November 12, 2005
H.P - Heaven Press
In response to Reverend Pat Robertson's recent remarks, a lawsuit has been filed in the highest court of the land for defamation of character. The plaintiff, Jesus H. Christ, is seeking unspecified damages and a temporary injunction barring Mr. Robertson from using his name, works, or likeness until the matter is settled.
According to the complaint, Christ claims that Robertson's continual mischaracterizations of his deeds and words have caused billions of people worldwide to have a negative view of Christianity. Jesus told H.P that "Mr. Robertson continues to
claim that I am responsible for many of the disasters in recent history. As a preacher and Biblical scholar, he should know perfectly well that I am the God of love and compassion. I would never destroy the twin towers and the innocent people in them as a punishment for homosexuality, nor do I pick sides in man-made conflicts or belong to a political party. He should know that I said to love your enemies. I said turn the other cheek. I frequently encouraged others to care for the least amongst us. Frankly, I am tired of having my character besmirched. I will be quiet no longer". Christ's friend, Matthew, told the H.P "Jesus was very clear when he stated Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. For God's sake, he traveled the land with a prostitute. Jesus would not harm a fly; he died for all of our sins".
Mr. Robertson responded to these allegations by stating "He said what? He couldn't have... God only speaks to me". Mr. Robertson continued "The God I know is vengeful, dislikes depravity, and demands that his gospel be taught in every school in this blessed nation" Jesus responded to this by tell us "I have spoke to many people throughout history; Moses, Solomon, my apostles, Mohammad, a couple of popes, but I assure you, I have never spoken to Mr. Robertson"
Hearings are tentatively scheduled for the morning after the breaking of the seventh seal. When asked, Mr. Robertson's lawyer, Lucifer Morningstar, replied "I am confident that Pat and I will work out a deal to avoid a lengthy trial"