What better way to honor the name of the county where he lives, and at the same time also set the stage for a Jurassic Business Park, than to keep carbon dioxide from being slandered by the Feds by proposing a law that prevents classification of carbon dioxide and the other “natural components of the atmosphere" as pollution including nitrogen, oxygen, and noble gases. The bill by Jerry Anderson (R-Price) clarifies the definition of “air contaminant” with this qualification:
"Air contaminant" does not mean the natural components of the atmosphere,
including nitrogen, oxygen, argon, and other noble gases, water vapor, steam, and carbon dioxide in amounts less than 500 parts per million, or any combination of them.
Not only is this great news for fans of carbon dioxide, but also neon (8 ppm), helium (5 ppm), methane (1.7 ppm), nitrous oxide (0.305 ppm), and ozone (0.1 ppm). On the other hand Anderson wants us to turn our attention to some truly troubling components of the air we breathe. We’ve got some serious problems here, viz.: Nitrogen (780,000 ppm), oxygen (210,000 ppm), water vapor (40,000 ppm), and argon (10,000 ppm). This will be great for new business, think of all the companies that will be spawned as we race to pump new and various gases into the atmosphere so that no gas will be found in amounts greater than 500 ppm.
Nevertheless the potential labeling of oxygen as a pollutant has one very large group of Utahans very angry, namely the cyanobacteria in the Great Salt Lake. It was they after all that came up with the idea of creating an atmosphere rich in oxygen some 2.8 billon years ago. They make an important point that resonates with Utah’s tourist industry: “If it weren’t for all that oxygen in the air Utah wouldn’t have any red rocks!”
Is 500 ppm of carbon dioxide the right threshold? Mr. Anderson cites his authority as a former science teacher. Who am I to question him, after all my degree is merely in medieval European literature? I spent all my time picking my way through arcane languages where I had to lookup every third word in order to understand what I was reading. I had no time for science. The only thing of worth that experience taught me was to look things up that I didn’t understand. I’m so glad we have someone such as Mr. Anderson who was able to master his area of study without having to waste time looking things up.
Anyway the dinosaurs thrived with CO2 at levels of 600 ppm, we are only just now topping 400 ppm. According to UCLA scientist Aradhna Tripati the last time the earth had sustained levels of CO2 at 400 ppm global temperatures were 5 to 10 degrees Fahrenheit higher than today, Greenland was really green, and the Antarctic ice cap was greatly reduced. Just think how green those frozen places will be when we reach the desired goal of 500 ppm. Of course it won’t happen overnight; it takes a while to raise the temperature of the entire globe and melt all that ice, but it’s worth waiting for; and for this reason alone: If we invest in mountain property on Greenland and Antarctica now when real estate is ice cheap, we’ll make a killing when the oceans rise and make land that much rarer. Tripati said that at sustained CO2 levels of 400 ppm sea levels were 75 to 120 feet higher than they are today.
There’s more: think of the opportunities for the tourism industry in Utah. All that sandstone that Utah is famous for was once desert sands at the time of the dinosaurs. Not just average desert sands, but a gigantic ocean of wind-blown sand and sand dunes called an erg. Right now if you or I wanted to visit an erg, we’d have to travel to some dangerous, disgusting foreign land like Mexico, northern Africa, the Skeleton Coast, Mongolia, or China.
Not only does this Anderson guy know his science, he knows the potential for commercial development as well. But frankly I’m not sure we really need to put nitrous oxide on a par with the noble gases. With Republicans such as Mr. Anderson to keep us happy who needs laughing gas? But wait a minute! In rereading the change to the law that he proposes, it seems that that won’t be a problem. The key is in the last four words: “or any combination of them”. So as long as any combination of the “natural” gases exceeds 500 ppm, then they can be deemed pollutants. OK, I’m combining nitrous oxide with water vapor—that’s an ugly, polluting combination and something has to be done about it before it’s too late. Wow, that guy even has a genius way with the English language. It’s too bad that asteroid hit Mexico and caused the climate to change wiping out the dinosaurs. Having real, live dinosaurs in Jerry Anderson’s new Jurassic Business Park would sure be a feather in his cap. But he’s a modest guy, he wouldn’t claim the credit for himself, he’d call it Moroni’s doing.
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