This is from a routine the late, great Texas comedian Bill Hicks did in London. I have "corrected" any bad words. He had a real beef with Bush Sr. and Iraq. Eerily, what he was saying 10 years ago could just as well have been today:
Every time I'm here (in London) something weird happens. This time Bush lost. Cool.
People ask me where I stood politically you know. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. Yeah, I'm a little a little to the left there, I was. I was leaning that way.
More below the fold...
Frightening people man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, "We still live in a dangerous world."
Thanks to you, you farker! What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!
I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the farking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries then we go and blow the crap out of em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane... Throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet:
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun".
"Mister, I don't want no trouble huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble mister."
"Pick up the gun."
Boom bom
You all saw him. He had a gun."
They're arming the farking world man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out:
"Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons."
How do you know that?
"Uh, well... We looked at the receipts Haar."
"Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in."
"What time's the bank open? 8? We're going in at 9."
"We're going in for God and country and democracy and here's a foetus and he's a Hitler. Whatever you farking need, let's go. Get motivated behind this, let's go!"
Ohoh looks like Mr. Major was on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraqgate, little rapscallion he is.
"Did we send, did I... did... I'll have to check Maggie's old calendar."
What's funny about this. Every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq "machine tools"... which Iraq then converted into military equipment. I have news for you folks, a cannon is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it's a farking machine, it's a tool.
Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq "farming equipment" which Iraq then "converted". How do they do this?
"Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."
Wow! It was a chicken coop, it's now a nuclear reactor!"
"This war's for Aladdin." Farming equipment which they converted into military, okay, you got me I'm curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?
"Oh okay, well it's stuff for the farmers of Iraq."
Yeah?
What?
"Ooh okay, ar well ooh one of the things we gave them was for the little farmer, a new thing we came up with called er the er, flame-throwing rake."
"No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around
Boooo."
"But you know what the Iraqis did with that?"
There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you arsehole?
"We could have done our research better perhaps yes."
What else did you sell 'em?
"Okay er one of the other things we gave 'em was a new thing... for the farmer."
"The, er, armoured tractor."
"No, see, farmers when they farm look over their shoulders at times and they won't see a tree and they'll hit it maybe and there'll be a wasps nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting 'em."
"So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticides on the wasps."
"Yeah but you know what the Iraqis did with that?"
"Can't trust 'em."
"We are free - keep repeating, we are free."
The news is just apocalyptic. Didn't you think with the Cold War being over, things should have gotten better. How many of y'all were as stupid as I was in believing that?
Wow it's over - 40 years of threat of nuclear weapons - it's over, cool, cool... Wrong!
Now 12 different countries have nuclear weapons - it just got 12 times as bad, fark you! Life is harder now. Work hard - oops jobs are scarce, fark you, ha ha ha.
By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself.
No, no, no it's just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root - I don't know. You try, you do what you can.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
And we... kill those people.
Ha ha
"Shut him up."
"We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real."
Just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defences each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.