ELECTION REFORM: The Comedy
Hello Election Hygienists--
Our DFA Election Reform committee has written
a lighthearted thirty minute skit outlining the
myriad of vulnerabilities threatening our election
integrity, and better yet, it offers some important solutions.
While the mainstream media refuses to adequately cover
our election integrity vulnerabilities, EVERY community
group can borrow, or modify, our skit to help spread
the word. Imagine if every Wellstone, PDA,
Democrat Club, DFA, church, Scout, union,
environment, and so on, were to perform this
skit in the coming months?
BTW, thus far, we performed this for the Gray Panthers
and received an excellent response.
How to Maintain our
Democracy's Optimal Health
presented by the
"Election Hygienists"
of
DFA-Marin
HYGIENIST HELGA:
HELLO LADIES & GENTLEMEN of the
incredible [Gray Panthers or whomever],
thank you for inviting us. I am one of the many
[name your county] County election
hygienists that you've probably been hearing so
much about--here to demonstrate how to maintain
the health of
OUR democratic body.
So, my name is Hygienist Helga, and
I'm one Helga Hygienist!
[Laugh]
I've been well trained to clean election
systems for years, and YES, this is
not a new problem,
BUT. . . recent technology has changed our
field tremendously.
We can no longer use a mere stethoscope
and thermometer to make a diagnosis on
what's going on with the health of--
OUR democracy.
We've gotta use technologies that can
look inside our elections--
like this MRI--and this is
digitized close up. [Hold up
a real x-ray. Then show a poster board
graphic of a dark stringy convoluted mess!]
What's the answer you are probably wondering?
We've got to use NEW advanced methodologies
to maintain OUR democracy's hygiene--
to keep our democracy's election systems healthy!
Yes, election system diseases are not new. . . .
And, YES, stories have long circulated that
even LBJ had stuffed ballot boxes,
and Chicago's Mayor Daly? . . .
Let's not even go there. . . .
And even recently. . .there are those who
claim that even our good San Francisco
Mayor Willie Brown's election
had a few ballot boxes floating in the--.
[Ring. . .Ring. . .Ring]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Excuse me folks, I have to take this.
[Pick up the phone.]
Helloooo?
PROFESSOR:
Dr. Cornelius [or if female, Cornelia]
Strait, here, may I speak to the lead
Marin Hygienist of record?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Professor?
PROFESSOR: Excuse me,
is this the lead Election Hygienist of the very
famous [name your county] Election
Hygienists?
This is. . . Dr. Strait, calling from Canada--
I'm returning your call? I believe you called me
to find out how America's election system is
vulnerable. . .to disease.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Oh, yes! I did.
PROFESSOR: Well, I assume
that an election Hygienist of your repute MUST,
at least know, about the work of the professor
of computer science, Dr. Avi Rubin--
of Johns Hopkins?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Look confused and shrug shoulders.]
Ah, ah,Yes, of course! Uh, Who?
PROFESSOR: Well, Yeeeessss,
I thought you'd know. . . .
Okay, just to be clear on this--Dr. Avi Rubin of
Johns Hopkins, I believe, explains it this way:
Computer shenanigans leading to election disease
have gone from retail to wholesale. In other words,
it used to take a person at each precinct, at each
"retail" site, to stuff ballot
boxes and/or make them disappear.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Oh?
PROFESSOR: Ah, but nowadays,
it is possible for ONE software programmer--
the "wholesale" site--that is, at the election
software creation site--to write a computer program
to win by any margin, then erase itself leaving
NO trace, "Psssssssstttt!"
["Disappearing" gesture with hands.]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Wow! Really?
PROFESSOR: Yes, Yes, YES,
it leaves absolutely no evidence to an outside
observer of the code--nothing left to ascertain it
ever existed. Finding this kind of parasitic software
is harder than finding a needle in a haystack and
after its life's goal is complete, it as though it
never existed--no tangible evidence is left
HYGIENIST HELGA: Aha!,
Nothing, except for the change in the outcome
of the election results!
PROFESSOR: Astonishing,
isn't it! In fact, I've had many of my students do
this for an exercise in my classes, and they love it.
The possibilities are endless for some good pranks.
Though, I'll admit that the temptation to misuse
it is proving to make knowledge of it an
attractive nuisance.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
What do you. . .?
