“This is an orientation day, and I’m getting orientated,” Romney told MSNBC during a brief hallway interview, noting that he’d met with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky. He brushed aside a question about whether acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker should recuse himself from supervising special counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation because of his previous comments about the probe.
— Salt Lake Tribune
Hello, human diary! It is I, Mitt Romney, and I am currently being orientated.
Many things have happened since I last inserted words in you. I did not become president. I alerted the nation that the next Republican nominee for the position was, in fact, an idiot. I met with that idiot to discuss a possible cabinet position. But it was not to be, and so I spent some time recuperating before deciding to become a United States Senator.
This turned out to be a straightforward process, consisting mainly of filing the appropriate paperwork. Also, I am from Utah now.
Today's modern campaigning is quite different from the campaigning I am accustomed to. My staff informed me that there was no need to meet with voters or engage in vehicular tours of their towns and villages. There was little need for interviews or for engaging in banter with employees of the press. The nation has evidentially been subjected to considerable corporate restructuring in the last few years, but this new style is considerably more efficient.
Most of my time has instead been devoted to removing my prior opinions. This has been the most surprising requirement of modern party campaigning, and one that I presumed would be the most difficult. On the contrary, it was simple and quite refreshing! The current Republican president is no longer an idiot or a danger to the nation. Health care is a good thing in principle, but I have no further opinions on whether current systems should be kept or altered. The dictionary defines immigration as a noun.
In addition to streamlining the campaign process, this new system means I have had to do no noteworthy preparation for my new Senate position. After being orientated, I met briefly with my prior underling Paul, last name not recalled, and proposed to him that perhaps a further efficiency would be for myself and my colleagues to simply vote present in future opinion-stating sessions, thus neutralizing efforts to extract opinions from us. He was skeptical of the idea, but noted he was retiring and would therefore "see us all in hell."
While underling Paul was unhelpful, I believe I have found a more useful mentor in a man named Jeff. Jeff and I were able to discuss many things over a plate of mayonnaise sandwiches. His own approach, he offered, was to continue to have opinions but to then have different opinions afterwards, thus satisfying opinion-havers on all sides. I am not fully convinced; this appears to be at least twice the work of having an opinion to begin with, which would seem an egregious waste of resources. Jeff too says he will be leaving office momentarily, but, unlike Paul, he offered no forwarding address.