I'm too lazy to wear a Halloween costume. I usually just say, "I'm a Republican, BOO!" I get looks, but whatever. I decided it would be fun to see if people could guess this year, without my having to say anything.
I thought to start the day holding my breath, because Birkenstock hippies forced real Americans to accept their feel-good air quality standards. But I couldn't very well hold my breath all day - although sharply reduced oxygen flow to the brain would certainly make my disguise more convincing.
continue beyond the flip if you dare...
In the shower, I lathered up with Irish Spring, because I remembered that really macho guy from the commercials. I tried to slice a chunk off with my wife's razor, but I nicked my thumb so I stopped. I used the soap on my hair too, because shampoo is for sissy-boys. I entertained fantasies of Ann Coulter taking it to Hillary with a studded strap-on, spunking weakly on my wife's loofa. Boo!
I toweled off and applied a generous marinade of Hi Karate. Then I donned some of my wife's underwear under slate-colored slacks and an argyle sweater. Otherwise, I dressed the same as a normal person.
For breakfast, I tried to find something the FDA hadn't fucked with. I ended up eating cat shit. What to wash it down with? I mixed myself a refreshing jug of Kool-Aid...in the toilet of course.
My son was eating Rice Chex at the kitchen table. I dumped them in the sink and gave him a Pop Tart, Cheeze Whiz and Coke.
He blinked and asked, "Are you going trick-r-treatin' with me tonight?"
I said "No, cause you insist on dressing up like Frodo, and I won't be seen in public with no bare-footed homo midget with a thing for jewelry."
He stared at me.
"Why couldn't you pick a manly costume like Batman or Ed Gein or Moses?"
He started crying, "You're scaring me Daddy..."
"It works...." I thought.
I put all my wife's shoes in the trash and let the dog sniff my nuts for an extra long time as I walked out the door. On my way to the car, I dumped a Folgers' can full of cigarette butts soaked in paint thinner in the sewer. "Here you go, Flipper. I don't care what Ed Kennedy says, you're a fucking fish! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, motherfucker!"
With a black Sharpie, I wrote "H2" on the side of my Sentra. Turning the ignition, I heard Al Franken's familiar voice, "...on...the...air..." Yelling, "Goddamn Jew Bastard!" I changed the station over to Hannity. The dog came to check what was going on. I opened the door and kicked him all in his little toothy face.
As I backed out of the parking lot and over a "Donna Frye for Mayor" sign, I saw my kid leaving for school. I rolled down my window.
"No school for you today son," I said.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Cause they want you to have sexual intercourse with other boys and they will teach you that we come from atheist monkeys and the teachers are a special interest group who are conspiring to destroy freedom because they hate America, that's why," I said.
"Oh, ok," he said.
I continued, "Besides, everything you need to learn is right here," tossing a bible on the ground in front of his feet.
As I drove off, clumps of sod flying into the air, I saw tears streaming down his cheeks. This costume was scary as shit!
While waiting at a dead stop at the 15-south on-ramp, I jumped out with the Sharpie again and drew fish all over my trunk. I was just able to write "Freedom Is Really Really Expensive" on my bumper before the traffic started moving again. I flipped off some pale chick with a nose-ring as I cut her off.
Anyhoo, aside from forcing a Prius into the breakdown lane, my ride to work was uneventful; though I did get a few stares while sucking brain matter out of my left ear with a crazy-straw. Man, people really think my costume rocks!
When I got to work, I called a team meeting. First, I fired all the black people.
"I've been noticing the supply of highlighters is dwindling, homeys. I think you've been selling them so you can buy dope and Run DMC tapes."
Screams!
Hey, this is how I roll....
Then I fired the crippled guy.
I said, "You're crippled because God is angry at you, and I don't want God angry at me for keeping you on the payroll."
The Vietnamese kid asked, "What makes you such an authority on what God thinks?"
I responded, "Everyone knows that crippled people are being punished because Stephen Hawkings writes about the big bang and dinosaurs and stuff, and God made him crippled for teaching our kids about all these devil things."
Then I fired the gook. And kicked the crippled guy's stinky bag. Blood Curdling Shrieks!
There was an old guy and a hot chick left at that point.
I closed the meeting, telling the old guy to write up the minutes, and motioning for the girl to follow me into my office.
I said, "I know Satan sent you to tempt me, but since I have a direct-deposit thing for tithing, I figure Jesus will forgive just one blowjob."
She stared.I threw in a flat-screen monitor and a back-support to sweeten the deal. She said no and stormed out of the suite.
As she retreated I said, "They have a special place in hell for ugly lesbians you know..."
I don't think she heard me. Then I sat down to write this diary. I just love Halloween, but I really wish I hadn't done that thing with the crazy-straw.
The End