This whole SCOTUS ruling that has determined corporations to be on the same par as living, breathing people, has gotten me to think. Which, in itself, is probably a good thing. Do corporations think? Do they have a soul? Some would say yes to the former, but a resounding no to the latter. Can they have relationships, get married, and have children, only to be served with divorce papers at some later point having been caught in some sort of scandal? Some might say they can in a metaphorical sense. But this isn't the real focus of my thinking. I wondered if some other animal-hood might have been more appropriate to bestow upon corporations.
Perhaps, they are more closely alike to the man-eating Great White Shark. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the killing machine as protrayed in the movies. Instead, it prefers to attack only that which acts like prey. You know, like underachieving businesses that are weakend by a bad economy. Once the shark inflicts its first devastating bite, the shark will usually back away and allow the animal to bleed to death before consuming it. This attack method uses the least amount of energy,contains the least risk of injury, and provides the greatest reward for the shark. Holy mackerel! This comparison is almost too easy to make.
Another animal that comes to mind is the Giant Anteater. This natural wonder appears to vacuum up thousands of tiny ants in one fell snort. Actually, that's a misconception, too. In reality, although they might seem like vacuum cleaners, collecting ants like crumbs with one big sniff of their predatory snout, it’s not quite that easy. To capture a meal, first these mammals use their large claws to rip open a company, er, colony, acting quickly because the tiny peons they’re consuming with their sticky tongues go down stinging and fighting the good, but futile, fight.
But it's not just eating habits that corporations share with some of our friends in the animal community. Let's examine the Black Widow Spider, considered the most venomous spider in North America. Performing sexual cannibalism, she eats her mate after he has given her what she wants: the ability to procreate more spiders. Nice. That's the fine how-do-you-do that makes this spider such a fetching and natural comparison to corporations. After supplying workers, buying goods for years, and giving CEOS large paychecks with bailout-bought bucks, begging them to stay like spurned lovers by offering them tax breaks and incentives, they dump us on our bewildered butts and take off for exotic lands. We might have been better off eaten. So, join with me if you want, in requesting Sharkhood, Anteaterhood, or Spiderhood for corporations. Anything but Personhood
