Dear Republicans,
I will confess that I generally believe that the best thing for the US would be for your party to disappear altogether -- to be so thoroughly crushed at the polls that they become irrelevant, maybe something like the United States Marijuana Party in terms of their influence. I have in fact been predicting this demise since 2004, and...maybe someday soon. It just gets very frustrating listening to you and yours and the crazy things you say, and at times bipartisanship seems an awful lot like a fool's errand.
But, with some reflection, I realize that we should be able to have reasonable discussions. I am willing to admit that some conservative ideas may have merit. Maybe sometimes we need less government. Is the Keystone XL Pipeline a good idea? I'm at least willing to discuss it. Maybe even charter schools.
The problem is, some of the things a lot of Republicans say and believe are just ludicrous, so irrational that no reasonable person is going to discuss them with you. I don't want to have a holocaust-denier type of discussion with you -- you understand that, right? Those people are very frustrating to listen to, because they just choose not to believe facts and evidence, which means they have no basis for their beliefs, but they will argue for them anyway. Logic just won't work with someone who chooses to dismiss overwhelming evidence while promoting speculative garbage. So we can't have that.
A few ground rules then. I have a relatively short (definitely not all-inclusive) list of issues for you to consider. Some members of the Republican Party have taken nonsensical positions on these issues. You're not like that, right? If you are, sorry, we can't have a productive discussion, because if we don't share a common ground of reason, logic, and evidence, we don't share any common ground at all.
So let's agree at least to these things:
•George Bush and members of his administration lied about WMD in the build-up to the Iraq War. They said they knew. They said there was no doubt. They didn't know. There was doubt. They lied. I know, it's tough to admit this, but you know they lied.
•The Swiftboating of John Kerry was an unpatriotic attack on a decorated soldier, and if Democrats had done anything remotely similar to a Republican, you would have screamed at the TV and called them traitors. Justifiably so.
•Your party's stance on gays is simply open bigotry.
•Although there is always a chance that global warming is not caused by human activity, the clear consensus of actual scientists with advanced degrees who study climate science for a living is that humans are causing global warming, and members of your party are denying the evidence in favor of politics, or maybe just because they hate Al Gore. And speaking of hating, it's really pathetic that some conservatives want to see the Chevy Volt fail, isn't it? You want to see an American car company suffer because their product is good for the planet? That's sad.
•Although there is always a (really tiny!) chance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, there has never been any reason to think that, and anyone who does or ever did believe that is just a ridiculous idiot.
•The Bush Administration inherited a balanced budget, then turned it into huge deficits, and never lifted a finger to do anything about them. Republicans left huge entrenched deficits for the Obama administration, then suddenly developed a great concern for fiscal responsibility on the day Barack Obama was inaugurated. And they blame President Obama for the mess they left behind. Come on, we all saw it happen.
•Health care is extremely expensive in this country, and millions of people are uninsured. Nearly every industrialized country has a much better, much fairer, much cheaper system than we do. Democrats tried to do something to fix this. Republicans never have, and they have in fact opposed any solution.
•Voter ID laws address an almost non-existent problem. (I am even willing to consider whether their true purpose is to disenfranchise Democrats, but barely.)
Also, let's agree on this: The following issues (and one chant) are of idiots, by idiots, and especially for idiots:
•The Ground Zero mosque
•President Obama is a Muslim
•President Obama was educated in a madrassa
•The stimulus didn't create any jobs
•President Obama is always apologizing for the US
•President Obama is going to brainwash our school children!
•Drill, baby, drill
•Death panels
•The whole Black Panther story
•Fox News is fair and balanced. (This is a pet peeve. Really, if you don't understand that Fox News is a relentlessly right-wing organization, I don't see how you have the brains to feed yourself.)
•The founders wanted the US to be a Christian nation
•Sarah Palin was qualified to be Vice-President, and by extension President of the United States. Ha ha, you guys screwed that one up so badly.
Now, Republican person, I have to tell you that rational, reasonably intelligent people are not going to debate the items above. They just won't. There's nothing to debate. But I'm feeling generous; everyone has their irrational beliefs, and there is always some room for interpretation, so I'll grant you two items out of the above, as long as one of them isn't President Obama's birthplace. If you will agree that all of the above are true, with at most two exceptions, and you're not a birther, then we can have a nice bipartisan discussion. More than two, or you are or ever were a birther, and I'm sorry, but I have grave doubts about your fitness as a discussion partner.
Now I only have two problems:
•First, my guess is that all of the Republicans nationwide who are still with me could fit in the local Super 8 Motel breakfast room.
•And second, if you agree with most or all of my points, why are you still a Republican? What the hell is wrong with you?
OK. If you're still on board somehow, let's talk.