PROFESSOR: What I mean is,
for example, just last year one of my students admitted
to me that for her birthday she enjoys giving everyone
in New York a little present.
This lovely student hacked into the New York Library
computer system and gives everyone an extra three
days to keep their library books, which seems
harmless enough.
Obviously, the problem is with the malicious mischief
that can be done with this kind of knowledge.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Malicious software?
PROFESSOR: Yes, in fact,
even you can do some malicious mischief to
election tabulation in one of the most easy-to-hack
Diebold tabulation software systems, uh. . . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
I have a hard time--
PROFESSOR: Well, did
you see the televised demonstration where
Howard Dean and Bev Harris demonstrated
these new types of hi-jinx? In less than a minute,
they were able to "flip" the results from one
candidate's tally to the other's.
[Look wistful.]
I wish I had had Diebold equipment when I ran
for Student President at the LeSausserage
preparatory academy in the Alps in `64--my life
would have been very different, indeeed.
If Abigail. . . .well. . . [Laugh.]
HYGIENIST HELGA: Yes,
Professor, but, excuse me, I read that Molly Ivins,
do you know of her? She's read widely here in
the United States. She's, I'd say, an astute lefty,
a syndicated political satirist, who's said many
times that she doesn't believe this sort of
"wholesale" manipulation of the election
process is possible--
PROFESSOR: Really? Why?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Because, she says it would require a conspiracy.
PROFESSOR: However,
she's wrong. Avi Rubin of Johns Hopkins
says nowadays it would only take ONE
malicious software programmer--
a programmer who'd spend his or her life in
prison if the mischief were leaked. That's a
pretty good incentive to keep mum,
wouldn't you say?
By the way, I was one of HUNDREDS who
worked on the Manhattan Project, and we did a
pretty good job keeping that a secret, did we not?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Hmmmmm, what if a candidate shows a win
by a huge margin of victory? That, too, is a
reason people tell me that. . .
PROFESSOR: Do you
think software programs care?
Why would it make a difference if the software
generated a margin of victory by 1% or 100%,
except of course the gullibility of the public
who'd have to swallow the results.
Look, Saddam Hussein says he won his last
election unanimously, and I think he'd been
more believable if he had just said he won
by 1 or 2%. The net result would have been
the same, he'd still be. . . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Thank you, Professor, I do get your main points,
I think--these new high-tech vulnerabilities are
becoming more clear to me. Thank you. I'm
right in the middle of a hygiene demonstration,
but your information will come in quite handy
here, and so please forgive me that I must
abruptly say good-bye and call you
back later. [Click. Hang up the phone.]
Sorry for the interruption folks, that was a very
important call that I had to take.
Okay, where were we?
How do we know when our election
hygiene needs attention?
Traditionally, and around the world, we've
been reliant on exit polls to let us know
when elections have good hygiene and
are certifiably clean--
that is, free of contagions that imperil democracy.
Huh? [Look up and look perturbed.]
I heard that snicker. You scoff? About exit polls???
Okay, we'll come back to that. Now, I want to
introduce my fellow Nurse Needapaper.
NURSE NEEDAPAPER: [This edgy
character must be able to speak quickly and
forcibly. It helps if there person is well versed
in the issues.]
[Wave.] Glad to be here,
[Look up and smile] and to have
this opportunity to tell you ALL why the
invention of paper has been, and continues
to be, the most important invention in the
election hygiene movement.
[Look around and smile.]
If any of you thought you could mindlessly trust
computers, I think you might be very surprised
to learn that even Professor David Dill, a world
renowned computer scientist at Stanford,
said to be wary.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Look distraught and whisper to self:]
Oh Nooooooo. . . . [Because she realizes
she's going to get on her soap box.]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER: In fact,
he said it again just recently when he testified
at the Baker-Carter Commission in April
[2005]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Stage Whisper: Oh, Here it comes. . .]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
The Baker-Carter Commission convened
specifically to address the mountains of
anomalies from our last two Presidential
elections that are causing our constituency
to lose faith in the health of our democracy.
What Professor Dill testified was so brilliant
that I've committed it to memory, and so I quote:
[Look around and smile.]
