Props to Hunter for the inspiration to write this. Keep him on the front page Kos.
Dear Mom,
You would think that this time of year people would show some respect and love for our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, I'm finding we have a lot of work to do. I've passed out all of my "Jesus is the reason for the season" pins and nobody seems to be wearing them.
Just last night, the county's Department of Animal Control wrote me a citation for keeping livestock in a neighborhood not zoned for livestock, and then took them away. I guess they failed to notice the life-sized, living Nativity on my front lawn. Those weren't livestock; those were the creatures of the Earth paying homage to the son of God. At least one of the camels spit on the animal control officers, as it was being loaded into the trailer.
Never mind the fact that Child Protective Services stopped by just in time to take baby Jesus into their custody. I'm sure they'll be taking him to Pontius Pilate to have him crucified or something.
Then, shortly afterward, the police showed up and rounded up the three wise men and Mary and Joseph. The officers said that the homeowners' association called them because it was clear in the association covenants that loitering was not allowed and that "the five people assembling together in the barn on my front lawn constituted a gang". I swear this religious persecution is going to be the downfall of society. The rapture and second coming of Christ must be upon us. Lord, please take me now, because I can't take much more of this.
Then, the police ordered the Angel of the Lord to stop "levitating" and come down from on high. When asked his name, the angel said, "Fear not, for I am the Angel of the Lord, and I bring you tidings of great joy." The cops didn't buy that story and took him into custody and are currently transporting him to the psych ward at the local hospital.
Just to add insult to injury, the police made me turn off the big bright star on my roof that overlooked the Nativity. They said it was illegal to shine a spotlight on my neighbors' houses; that it made me look like a peeping Tom. At this point my rage boiled over and the police had to use a taser on me to keep me from throttling one of them. They said they would have taken me to jail, but just like the innkeeper said, there was no room. I guess God was looking out for me, and wants me to continue to spread His word.
Despite all of my best efforts to honor the birth of Jesus and educate my neighbors about the true meaning of Christmas, my Nativity is now empty, except for the gold, frankincense, myrrh and all of the camel shit on my lawn.
While all of this was happening, I noticed smoke pouring out of my door. The heathens who came to destroy my Nativity had kept me busy long enough that the birthday cake I was baking for Jesus got overcooked and burnt to a crisp in the oven. Those damn heathens destroyed my birthday cake too, but they can't destroy Christmas.
Just then the doorbell rang again. It was some salesman who wanted me to buy something. What he was selling wasn't important, but what he said was. As he left he said, "Happy Holidays". What??? Happy Holidays? With so much disrespect towards Christmas in one night, I finally blew my top. I know God doesn't like us to fight, but I punched the salesman in the mouth and left him to pick up his teeth off the ground after kicking his ass halfway to the Holy Land. Nobody desecrates the birth of my Lord and Saviour like that and gets away with it. Besides, our God is a loving God and he'll forgive me for defending the honor of Jesus.
When I got back to my house, I noticed that the 10 strings of lights I put on my Christmas tree had caused it to spontaneously combust and now my house was burning to the ground. Gone were all of my worldly possessions including the Jesus Jell-O mold I made for the church Christmas party, which was now melting away. What a blessing this truly is! Now that I'm left with nothing, I can truly live the life that Jesus led and spend the rest of my days doing His work. I don't need anything as long as I've got the Lord.
Your loving son,
J.C. (thanks for naming me after Him)