From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
”Deploy the Butt Kissers!”
You’re waiting for the hearings to start. I’m waiting for the hearings to start. We’re all waiting for the cockadoodie hearings to start. As the minutes drag on toward 10am, here’s an idea for your holiday gift shopping...
Cool. We just chewed up a whole minute and thirty-six seconds.
Anyone here play Euchre?
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Note: Today is Wednesday the 13th. Unless your name is Donald Trump, you don’t have a thing to worry about.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 40
Days 'til the Crystal Coast Oyster Festival in Morehead City, North Carolina: 17
Approval and disapproval rating of Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards, whose re-election election is this Saturday, according to Mason-Dixon polling: 54%, 38%
Current lead of Bel Edwards over his batshit crazy Republican challenger in the same poll: 2 points (48%-46%)
Percent of Maine Democrats surveyed who support Biden, Warren and Sanders, respectively, in the latest Beacon-Maine People's Resource Center poll: 27%, 22%, 15%
Number of Republican members of the House who have left for various reasons (retired/defeated) since Trump was sworn in: 101
Estimated sales from the Alibaba "Singles Day" buy-a-thon, surpassing last year's $31 billion: $38.3 billion
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 4 wild weather events and 1 evangelist speaking in tongues in the shower). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Georgetown University gets a new mascot…
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CHEERS to Boom!!! Part I. You can almost hear the ghosts of Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton* turning in their graves this morning as the House Impeachment Committee sets out the water bottles and goes through the mic tests in anticipation of this morning's testimony against President Donald J. Trump, patriarch of the Trump crime syndicate. The high crimes and/or misdemeanors for which he's being investigated: withholding congressionally-approved military aid for Ukraine until that country forked over dirt on (innocent) political rival Joe Biden…aka extortion, bribery, jeopardizing national security and, for defying subpoenas, you can throw in obstruction of justice. Here's what's on tap starting at 10am:
William Taylor, the top diplomat in Ukraine, told investigators that he learned shortly after he was tapped for his post that there was a parallel foreign policy channel set up that he believed undermined U.S. national security interests.
George Kent, the deputy assistant secretary of state for European and Eurasian affairs, described how Rudy Giuliani, the president's personal lawyer, went against the traditional bipartisan approach regarding U.S. support for Ukraine in an effort to push for political investigations.
Usually, lawmakers get five minutes of questions each. In these hearings, though, Chairman Schiff and ranking member Devin Nunes, R-Calif., will have opportunities for expanded questioning of equal time, up to 45 minutes each. They can also yield that time to a designated committee staff lawyer. After the longer period of questioning, the committee will go back to the shorter rounds with other members.
Remember, impeachment is a grave matter, requiring seriousness and solemnity on everyone's part. So, please: hoot 'n holler, guzzle beer, and throw popcorn at your TV screen respectfully.
* To refresh your memory, the real Bill Clinton was murdered by Newt Gingrich and replaced with a perfect trained-assassin copy, who then went on a decades-long murder spree that continues to this day, the most recent victim being—[Checks notes]—Grumpy Cat.
CHEERS to Boom!!! Part II. And in other vise-closing-on-POTUS's-nutsack news, those elusive Trump tax returns—the ones so riddled with fraud and corruption that they'll force open up a whole new round of impeachment, if not criminal, proceedings—are a big step closer to making their debut under the spotlight. A three-judge panel lobbed razor-sharp bone spurs at the notion that the president can claim immunity and ignore a subpoena by a grand jury. So now the ruling gets kicked up (just like a second, separate ruling did) to the Supreme Court:
In legal-ese, what the judges are saying is that while it is Justice Department policy that a sitting President cannot be indicted, that does not hold for a subpoena directed at the accounting firm—in this case, Mazars USA—to produce eight years of Trump’s tax records.
That’s the same point that US District Judge Victor Marrero made earlier this year when he dismissed Trump’s claim of presidential immunity as an attempt to create “absolute immunity from criminal process of any kind.”
Add those two rulings up and it becomes quite clear that Trump’s attempts to keep his tax returns from even semi-public view are more imperiled today than at any time since he became a candidate for president.
Can't wait to see the look on Trump’s face when the Supremes vote against him and he's told he can’t appeal their ruling to "The Supreme Putin."
CHEERS to Boom!!! Part III. In yet another sign that domestic terrorism promoter The NRA and their clients the gunmakers are losing their grip, the Supreme Court kept the light glowing green this week for a lawsuit against Remington that challenges its grotesque marketing efforts to put more weapons of war in the hands of the general public:
The family members of nine people slain and one survivor of the Sandy Hook massacre filed the lawsuit in 2014.
Remington was backed in the case by a number of gun rights groups and lobbying organizations including the powerful National Rifle Association, which is closely aligned with Republicans including President Donald Trump. […]
The United States has experienced a succession of mass shootings in recent decades, including several that have staggered the public such as the 2017 attack at a Las Vegas concert that killed 58 and one at a nightclub in Orlando in 2016 that killed 49. Assault-type rifles have been a recurring feature in many of the massacres.
