With everything going on in the world, it's SO difficult for schmucks like me to keep up with the news. Granted, missing any given day's news around the world usually doesn't hurt me. But I'm an ambitious schmuck; a schmuck who craves knowledge; a schmuck who lives to take over every dinner conversation because I have this burning desire to impress everyone by boasting about my newfound knowledge on a daily basis. Plus, I care. I care about the world. I care about this country. I care about my family. And I care about my neighbors. That's why I depend on CNN to get me up to speed on current events. Simply put, I think of CNN as gasoline for my brain. And today, during dinner, Paula Zahn came through for me once again.
I know that CNN takes a lot of beating here, but you have to give them credit where credit is due. If you're wondering what happened today on Paula Zahn's show by now, you should catch a rerun later tonight. But I'll tell you this: when a white woman is killed, no matter who she is, you can bet Paula Zahn and her producers will be there to find out the truth!
Zahn's lead story was an explosive one: a radio jockey from St. Louis(?) has been arrested for poisoning his late wife's Gatorade!!!
Normally, I would've just devoured my dinner and moved on, but this was a white woman they were talking about. So at this point, I'm thinking, 'holy shit! This is HUGE! Wait, where are our elected officials to chime in on this latest travesty?'
But no worries. Because Paula and her producers wouldn't just report and let it go. They are, after all, professional journalists.
So, Paula had the suspected radio show host's attorney on. And boy did she grill the hell out of him! "If not her husband, who would've been close enough to her to do this? Who would've poisoned her Gatorade other than her husband, sir? Who? Who? Who???" Paula probed with growing rage. God, I love her...
"This is an on-going investigation, Paula, and I'm not going to try this case in the news..." muttered the attorney. Hmmm...that sounds eerily familiar...where have I heard that recently? Oh, fuck it. I can't remember. Not important. Anyway, poor guy...you just know that lawyer was shitting in his pants as Paula showed us once again why she has a primetime show on CNN and Aaron Brown doesn't. About the only thing Paula didn't tell us was the flavor of the poisoned Gatorade in question, which I hope will be her lead piece tomorrow because I need to know. Otherwise, this was a spectacular piece of investigative journalism. Just splendid! Awesome! Totally cool! I hope Paula's kids realize that they have a cool mom. Paula is such a bad ass.
After thoroughly presenting her lead story about this late, poor white woman whose Gatorade was allegedly poisoned by her husband, Paula casually moved on to much less important stories of the day: a school shooting in Tennessee.
So, I devoured my dinner and moved on. After all, the CNN just armed me with an explosive Gatoradegate (poisongate?) story. And I need to go talk to my neighbors about why and how this white woman's Gatorade got poisoned and what we can collectively do to prevent such a disaster from ever happening in our own community. You should do the same.
God, I love CNN!
P.S. The quotes above aren't exact verbatim, but you get the idea. I also have nothing against white women nor do I condone violence/abuse/murder in any way.
P.P.S. Paula's most pressing question to the reporter covering the high school shooting in TN who could not tell us anything about the suspected teen?
"Can you tell us anything about the boy at this point? For example, what KIND is he?"
I swear, Paula is the coolest!