In the last 6 months, I've taken risks that people aren't supposed to take in this economy. I'm normally pretty risk-averse. So it's been an interesting ride so far.
Last spring, things got pretty ugly at my job. I won't go into specifics. I will say that in this economy, I know I'm supposed to just suck it up and be grateful that I had any job at all.
I quit. Now, part of me wanted to hang on to whatever security I could have. But my body would not allow it. When the day came that my body was so stressed out at work that I could not physically stand up without being on the verge of passing out, I knew I wasn't going to be able to butch through it. Quitting my job was painful and scary but it felt right at the deeper levels. Not immediately seeking another job was even scarier. But I couldn't bear the thought of making myself into an object for employers who, especially in this economy, have license to treat prospective workers like crap.
My wife and I decided to start a couple of small businesses. We have a couple of different sides of our skills and natures, so we started one Very Serious Business and another that allows for our less serious side to emerge.
One reason I'm posting this diary is to shamelessly draw attention to the less serious business. We started a satire site some time ago, just for fun. But we have since designed T-shirts that we've decided to sell through the site. And I'm thinking maybe with the holidays coming up, some people here might want to buy stuff like this, and would be into supporting a fellow Kossak in the process.
You can take a look here: Thatz Effed Up Store
As for the rest of our trajectory, it's still nowhere near done. It's still scary. It's also surprising. More under the fold.
A month or so after I quit my job and we were trying to figure out what to do, my wife realized that she could not stand living in Arizona. Granted, we were in Tucson and it's better there than anywhere else in the state. But things are just so politically ugly, the energy is terrible and it was wearing on her. And then when she articulated that for herself, I began to see that I too was being affected badly, but the feeling had become normal for me. Once it was de-normalized, I started to feel it too.
We decided to leave the state and return to a place with a much higher cost of living, a place that has always been the home of my heart. And now we're here.
We came here (the Santa Cruz/Monterey Bay area of California) knowing that by our standards and certainly compared to Tucson, the rental market here is insane in terms of cost. The original plan was to hold onto the rental in Tucson, travel here a few times and see if we could find a place, then give notice in Tucson and move out. The first visit was short., During the second, we were house sitting for a couple of weeks for friends of a friend.
Our friend challenged us during that visit. She asked us if we wanted to stay in Tucson. We said no. She asked us why we were holding onto the rental in Tucson if we needed to be here to find a place and start focusing on our work in earnest. Well, ummm .. security? I didn't want to be without a home I could count on. But she was right. We didn't want to be in Arizona. It was taking a huge toll on us to be there, physically, emotionally and spiritually. we decided we were going to give notice and pack our things into storage out here upon our return.
Then things got interesting. We didn't find a place to live here before we returned to Tucson to pack. But we did get an email from a lesbian listserve we were on about a two month house sitting possibility. So we decided to do that, went back and packed up our stuff, and came back here.
These last couple of months have been, wait for it - scary. Housing possibilities have been few and far between, especially given our specific needs. It was coming closer to the wire. But we found a place just as we heard back from our hosts that they're returning home. It was a stroke of - luck, I guess it could be called, though I wouldn't call it that at all. I will say that we're glad that our relatively conservative new landlords aren't homophobic, because we did run into some of that in our housing search. In any case - here we are, preparing to move into our new place.
The path in front of us now also seems pretty impossible. Starting and sustaining two small businesses in this economy seems in many ways foolhardy. But, I tell myself, so did moving out here like we did.
A year ago I would have said what has happened so far would be impossible. In fact, I still don't understand how and why it has been possible, especially in these times. I don't think we're special, I certainly don't believe this country is a meritocracy, and I don't believe in the New Age stuff about creating your own reality etc. But here it is.
I worry about the political implications of this story, as it is thus far. There is a need for serious system change in this country. People are hurting. We might end up hurting too.
But there's the other side: I was so tired of living in fear and feeling that I was "supposed to" hold onto security for security's sake even when it was taking a huge persistent toll on my body and mind and spirit. But then, that kind of harm is supposed to be normal. In fact, I was one of the lucky ones in some ways. I had a place to live and a secure, if part-time, job (with benefits) that made it possible to live there.
I can't say that what we're doing is correct. I can say it's what we're doing. I want to be clear that I don't think that this path of ours is somehow better than other peoples' paths. I also want to be clear that options came open for us that were at best unusual.
I will say that not being motivated by fear feels good to me. It's not that I don't feel fear - I certainly do. It's just that fear hasn't been running the decisions about where we're going to live or what we're going to do for money. Somehow, so far, it's worked for us in the first steps at least. We'll see where it goes from here.