According to the NRA, the lawsuit could put Remington out of business. Golly, they say that like it's a bad thing.
JEERS to stupid damn wars. On this date in 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial—a vee shape which points at the State Department—was dedicated. Our suggestion for the shape of the future Iraq War Memorial: a "W" on a spindle that points accusingly in the direction of wherever George W. Bush is at any given moment.
CHEERS to the Energizer ex-POTUS. That darn Jimmy Carter is behaving so incorrigibly lately. He slips, he falls, he breaks bones, he cuts himself, all while teaching Sunday school, building Habitat for Humanity houses, trout fishing, turkey hunting, and furiously working back channels to keep the planet from devolving into total chaos. What a 95-year-old attention hog! And now he's gone and done it again, having surgery to "relieve pressure on his brain" so he can goof off in a hospital bed snarfing up free food as he's surrounded by fresh-cut flowers and thousands of get-well cards. Harumph, I say. This is intolerable:
"There are no complications from the surgery," the center said. It added that Carter will stay in the hospital for observation "for as long as advisable" by his doctors. […]
The fact that doctors waited overnight before doing surgery suggests that the bleeding in Carter's brain was slow and that it probably began after one of several falls he's taken in the past few weeks.
His recovery team says he won’t be lifting Buicks out in the parking lot anytime soon. He'll just have to settle for biceps curls using grandmas on gurneys.
CHEERS to the Gandalf the Grey of Bloggerland. Happy anniversary to one of the longest-running blogs on the internet: Josh Marshall's Polk Award-winning Talking Points Memo, which turns 19 today.
You can re-live the birth of this progressive supernova in his early posts during the Florida 2000 recount, although it might cause your blood pressure to spike, especially given how Republicans are still stealing elections down there. Josh provided the blueprint for how to do political blogging. His now-supersized crew and expanded site continue providing no-frills original reporting with just enough analysis (essential perspective in the age of Trump) and snark to help us make sense of politics, and nothing the righty blogs offer comes close to TPM's objectivity, accuracy and speed. During election seasons TPM is a daily must-click destination, and it's been great seeing the site buck the “blogging is just a fad” naysayers for 19 trips around the sun. Of course, they're no Great Orange Satan...but then again, no one's perfect.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 13, 2009
CHEERS to beating a hasty retreat. Well, that was fast. After lasting a mere 29 years, Lou Dobbs is hanging up his cosmetics kit ("He looks so lifelike!") and saying farewell to CNN. In the end, we believe, 'twas bigotry that killed the brute, and he'd become too much of a liability to the network. We expect he'll plop himself in a lawn chair on the border and spend his remaining days as an immigrant-busting Minuteman...binoculars in one hand, Taser in the other, two-way radio in one foot, bottle 'o Jack Daniels in the other. Unless Fox calls and offers him a slot, in which case: Welcome to Crazytown, Dobbie! [11/13/19 Update: (Sigh) Welcome to Crazytown, Dobbie. Or should we call you De Facto Mr. President?]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to early-morning bedtime stories. [Opens book, adjusts reading glasses] Ahem...
Once upon a time, a group of southern California Nazis attended an event headlined by Donald Trump, Jr., son of their #1 hero (after Der Fuhrer), Donald Trump, Sr., so they could ask him many deep and manly questions about the Fourth Reich and which arm the armband goes on and how do you form an oompah band and stuff like that. Up on the stage sat Don Jr., looking all dapper and refreshed in comfortable Haggar slacks and spiffy blazer after a morning of manly manicuring and musky moisturizing. He was ready and eager to meet his biggest fans and talk about his new book, Triggered: How I Convinced Conservative Groups To Buy My Ghost-Written Book In Bulk So It Would Artificially Become A Bestseller And Own The Libs.
But hold the phone! The esteemed author didn’t want to answer the Nazis' questions because he knew they'd be all "Nazi this" and "Nazi that" and "When do we get OUR Nuremburg rally?" So the Nazis rose up from their seats made of the finest plastic and started heckling the son. "Boooo!" they shouted. "You suck!" they hissed. And, golly, they raised all kinds of a fuss. The moderator tried to calm things down diplomatically by screaming, “You’re not making your parents proud by being rude and disruptive!!!” For reasons that remain unexplained, this failed.
And what happened next shocked everyone: the crowd triggered the triggerer. Don, Jr. froze. He broke out in a sweat. His heartbeat shot up to a hundred and eighty. The crowd’s faces became a blur. His sturdy equilibrium was replaced by dizziness. And right then and there, the triggered son got up and ran from the event as fast as he could. Run, Don, Jr., run! Back to the safety of your palaces and your penthouses! Back to the cozy protective cocoon of your Nancy & Sluggo blankie. Pop those Xanax! Pop! Pop! Pop!
And as the self-owning event devolved into carnage and chaos, they say, the grins on the libturds faces grew three sizes that day.
THE END
Just send my Nobel Prize for Literature to the usual address.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
After 99-Year-old Expresses Wish to Meet Bill in Portland Maine, Her Entire Nursing Home is Delighted By a Surprise Visit
—Good News Network
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