HYGIENIST HELGA: [Hands on
head--massive headache]
[Stage Whisper: Ohhh Noooo!]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
[Read at a brisk clip.] "The basic problems
of e-voting can be understood without an in-depth
knowledge of computer technology. . . Suppose
voters dictated their votes, privately and anonymously,
to human scribes, and those voters were prevented
from inspecting the work of the scribes. Few would
accept such a system, on simple common-sense grounds.
Obviously, the scribes could accidentally or
intentionally mis-record the votes with no consequences.
Without ACCOUNTABILITY, a system
is simply not trustworthy, whether or not
computers are involved.
Are computers different in some important way
from human scribes?
Computers can execute programs accurately and
with great speed, but they are designed and
programmed by people who are no more reliable
than our hypothetical scribes.
Indeed, the construction of completely accurate
and reliable hardware and software is one of the
great unsolved problems of computer technology--
a problem that is actually growing worse with
the burgeoning complexity of computer
systems. End-Quote."
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Shakes head affirmatively to agree with this
conclusion.] Now, again, this isn't
just any ol' Larry Luddite saying this--this is a
computer scientist from Stanford! But. . . .
NURSE NEEDAPAPER
[Loud!] BUT NOTHING. You
mentioned, Diebold, and isn't it interesting that
they make ATM machines that obviously
provide paper receipts?
In fact, aside from its voting systems equipment,
just about ALL of Diebold's OTHER products
provide paper receipts. It's almost like. . .
[read a steady clip]
--like they don't want a hard copy record, like the
paper receipt that we get from every transaction
we make. . .
--like when you go to Walgreen's--to say, refill your
prescriptions, say, for Prozac, uh,
[look derailed.] Or maybe not. . . .
Uh, anyway. . . what I mean is that EVERY
transaction, no matter how small or inconsequential,
seems to have no problem in giving us a paper
record of the transaction--
HYGIENIST HELGA: But,
what about the cost?
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
[and throw down fist]
AND no big ruckus is made about the incredible
cost
HYGIENIST HELGA:
But, is it necessary?
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
Okay, here's a stunning fact:
[read very slowly and deliberately]
80% of all votes were cast on voting equipment
made by just two companies--Diebold & ES&S.
And, if that weren't cozy enough, the
President of Diebold and the vice President of
ES&S are brothers, AND both companies are
major contributors to the Republican Party.
And, if that weren't cozy enough, and
though he tried to lie about it to a Senate Ethic's
Panel, the Nebraska's republican Senator
Chuck Hagel used to be the president of ES&S.
The PRESIDENT of ES&S--conveniently the
same manufacturer that created the voting
machines that were used in HIS FIRST election
to his Senate seat.
A third of all votes in the last U.S. Presidential
election were cast on machines with NO
paper trail whatsoever, which is what
we Hygienists call the real
"faith based" voting.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
But don't we have. . . .
NURSE NEEDAPAPER
[Read at a fast clip.]
You might say, YES, BUT, this is
America, we have transparency
in our governmental systems, and we have
checks and balances. . . BUT
[Exasperation--exhale--]
I have to admit that my bedside manner
needs some improvement,
BUT those of you who think that we've got
proper safeguards assuring our election
hygiene--are. . .well. . .
[Staccato:]
DELU-SIO-NAL!!!!
[Start talking really fast. . .]
Did you know that even President
Jimmy Carter's coalition overseeing
elections wouldn't participate in the
oversight of our last Presidential election
here in the U.S.
--because we didn't meet their
MINIMUM standards of hygiene?
On the other hand, a third world country,
El Salvador! has gooood. . . .
[Look wild eyed, angry, beserko]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
--Ah, ah. . . My apologies for Nurse Needapaper's
outburst.
[Gently grab Nurse Needapaper by the
shoulders and squarely push her aside.]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
[Turn away from audience so that
you're profile is visibleto the audience and
dramatically dab browwith a sheet of paper.]
HYGIENIST HELGA: The threat
to our democracy's health gets her feverish, and
we election Hygienists do understand why she's
so passionate, but our delicate operations seeking
to improve this dire situation really require a level
head--we can't go berserk about all this--if ever
the CDC or the EAC will ever take us seriously.
We've got to
[turn around and swat an imaginary irritant--]
. . . to get them to listen to us, as well
as all of our patients to listen to us--and to heed
our warnings--if ever we are to really improve things.
