From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late night snark...
"[During congressional hearings last week, Mark] McGwire refused to say whether he ever took steroids. But I think he did because, as he was leaving, one of his tits fell out of his suit."
--Bill Maher
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"Congressman Davis says the [steroid] investigation may not end with baseball:
[Clip of 'Meet the Press' with Tim Russert: "What authority does your committee have? Could you look into drugs in Hollywood, drugs in the music industry?" Rep. Tom Davis: "Rule Ten, clause 4C2 gives us the ability to hold a hearing on any matter at any time."]
"Any matter at any time? Enron, Halliburton, no WMDs, Abu Ghraib? And you went with baseball? Way to go!"
--Jon Stewart
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"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy. The other's Michael Jackson."
--Jay Leno
Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!]
Cheers and Jeers---now with NEW EMBEDDED MARGIN-GARD TECHNOLOGYTM---for Tuesday, March 22, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Easter: 5
Days `til Mother's Day: 47
Condi Rice's salary: $180,000
SpongeBob Squarepants's salary: $1.5 Billion
Average hourly pay in 2004: $15.68
Percent of average hourly pay shrinkage in 2004 (adjusted for inflation): 0.7%
Percent of annual income spent on paying debts in 2004: 13% (Highest in 20 years)
(Source for the above 5 items: Parade)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Oh, Pooh: http://thewilsonfam7.typepad.com/its_a_wilson_thing/images/cute_puppy_pooh-thumb.jpg. That's what happens when you overload on carbs...
CHEERS to hitting the snooze button. News of U.S. District Judge James Whittemore's ruling that Terry Schiavo's feeding tube should not be re-inserted came at 6:25 this morning. (http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/03/22/schiavo/index.html). The religious radicals who normally hold a carefully-staged "vigil" outside her window thought the announcement would happen at 8 or 9, so the background during network news coverage consisted of abandoned signs haphazardly leaning up against a fence. What, the Lord couldn't have given y'all a wake-up call?
CHEERS to---whaaaaa?---the New York Post?? Yup, even the rabid right-wing media sees federal intervention in the Schiavo case for what it is (http://www.nypost.com/postopinion/editorial/42920.htm): "...the idea of Congress convening a weekend session to push through a potentially precedent-setting law for one single individual, with little regard to the long-term consequences, is profoundly troubling. Political opportunism? No question about it." But don't get your hopes up...they'll be foaming at the mouth again tomorrow.
JEERS to---here we go again---looney loners. In rural Minnesota, a teenager shot and killed half a dozen people at Red Lake High School yesterday (14 other students and teachers were wounded) before turning the gun on himself: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7259823/. Jesus Christ...was it something we graded?
CHEERS to throwing the bums out. Prime Minister Ahmed Allawi's party will not be a part of the new Iraqi government (via The Raw Story): http://www.plenglish.com/article.asp?ID=%7BB95DFC4D-503B-4A7C-A700-876BB7A95E75%7D&language=EN. Now he can get back to doing what he does best---namely, shooting people in the head: http://www.commondreams.org/headlines04/0716-01.htm. Creep.
JEERS to home entertainment. About the only thing of note on the DVD release schedule today is the Oscar-nominated "Finding Neverland." It's about a place where Republicans pass balanced budgets, control the deficit, and keep their nose out of Americans' private lives. It was a big winner at last year's Fantasy Awards.
JEERS to swimming in the moolah. A lovely lesson for kids: even if you suck at being the CEO of a company, you still get your millions (and all the tax shelters you can shake a Mont Blanc pen at) when you leave: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A55305-2005Mar21.html. So be sure to send your kids to the best GWB (Groveling Weasel Backstabber) school you can find---there's a 10% chance they'll thank you for it.
CHEERS to March Madness. As NCAA Sweet 16 mania heats up, the value of office pool jackpots are hitting obscene heights. Cartoonist Clay Jones is on it: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=cj. Advice to the winner: hire a bodyguard.
CHEERS to the first decent book of 2005. Daily Show rantmeister Lewis Black will recharge your snark batteries on April 1 with "Nothing's Sacred": http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=62-0689876475-0. But we can't decide which will be more entertaining---the hardcopy or the audio version.
CHEERS to 60's TV icons. Today is the late Werner "Colonel Klink" Klemperer's 85th birthday. Meanwhile, William "Captain Kirk" Shatner---very much alive---turns 74. In honor of TV's good old days, we'll put down the remote today and change the channel manually.
Update to the above item: Okay, we did it once. That's enough. Oh, my achin' flab.
JEERS to blowing the stereotype. Believe it or not, one-in-six Canadian adults claim they've been victims of racism (Muslims and Arabs get the most guff): http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/cpress/20050320/ca_pr_on_na/racism_survey_1. Man, they just can't stop copying us, can they?
CHEERS to good starts. At the ShoWest convention, George Lucas premiered the opening 7 minutes of `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.' The verdict at Aint It Cool News (http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=19681): "You talk to any fan and they'll tell you one of the most discouraging things about the first two prequels is the lack of kick ass space battles. This opening more than makes up for it. And the colors---good lord, the colors! This sequence is so incredibly vibrant. Simply stunning." 58 days, kids.
C&J Flashback: March 22, 2004...
CHEERS to chutzpah. Israelis kill wheelchair-bound, quadriplegic, bearded---oh, yes, and TERRORIST ASS--- Sheik Ahmed Yassin, firing a missile up his nostril in broad daylight. (The contents of his coffin: three teeth and an elbow.) Score one for the good guys---but why haven't I been able to stop holding my breath for the last 12 hours?
CHEERS to shocking titles. Former Nixon insider John Dean pens new book: "Worse Than Watergate." Hope this doesn't get buried by all the press surrounding Richard Clarke's book. It's a damning page-turner in its own right...from someone who knows a cover-up when he sees one.
And just one more...
JEERS to terrorist clowns. Jeez...what did we do to piss these guys off? http://www.verparacreer.net/imagen.php?f=1111273200&n=1. The worst part: 35 of `em can fit in a Subaru.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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