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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
More bad opening paragraphs from the 2004 Bulwer Lytton Fiction contest:
Winner: Children's Literature
Jack planted the magic beans and in one night a giant beanstalk grew all the way from the earth up to the clouds--which sounds like a lie, but it can be done with genetic engineering, and although a few people are against eating gene-engineered foods like those beans it's a high-paying career to think about for when you grow up.
---Frances Grimble, San Francisco, CA
Runner-Up
When Cinderella saw that the Prince had sent the Duke to find the woman of his dreams, like some rich schoolboy who pays the smartest kid in the class to do his homework, or worse, like someone who has been on welfare so long that he has trouble doing any kind of work, she suddenly realized the spoiled nature of the King's son and stealthily slid the slipper back into her pocket.
---Milton Combs, Kingston, WA
Have a storybook weekend. Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 11, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days `til DNC chair vote: 1
Days `til Valentine's Day: 3
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith": 97
Percent of February that's over: 39%
Time it took Rudolf Reitberger to climb 86 floors and win the Empire State Building Run-Up: 10 Minutes 24 Seconds
Time it took 93 year-old Chico Scimone to finish the Run-Up: 49 Minutes 28 Seconds
Factor by which we admire Scimone over Reitberger: 10
Amount of money Bush's budget cuts could cost Maine: $100 million
(Source: Gov. John Baldacci)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Great...get ready for another bogus marriage amendment: http://www.verparacreer.net/imagen.php?f=1107990000&n=1. But they LOVE each other!! Daaaaamn you, Leviticus!!!
CHEERS to bloggersleuths. Wow!! James Jeff "Dick" Guckert Gannon didn't stand a chance against you guys. Now the White House is embarrassed, the Green Football munchkins are scrambling to salvage any scrap of integrity they can from the scandal (good luck), and a congressional investigation is likely. So pat yourself on the back. And don't forget to give your computer a hug, too. (And would it kill ya to dust it?)
CHEERS to "Fool me...can't get fooled again." Bush turned `No Child Left Behind' into an unfunded mandate. Now it looks like his plan to expand it is headed straight for detention: http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2005-02-09-no-child_x.htm. Biggest winner: America's kids.
JEERS to blazing slacks. Condi Rice. Liar. Big time: http://gadflyer.com/flytrap/index.php?Week=200506#1494. Everything. They. Touch. Breaks.
CHEERS to Gay Blincoln. #16's birthday is tomorrow (His 196th). What can you say about him that hasn't already been said? We sure could use you right about now, so feel free to drop in anytime. Pay your respects here: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=627&pt=Abraham%20Lincoln. Tonight in your honor: Four score and twenty nachos.
CHEERS to Senat...er, Broadcaster Al Franken. After a huge buildup, he informs the world that he's staying put at Air America instead of running for the U.S. Senate. Good. Lunchtime wouldn't be the same without ya.
CHEERS to progress. On this date in 1752, the first hospital in the US opened in Pennsylvania. Back then it was simple. You simply showed the receptionist your Colonial Discount Leech Card and they took care of the rest.
JEERS to Tots of Terror. North Korea's Kim "I'm so Wonery" Jong Il says he has a nuke. Please, media, please...cut Bush's mike if he starts to say "Bring it on!"
CHEERS to real numbers. In the wake of Gallup's worthless Republican-oversampled poll showing Bush with 57% approval comes this one from AP that shows 54% disapproval: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/ap/20050211/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_ap_poll. A Bacardi & Coke to anyone who can make a case that it's not all downhill for him from here. Ahhh...blessed silence.
JEERS to Fruit of the Loonies. The bill to outlaw displays of underwear in Virginia died in the Senate, a victim of embarrassing press coverage: http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2005-02-10-pants_x.htm. But don't expect an official "Droopy Drawers Day" anytime soon, kids.
CHEERS to caffeine in the clear. On January 11, 1992, a study said drinking three cups of coffee a day does not raise the risk of heart disease. But it does raise your risk of peeing like a racehorse every 5 minutes.
CHEERS to the original Electric Boogaloo. Happy 158th Birthday, Thomas Edison! He invented the light bulb, the film projector and 1,198 other useful things. Pay your respects here: http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=1630&pt=Thomas%20Edison. And turn the light out when you leave.
One Year Ago in Cheers and Jeers:
CHEERS to Wesley Clark. `Anybody But Dean' alternative bows out gracefully after poor showings in TN and VA. You're a good man...Sir!...and I'm proud to have shaken your hand. Moral of story: last-ditch "Anybody but..." campaigns don't work. And memo to Clintonistas: Gore's guy Dean is still standing.
CHEERS to Count Dracula. Turns out vampire bats secrete a clot-busting substance that can help stroke victims. Sorry about that whole stake-through-the-heart misunderstanding.
And just one more:
CHEERS to C&J Exclusives! Secret spycam reveals image from Donald Rumsfeld's private Pentagon bathroom! http://www.mattsfunhouse.com/gallery/miscellaneous/grating. Love him or hate him, you gotta admit he's got a tough hide.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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