Preparing for the RNC
by Kilgore Trout
While slinking around New York City in preparation for the Republican National Convention, I ran into a few Bush supporters. I knew they were Bush fans because they were wearing t-shirts that said "I'm a fan of George W Bush". Considering these 2 people, a man and a woman, were not only wearing the same shirt but were also handing out Bush '04 buttons, I decided they would be good representatives of just what a Bush supporter is.
I approached them with the curiosity of an anthropologist investigating a newly discovered race of people. But I tripped and accidentally bumped into them, knocking their buttons and other Bush paraphernalia to the ground. We had quite a time trying to pick everything up, and it was too bad that most of the buttons went into the street and under the tires of the midday traffic.
Even with the apologies, they were upset and suspicious of my every move. I suppose my t-shirt with "Vote To Impeach" written on it with Bush's picture underneath must have put them on the defensive. When I asked them why I should vote for Bush their immediate response was, "Because he's a decisive leader who stands for America." When I responded that Hitler was a decisive leader who stood for his country, the woman became furious and started throwing the newly gathered buttons at me shouting things like "You scumbag, why do hate everything?!" and "What's wrong with all you liberal types?!" and so on.
The male was able to restrain her before she threw all of her remaining Bush '04 buttons at me. `Herb' was able to talk some sense into her, "Now baby, just calm down...I know I know, they're all the same...yes, I know...but, no, now we can't let them...no now don't get hopeless again, we're right they're wrong....yes, it's okay it's alright...yes we're blessed... yes they're all going to hell...certainly, eternal suffering, yes..." and on and on until the woman, Charlene, came to her senses and started stalking other New Yorkers with her now handful of Bush '04 buttons.
While she was away, I got to talking to Herb. He seemed like a sensible guy. "I just don't get all these people saying how things are so bad" he said. When I told him how a lot of people hold Bush accountable for the disaster in Iraq he responded brilliantly, "Did Bush go over there and put those inmates in dog leashes?" I couldn't argue with that. So I asked him about the poor state of the economy, he responded by asking "Well, you've got a job, don't you?" When I told him I was in fact employed, he gloated, "See there, things ain't so bad." And when I asked about Bush's failure to show up for guard duty, he said "Now son, who are you gonna believe, Michael Moore or the President of the United States of America?"
I was about to say something about the records indicating that Bush was absent from the roll call for weeks, but before I could say anything, Herb explained his allegiance, "You see, Bush was an alcoholic, and so was I. Bush got saved, and so did I." After saying that, he stared at me for awhile. I guess he was waiting for me say how I was now going to vote for Bush. Instead I asked, "Do you also share the quality of having an extremely small penis?" As expected, Herb became a bit incensed at this remark. Even though Charlene had taken the buttons, Herb still had some Bush contraband on him. He swung his bag at me and hit me in the head. Who would have thought a bag of buttons could hurt so much?
Luckily there was an officer handy who gladly stepped in and 'escorted' me to a nearby patrol car. "Listen buddy, the convention hasn't even started yet, can't you and your anarchist pals at least wait until next week to start causing trouble?" It was a rhetorical question. "If I see you causing trouble again , I'm hauling your ass in. Now get the hell out of my car"
As expected this put quite a damper on my mood. In fact it took a few shots of Jack and a pint of Killian's to convince me that I was going to stay until the convention started. Now, I just hope that I can make it that long. At least now I have a few Bush '04 buttons to help me blend in.