[Ring, ring. Hygienist Helga picks up the phone.]
Registrar of Voters BILLY-BOB:
Hiya Hildy, this is Bill-Bob, the Registrar of Voters
in Ti-kon-dar-ooo County, and hope I'm not
interruptin,' BUT. . . . I'm callin' `cuz' I have a
real quandary. I've been out gettin'
wined and dined by some ol' e-voting
machine salesmen. I'm really considera-in. . .
They've got some sweeeet stuff they're offerin'
to me--to make my life smooth.
Real smoooth!
I mean, do you KNOW how much I've got on
my plate over here to run elections?
I've got a telephone book's worth of
new regulations `cuz-uh HAVA.
What my buddies like to call the
"Hate America Vote Act."
[Snicker.]
Ah, you know what I mean, anytime I hear
them say they're gonna "help," our skies,
our schools, our. . . we all oughta run for the. . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
It was supposed to help correct the hanging
chad problems and other election hygiene
issues that flared up in the 2000 election and. . . .
Registrar of Voters BILLY-BOB:
Okay, okay, I saw a new voting machine that
has a verified voter paper audit trail, just like
ol' Secretary of State Kevin Shelley's new
rule says we oughta have here in California
before 2006.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Yes, the 2006 "AVVPAT" requirement --
"AVVPAT." As you know stands for:
Accessible Voter Verified Paper Audit Trail.
BILLY-BOB:
Anyway, I saw this new machine and the
paper trail on it was all coiled up like cash register
receipt roll, and I guess the voter's supposeda
look at it through a small glass winda. I doubt too
many people will bother with that, but that's
not my question.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Yeah, what about. . .
BILLY-BOB: Wait a minute--
let me finish my thought. . .
Wasn't the whole point of ol' Secretary of
State Shelley to make the ballots something
ordinary folks like me could actually read--
I mean, a paper trail. So, ya know, that
if there were a recount, or audit, or somethin'
that the precinct would have a record there
to recount the vote?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Yah, sure!
BILL-BOB: But, on the
other hand, I've got a cruise package all lined up
for me just as soon as I can secure this deal!
The trouble is I can't figure out how'd we look
at that curled-up roll--to count it.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Billy-Bob, you schweiner hund
[pig dog]!
This is a betrayal of our voters!
I can't talk, but for just a sec here, because
I'm in the middle of a demonstration, and
I want to share something really exciting,
but, YES, you have revealed a flaw! It is clear
that this voting equipment vendor's lame excuse
to comply with the new law will likely require
their special technicians to view it in the event
of a recount--
--WHICH would keep it under their PRIVATE
domain rather than the PUBLIC's!
Do they own OUR votes?
Ach du Lieber!!!
[or Despicable!!!]
BILLY-BOB: But, what
about trade secrets. . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Don't even get me going when they say we
can't examine their proprietary software,
because it's protected by trade secret.
And we pay for this abuse?
BILLY BOB: Yeah, but. . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
But? But, back to the lame solution you're
being offered. The paper is not archival.
It's like the old fax paper where the ink
soon starts to disappear.
BILLY BOB: Does anyone
even use old fax paper anymore?
HYGIENIST HELGA: And,
as if that weren't all quite enough--I don't have
time to go into it right now,
BUT there has been a documented incident proving
that if someone had the diligence to do so, that
they could ascertain,
by the sequence of the votes listed on the scroll,
how someone voted.
BILLY-BOB: But who'd
care how we'd vote, `cept. . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
That's not the point, there are a lot of problems--
which could be solved by merely having an old
fashioned, easy to shuffle, piece of paper--a verified
voter paper ballot--to remain at the precinct and to
be relied upon in the event of a recount or audit.
As they say, it isn't rocket science to do it right,
but it seems they have to use rocket science
to do it wr-- Oh, Billy! I must call you back--
you understand--
[Click. Steps away
and turns back to audience.]
BILLY-BOB: [Continues talking even
though Helga hung up on him.]
But, the disabled persons! They just
met with the equipment vendor fellas too, and
they say they need the electronic voting right
NOW. . .now. . .do you hear. . . ?
[voice trails off. . . ]
[Then, stage whisper:
"Oh, well, if this doesn't work out,
those nice fellas promised me a job with `em.
