In 6 days I'll be heading down the road to spend spring break in Arkansas with my husband's relatives. I met him in college and fell in love long before I met his family. Fortunately for me, he did the same. I'd like to introduce you to the folks I'll be dancing around gingerly for a week.
Cousin Ricky. He's got to be first because he represents the best of both sides of the family. Cousin Ricky is the Pentecostal preacher who just got our of jail for stealing everyone's lawnmowers and pawning them for cocaine. He's left his wife and 3 kids, and is living at home with his mom while she works at Walmart to support him. He cleaned out my wallet on the last visit.
Grandpa Dee. Another in a long line of preachers, but currently not in power at the local snake handlers. He had been married to Grandma Clara, but she was applying for credit cards in his name and ran up 50k worth of bills. Meanwhile, he was drugging Clara to sleep every Sunday afternoon so he could have sex with the young bippy church secretary. Oh, and a couple of years ago he accused a woman in the church of being a witch. Really.
Last time we stayed with him, but he told us not to use the toilet for any solid materials- and he left several bibles around the house open to pages about keeping women in line. This year we get a hotel.
My husband's dad, David. Alcoholic, heavy smoker, resembles a piece of pemmican. Last time we came he called over my 4 year old daughter to show her how his dog could eat one of the turtles in his yard. We left early.
Yes, the cast of characters continues, but I'm hyperventilating too hard to describe them. Let's just say that everyone from grandparents down on all sides are divorced and have to be visited separately.
So, how about it? How weird are your relatives?