From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Hell That Trump Has Made My Life
He and his cabal of congressional traitors have brought this country to the brink of becoming so horrible that this how I hear conversations now:
“Hi, November 6th!”
“Hi! How was your weekend?”
“It was great. We drove down to November 6th, had dinner at November 6th and then saw November 6th in concert.”
“You still drivin’ that November 6th?”
“Yeah. We had to replace the November 6th on it but otherwise it runs great. Hey, did your November 6th get that job at November 6th?”
“Yeah, and she loves it. She’s working for a great November 6th, she’s earning more November 6ths, and the benefits include full November 6th and November 6th.”
”Glad to hear it! Hey, I’ve got a meeting down at the November 6th. But great seeing you, November 6th. We should get together for November 6th sometime.”
”Great idea. We can meet down at the November 6th on November 6th Street.”
”Give my regards to Mrs. November 6th.”
”Will do!”
My therapist says that with enough time and hypnosis, I’ll be back to my old November 6th again.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [November 6th!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 16, 2018
Note: Today is National Rum Day. Since it must be 5 o'clock somewhere on earth already (or certainly at the Space Station), the C&J Tiki hut is already open and dispensing a tasty assortment of complimentary Daiquiris, Mojitos, Mai Tais, Dark & Stormys, Hurricanes, Blue Hawaiis, Cuba Libres, Zombies, Bumbos, Coquitos, and, of course, Orange Whips. Do stop by and say hi. I'll be over in the corner making outrageous and slurred accusations at a lamp.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the primary elections in Arizona and Florida: 12
Days 'til the New York State Fair in Syracuse: 6
Years since prices for U.S. farm exports have dropped as much as they did in July, as a result of the trade war with China, according to the Labor Department: 6
Number of the 10 candidates endorsed by Joe Biden who went on to win their primaries, according to FiveThirtyEight: 10
Months 'til the Parker Solar Probe flies through the edges of the sun's corona: 3
Total number of close approaches to the sun the probe will make over the next seven years: 24
Percent chance that a chunk of the famous "Whitechapel fatberg" is now on permanent display at the Museum of London, complete with live cam: 100%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
A recent Ku Klux Klan rally in Austin produced an eccentric counter- demonstration.
When the fifty Klansmen appeared (they were bused in from Waco) in front of the state capitol, they were greeted by five thousand locals who had turned out for a “Moon the Klan” rally. Citizens dropped trou both singly and in groups, occasionally producing a splendid wave effect.
It was a swell do.
---June, 1993
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to deliberation time. After the defense rested Tuesday without calling any witnesses, closing arguments were presented yesterday in the criminal trial of Donald Trump's campaign manager and "only friend I can talk to, I mean really talk to" Paul Manafort. The prosecution methodically guided the jury ("made up of men and women," and thank you for that astute observation, Andrea Mitchell) through the two-ton paper trail of damning evidence that all but screamed I'M BREAKING THE LAW AS HARD AS I CAN on it. Then it was the defense's turn, and I have to say I did not see this coming:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!
Why would a Wookiee---an 8-foot-tall Wookiee want to live on Endor, with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember,when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense!
If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests."
Cue the montage of clocks swirling forward as the jury deliberates. And if you need some extra beads of anxiety sweat, they're 50 percent off in the C&J gift shop. [Caution: Contains mystery chemicals from China. Keep away from open flame and bare skin.]
CHEERS and JEERS to political conundrums. While primary results were being tallied and announced Tuesday night, a contest from the previous week was finally decided. In the Republican governor’s primary, Kansas Governor Jeff Colyer conceded to Kris Kobach, the current state's current Secretary of State so corrupt and unhinged that even many Republicans can't stand him. The downside: if Kobach wins, he'll be Sam Brownback on steroids and have a big hand in redrawing district maps. The upside: Democratic candidate Laura Kelly has a much better shot of prevailing in November. This graphic from The Rachel Maddow Show says it all:
That's an 11-point swing that actually puts Kelly over Kobach by a point. Of course there has to be a stupid left-center independent spoiler in the race to suck up north of ten percent. But we're working on that. As soon as we figure out his shoe size, we can order the cement.
JEERS to exiting too soon. On August 16, 1977, while sitting on his golden throne, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart ran out of steam and he died at 3:30 p.m. He was supposed to kick off a concert tour in Portland, Maine the next day, but those tickets went forever un-ripped:
Of course, this date has special significance for gaffe watchers: during a stop in South Carolina a few years back, presidential candidate (Snort!) Michele Bachmann urged a campaign crowd---all six of them---to join her in wishing The King happy birthday. Someone in the crowd yelled out the truth but she ignored it, of course, since facts are pesky things. Anyway, pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects here, darlin'. Thankyuhvrrrmuch.
CHEERS to today's edition of FINALLY!!! Courtesy of NPR:
Puerto Rico's sole provider of electricity for 1.5 million residents says power has been returned to all homes that lost electricity from Hurricane Maria last September.
Puerto Rico Electric Power Authority identified a family near the mountainous, rural barrios of Real and Anón, in Ponce, a city and municipality in the island's south, as their final customers to receive returned power. PREPA tweeted their image.
This has been today's edition of FINALLY!!!
CHEERS to the continuing adventures of the nincompoopiest Nazi in the Naziville. When last we heard from American neo-Nazi Jason Kessler, he was drowning in a sea of boos from counter protesters during the "Unite the Right 2" rally in D.C., but not before whining that organizing the rally, which drew a whopping 24 people, was “too complicated for me to deal with." Now the mockery continues as Unterbuttheadfuhrer Kessler gets busted for plotting his movement's path to world domination from his dad's bedroom. And there to do the busting is dear old dad himself. How embarrassing:
Anyone know what Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito's schedules look like these days? I've got an idea for a new hit movie: Throw Papa from the Hindenberg.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 120 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." Followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Hurl Bucket."
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 16, 2008
JEERS to crowding out our critters. The Endangered Species Act---passed by that liberal hack Richard Nixon---may be in trouble thanks to that conservative (but not conservationist) hack George W. Bush. How?
[B]y proposing changes that would allow federal agencies to decide for themselves whether subdivisions, dams, highways and other projects have the potential to harm endangered animals and plants. The proposal, first reported by The Associated Press, would cut out the advice of government scientists who have been weighing in on such decisions for 35 years. Agencies also could not consider a project's contribution to global warming in their analysis.
Meanwhile, Interior Secretary Dirk "Diggler" Kempthorne said that "It is important to use our time and resources to protect the most vulnerable species." After which he announced that construction had begun on a sanctuary for congressional Republicans.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to crack for headline writers. The #1 movie at the box office last weekend was a giant shark popcorn flick called “The Meg,” which is short for “Megalodon.” And---surprise---the media had a field day with the clichés when the receipts were counted on its opening weekend:
• 'The Meg' Swimming Toward $90M Offshore Opening Weekend
• 'The Meg' takes big bite out of weekend box office
• 'The Meg' reels in $44 million debut
• 'The Meg' devours North America
• 'The Meg' devours its competition
• 'The Meg' munches on moviegoers
• 'The Meg' eats its way to the top
• 'The Meg' feasts at box office
• 'The Meg' chews off monster debut
• 'The Meg chomps $44.5 million
• 'The Meg' makes a splash
Not quite Sticks Nix Hick Pix caliber. But 'A' for effort.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers is the literary equivalent of day-old sushi.”
---Stephen Colbert
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