Or, maybe I'll just join them after I buy
some of their equipment--the job is probably
easier and better pay. I've got kids, I've got a
mortgage. It's not like their bad guys--they're
great guys! I mean, what would you do?"]
[Billy-Bob's phone rings. Buzz, buzz. . . ]
BILLY-BOB: Howdie, it's Billy-Bob,
Registrar Voters. . .
SON OF BILLY-BOB: Da-duh,
I needa $500 bicycle and mom-ma says we can join
the Uptown Swimming Club, and. . .
BILLY-BOB: Son, I've gotta
deadline and ton a work my head's about to split
in two and. . .
[Sigh! Voice trails off as he walks off stage
with the phone]
HYGIENIST HELGA: Okay,
I'm back. Oh, how I wish I had an unlisted number,
and as you can see, an election Hygienist's job
is never done. So, where's was I?
Exit polls? Hmmmm?
[Look around with narrowed eyes?]
I know some of you are still scoffing about the
value of exit polls! Well, let me tell you, the
results of the exit polls are what we've been
using to impugn the credibility of other
nation's elections for decades now!
For instance, you want to talk about the
Dewey-Truman election in 1948?
The exit polls were clearly wrong!
Do you really think that pollsters have
been sleeping for the last 50 years?
Do you really think that polling techniques have
not advanced during that . .
[A child Hygienist, Hygienist Hope, runs in
with another x-ray.]
HYGIENIST HOPE: Pardon me,
pardon me, so sorry to interrupt this way, but,
but it's an emergency. I have to get back and
tell Hygienist Lincoln right . . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Oh dear! What, let me see. . .
[examine the x-ray carefully and mumble
something to the Hygienist Hope.]
Everyone, this is another one of our finest
election Hygienists, Hygienist Hope. If you all
really knew what's she's responsible for. . . .
It's the future. Please take a bow for our good
people here.
HYGIENIST HOPE:
[Nods head.]
Thank you. Thank you.
[Walks away with the x-ray.]
[Nurse Needapaper storms back on.]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
[Furious] I do have to make a point.
I really do have to make ONE point here,
Hygienist Helga. You are fixated
on one part of the problem, but it is a systemic
problem, don't you see? [Slam down
two boxes on a table.]
Here, [lift up the shoe box]
I just ran out to my car and found an old
shoe box, and it's not a shoe box. . .
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Impatient sigh]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER
It's a voting machine box. Now this shoelace is a
modem line, a link, to the PRECINCT's tabulator.
--You have to use your imaginations, okay? It's a
modem, a link, that takes the data from our polling
booth to the precinct's central tabulator. Okay? See?
HYGIENIST HELGA: The
Precinct's Central Tabulator!
[Irritated sigh]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER: Now,
look at this. I happened to have this larger box in
my car.
[Hold up for viewing a larger box with at
least 10 shoes laces hanging from it.]
All these strings go from a PRECINCT central tabulator
to this bigger box--our COUNTY's central tabulator.
Got that?
Precinct Tabulator to the county Tabulator?
HYGIENIST HELGA: The
COUNTY has a Central Tabulator? It has one, too?
[Roll eyes]
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
See all these strings hanging from it--just lines
dangling from it--the links to the County
Central Tabulator?
They ALL ultimately link to an even larger box.
You lucked out, I don't have a larger box,
but if I did, you'd see a really big box with hundreds
of strings hanging from it the STATE's Central
Tabulator.
Here's my point. If you think of a our election
voting system as a plumbing system, and not just
a one box, you will realize that a broken line at
any juncture. . .
[Slowly start to pluck out the
strings from the boxes--one at a time.]
is just more unacceptable vulnerability.
I just want to show I don't trust these lines.
Too many things can happen.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Nod affirmatively.]
Well, YES, all election
Hygienists do agree that needless vulnerabilities,
such as these, are a big NO-NO for proper election hygiene.
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
Did I mention, we need PAPER! Paper's
reallyuseful and can be relied upon for all sorts of
hygiene, including election. . . .
[Hygienist Needapaper continues to twist
the shoes laces while Hygienist Helga speaks.]
HYGIENIST HELGA: When you
brought up the centralized tabulation vulnerabilities. . . .
