I was pleased to attend the
Mental Health Association of Lancaster County Annual Meeting with Mrs. Pastor Wednesday night, where I was officially sworn in as a member of the Board of Directors. (I'll serve on the Legislative Affairs Committee, naturally.)
After the election and a brief awards ceremony, we heard testimony from two mental-health services consumers dealing with Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder, both of whom grew up in deeply spiritual families. One of them used to believe that she had to avoid corners because the Devil was in one corner of a room, Satan in another, church schism in another, and so on. She forced herself to sleep in the exact center of her bed, for fear that she might somehow stray in the middle of the night and wake up in hell.
I won't pretend to have difficulties of the same magnitude, but I am myself a consumer. Mrs Pastor helped diagnose me in 2000 after I came home in a rage and shredded a dozen moving boxes with my bare hands. I've been more open about my diagnosis since last year, when some ongoing problems forced me to start taking my diagnosis more seriously.
I bring all of this up because yesterday was the third annual Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day, as declared by NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
Here's some of why they believe it's necessary to have such a day:
* A majority of U.S. adults fail to recognize most of the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder. Sixty-four percent of public survey respondents recognized rapid, unpredictable emotional changes as a symptom of bipolar disorder; however, less than half of respondents recognized other bipolar disorder symptoms. Twenty-five percent of the general adult public admitted they were not sure of the symptoms of bipolar disorder1.
* Only 40 percent of U.S. adults feel people with bipolar disorder have difficulty discussing their condition with others1; however, an overwhelming 79 percent of people with bipolar disorder said this is due to fear of repercussions if they discuss their condition2.
* Approximately one in five (17%) respondents to the public survey believe that people with bipolar disorder can control their illness without medication if they really want to do so1.
* Close to two-thirds (62%) feel people with bipolar disorder have difficulty establishing or maintaining relationships, and many feel people with bipolar disorder have difficulty with other life skills, such as consistently attending work or school (52%), managing their time (55%), focusing (54%) and getting or maintaining a job (50%)1.
* Of public survey respondents who have a family member or friend diagnosed with bipolar disorder, 69 percent agree that the person close to them has experienced consequences from discontinuing medication and/or suggested treatment1.
* Less than one-third of American adults (28 percent) believe people with bipolar disorder have adequate information and/or resources to help them manage their condition
And in case you're not familiar with what bipolar disorder is and does, here's the rundown:
Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression, is a serious brain disorder that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. An equal number of men and women develop this illness, and it occurs among all ages, race, ethnic groups, and social classes. Bipolar Disorder accounts for approximately $7.6 billion in direct Healthcare costs in the U.S. while the majority of people with Bipolar Disorder experience an onset of symptoms before age 20, many suffer from 10 years before an accurate diagnosis is made. In the gap between the experience of symptoms and diagnosis, people with Bipolar disorder are at great risk for suicide, substance abuse, or other harmful consequences. There is a strong genetic component related to Bipolar Disorder; however, genetics do not always predict who will develop the disorder. Bipolar disorder is a chronic and generally life-long condition, requiring life-long treatment. Mood swings that come with bipolar disorder can be mild or they can be severe, ranging from "lows" known as the depressive stage, to the "highs" known as the manic phase. This change in mood can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months.
Symptoms of mania-the "highs" of Bipolar Disorder include:
Increased physical and mental activity and energy
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
Excessive irritability and aggressive behavior
Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-imortance
Racing speech and thought; consistent irrational ideas
Impulsiveness, poor judgment, and distractibility
Reckless behavior
Delusions and hallucinations
Symptoms of Depression-The "lows" of Bipolar Disorder include:
Loss of energy
Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
Changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Increased feelings of worry and anxiety
Feelings of guilt or hopelessness
Inability to concentrate or make decisions
Social withdrawal
Unexplained aches or pains
Use of chemical substances or alcohol
You can find even more here (warning: .pdf link).
But that's all dry and clinical, no? Here's what it really means to be bipolar, from my own experience.
- It means never being able to own fully your emotions, because wait five minutes and they'll change;
- It means smiling (or at least feeling giddy) as you have a shouting match with your wife;
- It means spacing out important details of your life, such as needing to pay that bill, or that project you've been meaning to get around to;
- It means not living up to your promise;
- It means have huge ideas that hold you in their grip for hours, days, weeks, so tight you feel nauseous--and then watching them evaporate into steam as soon as you try to write them down;
- It means knowing way too f***ing well where Kurt Cobain is coming from;
- It means living like you're on speed for days or weeks on end;
- It means that dreadful crash--the one that leaves you afraid to get out of bed, the one that leaves wondering how you're going to survive another month, for fear your heart will simply give out;
- It means being sick from the adrenaline coursing through your system;
- It means lying awake at night while the thoughts race through your head and your heart pumps faster thousand miles an hour;
- It means drinking too much, smoking too much, taking drugs, just so you stop feeling for a blessed moment;
- It means being complimented and obsessing over why you couldn't have done even better;
- It means being devastated by even a casual remark that upsets your ego;
- It means that long pause after you tell someone, as they try to figure out the appropriate thing to say;
- It means having people think you're a dumbass, a wimp, or a psycho;
- It means having people tell you "I don't believe in medication," when it's the medicine that's kept you alive and sane enough to function for years.
So much more, I can't possibly cover it all here.
And would you believe it? If someone offered me a cure here and now, I don't think I'd take it. (Mrs Pastor probably would on my behalf.)
Being bipolar is simply so much of who I am, I can't imagine myself any other way. More to the point, it has underscored for me the fragility of the vessels God chooses. My head is broken, and that's okay. I'm fine the way I am.
So say I'm crazy, say I'm a jerk, say I'm a ham sandwich. It's all good. I've got work to do, and thank God, I've got the means to get it done.
What more could you want?