the resources needed, per#1 and #2 above, could you or your organization/group/etc offer or link people up with?

===============

I don't have any answers. I'm just really hoping for some real and grounded discussion and connection to emerge here.

===============

Also, a note: This is not a space in which to bash Arizona. It is also not a space in which to seek personal/emotional support given the drama around NN 2015. There are more than enough other diaries in which to do that. Not this one, okay? Thanks.

Can I accept the inevitable?

Michellebird

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Wednesday June 27, 2012 · 10:48 PM PDT

2012/06/27 · 22:48

I started my adult life with the belief that I needed to be a model employee in order to survive financially as a grown person. I believed that any deviation from this role would ruin my ability to get work and thus to have money to pay the bills.

And the fact is, I've always been very good at whatever work I do – meaning, the specific tasks. But I also have a little problem: I haven't otherwise been a model employee. I have had to quit jobs because staying was actually painful to me. I have talked back to authority figures on a regular basis, and refused unreasonable demands more often than not. And in one case, I was actually fired.

I'm coming to see a pretty interesting pattern in this movement of mine. The pattern goes something like this:

~I am drawn to work in places where there is deception just under the surface

~One way or another, I come into conflict with that deception and tell some truth as a result of the clash

~Things fall apart some time after I leave

At one level, I feel like damaged goods. I can see myself through the eyes of dominant culture and I know that I am not the perfect employee I believed I would have to be.

And although I have been able to get work even so, the reality is that when I am unemployed for even a day, the panic sets in. I observe myself feeling like I have dirty secrets that I hope no one learns about.

That's one part of me. But at another level, I genuinely like and approve of how I move in the world. I mean, I deeply deeply approve of this kind of movement. It speaks to me spiritually. And it doesn't require me to do or be or try anything special. It's just how things seem to go when I'm around.

I'm thinking now that it might be inevitable and maybe I should find a way to fully embrace it.

Michellebird

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Thursday June 14, 2012 · 10:05 PM PDT

2012/06/14 · 22:05

I. Years ago, I was in a new city and got introduced to a couple of colleagues-to-be during a “get to know everyone” tour of my pending new job. We talked for a bit about work matters, and then the discussion turned more personal. I was planning to move to this new city for the job and they were extending some hospitality to me while subtly feeling me out at the same time.

“So ...” said one of them. “Do you like ... line dancing? There's this place we go that has it on Friday nights, maybe you'd like to come sometime?”

Well, here's the thing. I most certainly do not like line dancing. I generally find it creepy. It looks to me like a bunch of humans simultaneously being remote-controlled by the same mildly evil puppet master.

But. Despite my ridiculously non-existent gaydar, I somehow immediately picked up that their question wasn't about line dancing at all, not really - but instead about them trying to figure out if I'm of the, um, Sapphic persuasion.

“Well, sure. I'm kind of uncoordinated, and I don't know that I would actually be able to line dance, but I would for sure be into going along anyway. What's the place like?”

And so they told me about The Lark. The local LGBT dive. Bar. Hangout. Whatever.

My fellow "line dancers" and others, please follow me below the fold

Michellebird for Baja Arizona Kos

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Wednesday February 08, 2012 · 1:58 PM PST

2012/02/08 · 13:58

I love Satirewire. I've loved it for years. Imagine my delight when my wife told me that they've put up a satire "transcript" of the Obama-Brewer tarmac encounter. Then she read it out loud to me. * snort *

An excerpt:

OBAMA: That was very thoughtful, Governorl! But I hear you keep [the sun] on 24 hours here, to search for illegals.
BREWER: Oh now Mr. President, you’re not worried about being caught, are you?

OBAMA: On the contrary, Governor, I’m worried all this sun will brown your skin. You might have to arrest yourself.

Read the entire funny piece here: TRANSCRIPT OF OBAMA-BREWER TARMAC TIFF RELEASED

Note (just have to say this): even with satire, I HATE the use of the word "illegal" as a noun. Hate it. It's dehumanizing.

