Dear diary,
What a great day I've had!
Everybody knows about my big speech. It was easy! I just used the same speech I've been reading all week. I almost have it memorized now!
I also made Condi the Double Secretary Deluxe by giving her control over all the dangerous stuff out there. Rummy didn't like it, but he's lucky to even have a job so he can just stuff it.
Then, I got to pick more judges. My first pick, Patrick Joseph Schiltz, was "Ducky" Scalia's clerk and made a great defense attorney against hundreds of whiny sex abuse victims when they sued the Catholic Church. And guess what? Only one newspaper noticed! My second pick, Jack Zouhary, is obviously qualified for the Federal bench. He's already been a judge for ten whole months! He lost the election, but then he got appointed to the job! My kinda guy. Jack was appointed by my buddy Bob Taft. Bobby is such a good guy that Time magazine, that nutty liberal rag, called him one of the worst governors ever. Good enough for me!
After that
I wrote myself a check for $3.3 million dollars for my new playroom. Remember that
big $40 billion bill Congress passed to help recover from terrorist attacks back in 2001? The one that says we can spend it on anything we want as long as we say it's "supporting national security"? Well, I just ordered me a new Situation Room! And the 9/11 recovery money will pay for it! I am so smart. S-M-R-T. (And that money's not even counted against the deficit -- it's an emergency! The bill even says so!)
Let's see, what else...oh yeah! I kept suspending implementation of the Jerusalem Embassy Act. You know, the one I suspended back in June, and every six months before that -- pretty much constantly since I was elected -- even though I promised to follow through with it when I was campaigning back in 2000. I think I might even have promised to do it on my Inauguration Day! Ha ha.
This FOIA stuff was really bugging me, so I pulled a fast one -- I signed an executive order! See, I ordered all kinds of process changes, but I used lots of non-measurable terms like "citizen-centered" and "results-oriented" to prevent anyone from actually having to do anything. Even better, I talked so much about process that everyone forgot about the broad exemptions we give and the complete lack of any penalties for anyone who violates the FOIA. Score!
Well, gotta go, Uncle Dick says there's some stuff for me to sign!