March for Our Lives Event Map Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Only Hires the Best People Edition
“It just came out that Trump’s Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months.”
---Jimmy Fallon
“I think the problem is that the words that were coming out of my mouth were bad, and that’s because they came from my brain. … Look, I may not be very good on-camera, but behind the scenes my ideas are much worse.”
---Betsy DeVos (Kate McKinnon) re: her 60 Minutes segment, on SNL
“The White House: rated #1 by Subpoena magazine.”
---John Oliver
“It was reported that special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump organization. By the way, ‘Trump organization’ is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history.”
---Colin Jost, SNL
“President Trump is now being sued by a porn star, a reality star, and a Playboy model. Or as Trump's evangelical supporters call that: The Holy Trinity."
---Conan O’Brien
And one year ago...
“Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump.”
---Seth Meyers
I can feel a pivot coming. Any day now!
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 23, 2018
Note: NOBODY CONGRATULATES ANYBODY ANYMORE UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til “Play ball!”: 6
Days 'til the Oakdale Testicle Festival in California: 3
Number of presidents whose approval rating at the 14-month mark has been lower than Trump’s (42%) since polling began in 1946, according to the latest NBC News-Wall Street Journal poll: 0
Percent of children who drew a picture of a scientist as a female in a recent study, up from less than 1 percent pre-1980: 28%
Number of Republicans who voted for Nazi Arthur Jones in his unopposed Illinois’ 3rd District primary Tuesday: 20,000
Percent of U.S. households that subscribe to at least one digital video streaming service in 2009 and 2017, respectively, according to The L.A. Times: 10%, 55%
Percent chance that former French president Nicolas Sarkozy was arrested this week for allegedly taking illegal money from the regime of the late Moammar Gadhafi: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy National Puppy Day
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CHEERS to hoofin’ it. Really, kids? That’s it? The best you could do was 500 600 700 800 840 March for Our Lives rallies??? Seriously? That’s less than one rally in each of our 900 states! (Source: Betsy DeVos.) At 840 marches, you’ll only be able to attract crowds in the tens of millions instead of the billions that attended Trump’s inauguration. (Source: Sean Spicer.) Well, even though it’s already clearly a bust (Source: Fox News), Michael and I will be out in the streets of Portland, Maine with our “Pray Away the NRA” signs and following the students’ lead. And what is this all about? It’s about putting a rhetorical hot soldering iron on the hineys of zombiefied Republicans in the hopes they might snap out of their NRA-brainwashed stupor long enough to pass some bills that will stop the revolving door of mass shootings in America. Some stunning numbers here via Vanity Fair:
Demand Action for Gun Sense in America founder Shannon Watts…told V.F that the Parkland shooting, was, in a way, “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” and that the support on social media and beyond proves it.
According to Watts, in the five weeks since the Parkland shooting, her organization has welcomed over 1.2 million new members and 135,000 new volunteers.
In addition, they have started Students Demand Action, which now boasts 13,000 volunteers. But what really matters, she said, is that people leave the march Saturday and keep their activism up all the way through the 2018 primaries this November.
Find your closest march here. And USA Today has published a what-to-expect guide for first-time protesters here. If you’ll be part of the action, remember: wear sproingy shoes, pellchek your sines, make a joyful noise, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
CHEERS to Plan B. President Trump fired his second national security adviser in 14 months yesterday, and replaced him with the guy who stopped the recount in Florida in 2000 and then proceeded to cheerlead for the most disastrous foreign-policy decision (the Iraq war over non-existent WMDs) in U.S. history. Fortunately, C&J’s rapid response team was ready for this. The guy Trump hired is now safely lashed to the furnace in our basement with a tennis ball in his mouth, and on April 9th this is the guy we contracted to show up for work, his first words being: “I know you hate mustaches, Mr. President, so I shaved mine off.” It will be the greatest and most consequential gig of his life:
If everyone plays along (remember: you hate this guy, grrr, he’s such a warmonger, boo hiss), we might just make it to 2020 alive.
CHEERS to signin' significant stuff. Eight years ago today, one letter at a time, President Barack Obama signed his name to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, making it the law of the land and fulfilling a promise he coincidentally made 11 years ago this week:
[W]e recognize that every four years we hear somebody’s got a health care plan.
Every four years, somebody trots out a white paper---they post it on the web. But the question we have to challenge ourselves: Do we have the political will and the sense of urgency to actually get it done? I want to be held accountable for getting it done.