Anyway, I think this piece is Teh Funny. I don't have a whole lot to add. Well - except that I'm very glad I am in California right now and not in Tucson. Sorry about that.

Enjoy!

Six people and a chihuahua – and a non-political Occupy cartoon

Michellebird

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Sunday December 11, 2011 · 12:29 PM PST

2011/12/11 · 12:29

My wife and I had a running joke about this little rural town-let where we recently moved. It's a pretty small place - the post office doesn't even recognize it; the official address is the nearest (but not really near) little city.

For convenience, let's just call this place Figtown. Close enough to the name, but not so close as to disturb the privacy of the chihuahua mentioned in the title.

Our running joke was that the place is so small it surely can't have an Occupy movement. So we wanted to come up with some sort of photograph that could make a visual joke about what Occupy Figtown would look like, given how small it is. One guy, maybe. Or perhaps that horse we keep seeing as we head down the road. Or one of the huge freaking millipedes who occasionally make their way into the house. Or our neighbor's dog, who we feel could use something constructive to do.

Anyway, as with many of our ideas, we had an animated discussion about it at dinner last month, came up with all sorts of ideas, then promptly moved on. (We're both Aquarians. It happens).

Imagine my surprise when my wife told me what she saw today at the gas station

(I know you want to read below the fold. I know you do)

Michellebird

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Sunday November 27, 2011 · 12:48 PM PST

2011/11/27 · 12:48

It's coming up on that time of year again, when well-meaning Christians may risk pulling a trapezoid muscle while vigorously patting themselves on the back for remembering to wish their Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah.

After all, Christmas is a very important Christian holiday. And since Christmas is so very important - why wouldn't there be a Jewish version of it?

The reality is that Hanukkah is one of the least important of the Jewish holidays. Sometimes when a well-intentioned Christian wishes me a Happy Hanukkah, I ask them why the didn't wish me a Happy Sukkot this past fall. The blank stare is always interesting.

The irony of the "Happy ~~Jewish Christmas~~ Hanukkah" syndrome is that Hanukkah itself celebrates a "miracle" associated with a time of Jewish resistance to assimilation. More below the fold...

Michellebird

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Tuesday November 01, 2011 · 4:44 PM PDT

2011/11/01 · 16:44

In the last 6 months, I've taken risks that people aren't supposed to take in this economy. I'm normally pretty risk-averse. So it's been an interesting ride so far.

Last spring, things got pretty ugly at my job. I won't go into specifics. I will say that in this economy, I know I'm supposed to just suck it up and be grateful that I had any job at all.

I quit. Now, part of me wanted to hang on to whatever security I could have. But my body would not allow it. When the day came that my body was so stressed out at work that I could not physically stand up without being on the verge of passing out, I knew I wasn't going to be able to butch through it. Quitting my job was painful and scary but it felt right at the deeper levels. Not immediately seeking another job was even scarier. But I couldn't bear the thought of making myself into an object for employers who, especially in this economy, have license to treat prospective workers like crap.

My wife and I decided to start a couple of small businesses. We have a couple of different sides of our skills and natures, so we started one Very Serious Business and another that allows for our less serious side to emerge.

One reason I'm posting this diary is to shamelessly draw attention to the less serious business. We started a satire site some time ago, just for fun. But we have since designed T-shirts that we've decided to sell through the site. And I'm thinking maybe with the holidays coming up, some people here might want to buy stuff like this, and would be into supporting a fellow Kossak in the process.

You can take a look here: Thatz Effed Up Store

As for the rest of our trajectory, it's still nowhere near done. It's still scary. It's also surprising. More under the fold.

Michellebird

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Thursday August 11, 2011 · 2:54 PM PDT

2011/08/11 · 14:54

I know someone whose mortgage loan is serviced by Bank of America and guaranteed by Fannie Mae.

