President Bush today, in a surprise mea culpa, announced his resignation and asked the American people to forgive him for his reckless handling of the war in Iraq, saying he had begun drinking again after some 15 years of sobriety.
"The pressure just got to me," the president said. "I realized I was in over my head some time ago and I just...well, I couldn't handle it. To tell you the truth, it feels good to get this off my chest: I haven't got a clue what to do over there. I just can't fake it any more."
The president, red-eyed and visibly shaking, was hustled out of the White House briefing room by "contract workers" immediately after his surprise remarks. White House spokesman Scott McLellan denied the president's outburst signaled a change in administration policy, saying "The American people know this president and stand firm with him in his resolve to see a free Iraq."
As a stunned press corp exploded in an uproar of shouted questions, the press secretary attempted to defuse the situation, leaning forward and whispered conspiratorily, "What can I tell you? He gets like this sometimes..."