I will judge my first term as president based on the fact on whether we have delivered the kind of health care that every American deserves and that our system can afford.
The poor law's been so battered and bruised over the last eight years that ya hope to god it has an Obamacare gold plan sealed in a titanium shell. But, by god, it's still working. And speaking as an individual who got insurance through the healthcare.gov exchange, it's working fine for me judging by my two most-important metrics: I'm still alive, and in June I'm breaking ground on my new summer cottage made out of free tongue depressors.
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation's annual Earth Hour:
On Saturday 24 March 8:30 p.m. local time, skylines around the world will go dark as millions celebrate WWF’s Earth Hour to spark global awareness and action on nature and the environment.
From the Eiffel Tower to the Empire State Building, and the Bird’s Nest stadium to Burj Khalifa, thousands of landmarks will switch off their lights in solidarity for the planet, urging individuals, businesses and governments worldwide to move forward the conversations and solutions we need to build a healthy, sustainable future for all.
In 2018, French Polynesia is expected to move to protect 5 million square kilometers of its seas to preserve ocean ecosystems. In Kenya, school children will plant 500,000 trees to help reduce deforestation and in Hong Kong and the UK, people will pledge to shift toward sustainable living. In Colombia, people will call for the country to commit to zero deforestation by 2020. In China and Singapore, WWF will mobilize public support for plastic-free lifestyles.
Give it a try! You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, join the rest of the planet in a good cause, and as a special bonus you'll experience what happens inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
CHEERS to walkin' the walk. On Sunday’s date in 1965---a few weeks after "Bloody Sunday" during which police set upon peaceful civil rights marchers with fire hoses, clubs and dogs---Martin Luther King, Jr. led thousands of marchers to the State Capitol in Montgomery for a rally (that's Congressman John Lewis second from the left):
The marchers got three things out of it: Lyndon Johnson's signing of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, a permanent place in civil rights history and, much less publicized, aching bunions.
CHEERS to Sergeant Rubberbutt. On March 23, 1944, RAF Sgt. Nickolas Alkemade survived a jump from his Lancaster bomber from 18,000 feet without a parachute. Other than some cuts and a twisted knee, he was fine. The Nazi he landed on? Not so fine.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. Start with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow, who will have plenty of Friday news dumping to sift through. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Hayes, along with New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu, intel expert Malcolm Nance, and former EPA director Gina McCarthy.
New home video releases include the unexpected smash-hit reboot of Jumanji,and Pitch Perfect 3. Needless to say, cable news coverage of the March for Our Lives events will be a sight to behold Saturday afternoon. (Have a hanky nearby---you’ll need it.) NCAA hoops continue with the women’s brackets here and, even though they’re far less talented, we’ll perfunctorily put the men’s bracket here I guess if we have to. The NBA schedule is here and the hockey schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 8, NBC airs what looks like a great documentary called Hope & Fury: MLK, the Movement and the Media. Porn comes to CBS Sunday evening as 60 Minutes finally airs the Stormy Daniels interview. And the week wraps up with the season premiere of Silicon Valley on HBO, followed by new LGBT bunny ally John Oliver on Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA); Congresswoman Nanette Barragan (D-CA). Oh, and of course, Gov. John Kasich (R-OH) makes yet another appearance because Jake Tapper loves the smell of his cologne or something.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Half a dozen Stoneman Douglas H.S. students; Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Joni Ernst (R-IA);
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School students Cameron Kasky and Delaney Tarr speak about the March for Our Lives. Then, to muck it all up, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin says lies.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 23, 2008
CHEERS to the voice of the people. Last weekend Dick Cheney reacted to the fact that two-thirds of Americans don’t think the Iraq war is (or was) worth fighting with a flippant, "So?" Well, it turns out that over 80 percent of Americans have a message for Cheney: "Go fuck yourself, it's our country." Cheney issued a brief statement in response: "So?" [Sigh] 301 days to go, kids. 301 long f*cking days.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Friday night fun wipey happy time! Time to play another round of a game I created eight years ago this week…you'll love it! I call it "President...or Hand Towel?" The rules are simple: just watch the 40-second clip below and then decide whether Bill Clinton is a president…or a hand towel:
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If you guessed president and hand towel, you win an extra helping of disgust at George W. Bush. Lucky you.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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