For months and months, she has been going through various processes and jumping through all sorts of repetitive pointless hoops to try to get a loan modification or at least a temporary forbearance. More on the process in a moment, but I want to lead with this piece because it is so amazingly disgusting to me:

Today, Bank of America offered this mortgage holder a piece of deception so blatant that ... I don't even have words to describe it.

They offered her what they deceptively name a "three month forbearance" on the loan. The Bank of America agent explained to her, on the phone, what this thing they call a "forbearance" actually entails. Here are the details of this "offer":

- If she chooses to accept this "offer", they will send her account to collections immediately upon the account being past due - meaning, not paid DURING what they call forbearance - and she will then be hassled by debt collectors during the three months that she is in what Bank of American claims is a "forbearance."

- The money she does not pay for her mortgage during this time of supposed "forbearance" will be considered due during the three months of the forbearance AND will officially come even more due in a lump sum (somehow this is possible) at the end of the three months, along with various late fees.

- If she does not pay all the money from the three month "forbearance" plus late fees back immediately at the end of those three months (during which they will have already sent her account to collections anyway), plus pay her mortgage from there on out, they will initiate foreclosure proceedings right away.

This disgusting faux offer was delivered verbally, via telephone, today, by a Bank of America employee. This employee outlined the details above and wanted a decision immediately. The mortgage holder said she wanted to think about it, the employee told her she has 24 hours to let them know if she accepts the "offer" or not - which they want her to do verbally by phone. She has received nothing in writing.

I am at a loss here.

More below the fold.

Michellebird

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Tuesday June 14, 2011 · 1:31 AM PDT

2011/06/14 · 01:31

Note 6/17/11: if you've come to this piece through another site quoting me as an illustration of someone who is angry and/or frustrated on this topic, please be sure to read the update at the bottom of this diary.

Okay, it's late and I'm tired for all the right reasons. I come online to check some things and am reading a story I can't. quite. grasp.

So here's the thing: you probably know by now that "A Gay Girl In Damascus" was actually a heterosexual married guy from the United States named Tom MacMaster.

But now I read that the editor of the three-year-old lesbian news site Lez Get Real (the site where the "Gay Girl from Damascus" first got her start) has also been unmasked as a straight man named Bill Graber who was using his wife Paula Brooks' identity?

More below the fold (including 6/17/11 update)

Michellebird for LGBTQ Kos Community

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Wednesday June 08, 2011 · 5:00 PM PDT

2011/06/08 · 17:00

In this diary and in the comments, I want to discuss same-gender relationships as the messy and real things they are.

I hope we who live them can do this from the inside – meaning, from our varied perspectives and lived experiences.

I hope we can do this without focusing on or worrying about how heterosexual people might see or interpret or translate us.

Please follow me below the fold ...

Michellebird for Baja Arizona Kos

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Tuesday May 31, 2011 · 10:27 PM PDT

2011/05/31 · 22:27

I just joined Baja Arizona Kossacks at Azazello's very gracious invitation, which came up as I was reading the excellent news about the Russell Pearce recall effort (Good News from Arizona- Surprise!). I live in Tucson; I've been here for almost seven and a half years.

This post is my way of introducing myself and saying hello to everyone, expressing my gratitude that Baja Arizona Kossacks exists as a resource for information and community, and offering what little I have to offer to the group.

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The love of my entire world is dead

Grassroots struggles in AZ: What's happening, what resources are needed, and how can people help?

Can I accept the inevitable?

Requiem for The Lark

Satirewire "transcript" of Obama-Brewer tarmac tiff

Six people and a chihuahua – and a non-political Occupy cartoon

Hanukkah is Not the "Jewish Christmas"

Things people are not "supposed to do" in these times - but we're doing them

Bank of America offers a nasty blatant lie to one of its mortgage holders - I don't know how to help

Straight men pretending to be lesbians online - "A Gay Girl In Damascus" AND Lez Get Real editor?

LGBT Kos: Same-gender relationships are messy, real and not perfect

Greetings to Baja Arizona Kossacks – and a little evening satire