The October Surprise:
White House Joint Press Conference; George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and Colin Powell attending.
Q. Mr. President, you have been criticized for staying in a Florida elementary school classroom while America was under attack. How do you respond?
Bush: Well, you know I'm retarded. Seriously, here is my Stanford-Binet score. So any questions of substance need to go to Dick Cheney.
Q. Secretary Rumsfeld, people would like to know why you didn't go to the command center until about 30 minutes after the last plane crashed on 9/11.
Rumsfeld: The first 30 minutes I was hiding under my desk. Then, they changed the locks on the command center, so I went outside to make myself useful. Ask Dick Cheney about that.
Q. Dr. Rice, what is it that you do, exactly?
Rice: It is my job to imagine all the security threats we have. Nobody could have imagined that a plane would have been used as a missile. Everyone makes mistakes. But Dick Cheney has been happy to know I've imagined everything else since then, including the possibility of terrorists being smuggled in with shipments of xanax from Canada.
Q. Secretary Powell, who cares what you think?
Powell: You'll have to ask Dick Cheney about that.
Wolf Blitzer: There you have it folks. It's not their fault. They're only human. Except Dick Cheney. Whatever he is, only he himself knows for sure. Go ahead, ask him. I dare ya.