Ok, I've had it. The last reference I saw to speculation about Harriet Miers' sexual orientation has pushed me over the edge
Harriet Miers is a Lesbian. Not because I like Harriet. I'm pretty certain that she and I could never be friends. She is not the best candidate for the job she's up for, in my opinion. But that's not the point.
The point is this: speculation about her sexual orientation is unfair and unhelpful. For several reasons.
1. It's none of your business.
2. So what if she's a lesbian? That should neither cause her to be a better or worse candidate for the job.
3. There is an invisible group of women living at this time and place who get nothing but speculation and rumor and distrust for our life choice. We are Autonomous Women who have chosen to live on our own. Period.
The
Autonomous Woman (my name for her) has been known in the past by many names, one of the more recent versions was the Spinster. She is not the equivalent of the
bachelor (nod, nod, wink, wink) of decades past. She was pitied because she couldn't find a man. My impression is that decades back, speculation about her orientation wasn't even to be bothered about. She was just a poor unmarried sister, an unfortunate burden on her family.
Woman tried to defend--and celebrate--this status. There were "Mill Girls" in the factories of New England in the early 1800s who worked, studied, and wrote. They worked (for pay) in the mills, and attended quite high-quality lectures in the evenings to improve themselves. They produced a literary magazine, The Lowell Offering. There were frequent letters and defenses of the status of the spinster. A couple of my favorites are below.
In Betsey Guppy's letter (in Series 1, Vol 1 of this publication), she states:
LETTER ABOUT OLD MAIDS
Mr. Editor: I am one of those unlucky, derided, and almost despised set of females called spinsters, single sisters, lay-nuns, &c.; but who are more usually known by the appellation of Old Maids. That I have never been married, is not my own fault, for I never refused an offer in my life, neither have I by disdain, coldness, or indifference, kept my male acquaintances at a distance. I have always had, and still retain, a great respect for the marriage state, and for those of my friends who, from right motives, have entered into it....but I think it was a part of that wise design that there should be Old Maids.
The first reason I shall give in support of this opinion, is, that they are not only very useful, but even extremely necessary....[Bestey goes on to list a series of still common family situations where having a single sister around is quite handy, such as aging parents, siblings marriage troubles, etc. She then adds this really hilarious conclusion]
But all this reasoning in favor of them goes directly against old bachelors; for I do not see that they are either useful or necessary, at least not more useful for remaining single (present company always excepted--) and had they been needed, more males would have been allowed to arrive at years of bachelorship.
In Maiden Meditation, the author--I kid you not--An Old Maid, one of these Mill Girls, writes a delightfully snarky entry (and says that she is 60 years old):
WELL, well, there is no use in fretting now. I am an old maid, and make no mistake....Now I live and move an isolated being, an old maid; a member of the maiden sisterhood.
Yet I do not repine. No! far be it from me; it was my own choice, and I have never yet repented it;....The very thought of matrimony always affected me like a fit of ague; and when any of my lovers broached the subject, my poor frightened heart thumped and fluttered like a caged bird, always compelling me to say "NO". ....
....I would as soon have cats and dogs--no, I do not mean dogs, for they are hateful creatures, but cats, at all events--as a stingy scolding husband, and crying children daubing every thing over with their dirty greasy hands--and their noise is insupportable.
....Give me single blessedness, called after whatever name it may be--"A tall , sallow, gaunt, old maid," or "A strait, stiff, commanding spinster"--any thing--yes, any thing but--matrimony.
The Lowell Offering Maiden Meditation, Series 5, No. 6 (June 1845)
Single blessedness. Any thing but matrimony.
Betsey and An Old Maid are officially each an Emerita member of my Autonomous Women's club.
In 1905, Myrtle Reed wrote in The Spinster Book
In order to be happy, a woman needs only a good digestion, a satisfactory complexion, and a lover. The first requirement being met, the second is not difficult to obtain, and the third follows as a matter of course.
See, good digestion. What more could you want, really?
There are plenty of other wacky things Myrtle writes which are pretty hard to take today. But she is another case of autonomous women trying to explain and defend ourselves. She has a whole chapter on "The Consolations of Spinsterhood", where she states:
There is no use in saying that any particular girl is a spinster from necessity rather than choice. One has but to look at the peculiar specimens of womankind who have married, to be certain that there is no one on the wide earth who could no do so if she chose.
[snip]
The "career" lies before her, and she has only to choose the thing for which she is best fitted, and work her way upward from the lowest ranks to the position of a star of the first magnitude. Opportunity is but another name for health, obstacles make firm stepping-stones, and that which is dearly bought is by far the sweetest in the end. Of course, there are "strings to pull", but no one needs them. Success is more lasting if it is won in an open field, without favour, and in spite of generous measures of it bestowed upon the opposition.
Unfortunately, she says the greatest consolation of spinsterhood is knowing that someday the Prince "may yet come". Maybe he will, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not the point.
I look out for my own health, wealth, and well-being. I understand the statistics. Marriage can be a bad roll of the dice. If 50% of marriages end in divorce, there is a 50% or better chance of a mental health and financial meltdown from this "institution". If there was some drug--say Meth, for example, with a 50% chance of causing you a meltdown, would your family say shit like "Honey, why aren't you married yet?" Imagine that statement as, "Honey, why aren't you addicted to meth yet?" See what I mean?
My point--and yes I do have one--is that autonomous women through the decades have had to defend their lifestyle choice. And so here is one more attempt, for a new century:
- I am autonomous by choice.
- I value my independence more than I feel the need for a partner.
- I may think I'm too busy right now to devote time to your needs. I have other priorities.
- I maybe just don't see the point in pairing up.
- I maybe really just don't like kids.
- Maybe I'm just not that into you.
I know there are a lot of us out there, clearly, through the ages. You know who we are--you know we exist. We have lots of varied reasons. But we are nearly invisible to the world as a group. There's no community of us. There are no parades. There are no clubs. In fact, sometimes I think it would be better to be a lesbian, because there's a supportive community. I could fake it, I could "pass". But I would have known by now if my innate attraction was to women, and it just isn't.
I am not criticizing anyone else's choice of lifestyle. Marriage is fine for you if you want it--straight or gay. I'm just saying that because I didn't choose that there's no reason for discussion and speculation and rumor about my choices.
In fact--I suspect there are autonomous others out there--female, male, gay, and straight.
But dammit, stop speculating about why we're alone. It's none of your god-damned business.
We want to be alone.