The American Taliban (reminder: Markos's book is available soon!) strike yet again:
The Parents Television Council is ramping up its campaign against the CBS sitcom "$#*! My Dad Says," sending letters to 300 advertisers.
The PTC is urging marketers to not sponsor the show "unless they wish to associate their hard-earned brands with excrement."
. . . CBS has said that the content of the show, which will air at 8:30 p.m. Thursdays in the fall, will not be profane in any way.
"The program is inspired by the wildly popular Twitter phenomenon, which now has more than 1.5 million followers and has spawned a best-selling book of the same name," the network said Monday. "It will in no way be indecent and will adhere to all CBS standards."
But Winter's objection to the title remains.
"The premise of the show offers potential for good entertainment," Winter said. "The question is why CBS feels the need to shove harsh profanity into the faces of Americans through the program's title. Their reliance on symbols as a veil is feeble at best. Beyond a port-a-potty, a laxative or a roll of toilet paper, most corporations don't want their customers to associate their products or services with excrement."
Now, the PTC does note that "the premise of the show" -- described by Gawker as "based on the ramblings of an old man, filtered by his son, on Twitter" -- "offers potential for good entertainment." And indeed, old-man-ramblings do sound like music (Lawrence Welk!) to the ears of those who fund the PTC. So how'd CBS end up on the Council's $#*! list?
(You are LOOKING LIVE at the Parents Television Council HQ bunker)
CHIEF MULLAH OF THE PTC: So, the fall shows are coming out. What filth are the coastal homoelitists shoving down our throats like so many hard, veiny, throbbi-- er, what's there for us to bitch about this year?
SUBADJUTANT SUBMULLAH: Well, sir, CBS has this one with William Shatner-
CM: Jew.
SS: Sir?
CM: Canadian Jew.
SS: Er, yes. Um. So Shatner plays a crotchety old working-class-
CM: This isn't some pinko union bullshit, is it? Fucking Canadians, with their health care.
SS: Actually, no, sir. It's not. He's a grumpy old white man who complains about the state of modern society.
CM: Really?
SS: Yeah! He's always tweaking his libertine son about his shallow lifestyle.
CM: Damn, we could get behind this! It's about time someone let the 80% of Americans who are bitter old white guys have their say. Any homobashing or barefoot, subservient women in this shit?
SS: My press kit doesn't really get into that, sir.
CM: Well, we can hope. Is the son gay?
SS: Again, sir, I just don't know.
CM: Dammit, he better be, if the old man is unloading on him. Christ, we haven't had a really sympathetic, patriotic character on CBS since Archie Bunker, and that heeb Lear was always letting that commie-symp slob Reiner get the best of him.
SS: What about Major Dad, sir?
CM: (bites lip) What did you say?
SS: Major Dad?
CM: Aaaahhh . . . oh God, no!
SS: Sir?
CM: Jesus, how'd you know that's what the twinks at the Manhole call me? Has Julio been talking?
SS: Wha . . .
CM: (lip bleeding) Look, it was research, kid. I've got the receipts.
SS: . . .
CM: . . .
CM: (mops blood from lip) Er, what? Major Dad? What's that?
SS: Oh. . . um . . . right! Major Dad! Gerard McRaney, sir. You remember him from the Dobson prayer breakfast at the 2004 Convention, I'm sure. Anyway, he starred in a great CBS program called "Major Dad," all about faith, country, and family, in the mid-90s. Really uplifting stuff.
CM: Never saw it. Who the fuck watched CBS then? Jesus, you wanna talk about programming disasters. I mean, "Becker?" That crap ran for like 9 years, and I'm pretty sure no one ever actually sat through an entire episode.
SS: I'm sure you're right, sir.
CM: Damn straight I am. I'd like the meet the fucking cokehead Tartikoff wannabe who thought Ted Danson could carry a sitcom by himself.
SS: Um, yes. Anyway, this Shatner show is called "$#*! My Dad Says," and-
CM: Shit My Dad Says! Holy fuck, that's an outrage!
SS: Well, sir, it's actually a collection of symbols, not the word "shit."
CM: Like I give a flying fuck. We've got our angle! Subadjutant, prepare the Outragemobile!
(Exeunt)