Michael Chertoff's announcement expands considerably the purview of the Homeland Security Department; when questioned about this latest pronouncement, Chertoff pledged his allegiance to Dick Cheney and fell to the floor speaking in tongues.
Pundits relate the Homeland Security action to the recent attacks on well known conservative figures Pat Buchanan,( http://tinyurl.com/3qcc2 ) who took Caeser Salad dressing to the head today, as well as an attack on William Kristol's a day earlier with an egg custard pie. Previous attempts by the government to ban eggs had been held in check by noted chicken maven Frank Purdue; Purdue's untimely death today released the administration from a commitment made by Ronald Reagan to Purdue to never mess with his chickens. In an unrelated investigation, the CIA is looking into reports that Frank Purdue and Pope John Paul II are actually the same person.
The government action notably is in conflict with the religious conservative chicken wing of the Republican party and is expected to draw fire from right-to-lifer activists who claim that all eggs are to be honored and allowed to hatch. House Speaker Tom DeLay is already under fire for numerous transgressions against humanity, though in his defense Mr. DeLay has produced telephone records of calls placed to his Washington apartment from God with the help of overseas operators. God is thought to have been vacationing in his country at the time.
This reporter has discovered another serious discrepancy in Mr. DeLay's modus operandi however; despite his seemingly steadfast defense of life in all forms, Mr. DeLay's attendance with Bob Barr at a Texas dinner sponsored by Americans for a Republican Majority (ARMPAC) in August of 2000, at which was served "seared filet mignon on croutons with baby arugula and caramelized shallots and Russian potato chips with crème fraiche and beluga caviar" and "smoked salmon Napoleons with chive crème fraiche and sevruga caviar". ( http://www.texasobserver.org/showArticle.asp?ArticleID=816 )Mr. DeLay was seen moaning orgasmically and wiping caviar off his chin with Mr. Barr's necktie at several points during the evening. Neither Mr. Barr nor Mr. DeLay's office chose to respond to this story prior to deadline as to their inclination to seemingly enjoy eggs.
It is assumed that the Homeland Security Department unveiled it's latest tool in it's fight against terror in all forms late on Friday in order to give the Administration time to work a deal with the Kraft Foods branch of Philip Morris. Mr. Morris did not respond to a page. We did reach noted salad dressing maven Paul Newman; when informed of the ban that would affect many of his salad dressing products Mr. Newman cursed Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman and promised to make him his bitch. Mr. Newman coincidentally was having dinner with Clint Eastwood, who also grimaced and growled appropriately.
At this hour local police are busy removing all egg and egg related products nationwide, and are intent on taking your remaining easter eggs; you are advised to hide them once again.