Yes, Yes, YES, election Hygienists will NEVER
forget the appearance of impropriety with Triad!
Oh dear, Triad, also with partisan beholden ownership.
You probably know, but in case you don't,
Triad is the election tabulation . . .
[ring, ring]
HYGIENIST HELGA: Hellooo?
SON OF BILLY-BOB:
[Sounds worried.]
Do you know where my da-duh, Registrar
of Voters Billy-Bob, is? He's missing again,
and last we saw `em he said he was walking
in circles saying his head hurt, but then sister
said he--
[Click!]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Abruptly hangs up phone, but continues
unfazed.]
No, we don't want any today. Thank you!
[Click.]
So, Triad is the election company in Ohio,
which during the recount of the last Presidential
election, permitted its technicians to have
unsupervised access to the vote data tabulation
machines--complete with "cheat sheets"--
to make sure the numbers came out to a
predetermined number that they deemed correct.
[Ring, Ring, Ring--no one answers]
But, Nurse Needapaper, with all due respect, I know
what you're trying to say here, but I'm afraid you're
just confusing our good folks. Let me just say
there are lots of vulnerabilities--gaps--in our
election systems right now. Obviously, whatever
remedies we think up must address not just the
voting machine, but the entire system.
I do thank you for raising this point. Ah, but now
do please step aside--I have something quite
exciting I want to reveal to these good folks. . . .
[Nurse Needapaper drops her boxes on
the table, crosses her arms, and walks away.]
[Ring, Ring. . .]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Exasperated, picks up the phone.]
Excuse me, everyone, I do have to take this--
I am ALWAYS on call--it is one of the hardest
aspects of being an election Hygienist.
Helloooo, Hygienist Helga here. It seems to be a bad
connection. Wait a minute.
[Swirl the phone in a circle and then pick up
the receiver again.]
I think there is radio interference, which is also a
problem with communicating ANY data using
the new wireless features like some county clerks. . .
HYGIENIST SOLOMON:
Hello, am I catching you at a bad moment?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Oh Hygienist Solomon! What are you calling
about--everything okay there in Nevada? We've
been so concerned, we haven't heard from you
since the 2004 election. Whatever happened?
You got the voter verified paper audit trails,
but then where'd you go? No one heard from you?
What in heaven's earth happened! We've been so
worried!
HYGIENIST SOLOMON:
Did you know Las Vegas is in this state.
Need I say more? What's the date anyway?
HYGIENIST HELGA: It's
[name the date]! We've not
heard from you since December 2004!
HYGIENIST SOLOMON:
Wow. It's still [name the month].
Uh, let's just say I got a little disappointed.
Hmmmm, I don't know how to say this.
We were riding high, we had the verified voter
audit trails, but guess what?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Annoyed!]
What? What? Solomon, but what?
HYGIENIST SOLOMON:
There was, how shall I say it, there was
no recount and those blessed precious paper
trails you all worked so hard for--in fact
they've been destroyed.
Obliterated--a term not uncommon over
here in Las Vegas.
When they say,
"What happens here, stays here,"
they're not kidding.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Obliterated?
HYGIENIST SOLOMON: I'll
tell you one thing about people here, they know
gaming when they smell it, and that's probably
why they knew they had to have those paper trails.
It's all meaningless if they're never counted. Look,
Hygienist Helga, we were idiots, we should have
read the fine print where it says they are not to
be relied upon UNLESS there is a tight margin
of victory. All they had to do was make sure
the margin wasn't tight.
DO YOU FOLLOW?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Looking flushed.]
May I have a drink of. . .
[Someone hands her a glass and she takes
dramatic pause to sip the water.]
Solomon? Solomon? Solomon? Where is the
justice?
[She takes a dramatic pause to
put on one latex glove]
Do you mean to tell me that we're going
to have to ask for mandatory hand
[hold up the gloved hand and wiggle fingers]
random, genuinely RANDOM, audits--
of at least--5 percent on every single election?
HYGIENIST SOLOMON:
Correctamente! Democracy ain't
cheap and it's gettin' ain't cheaper by the
second. Yep, we're going to be called wild
eyed radicals for asking for--ACCOUNTABILITY.
Hey, Helggie, I'd love to chat longer, but I've gotta go
--catcha later--babe.
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
[Yells in disdain from the audience.]
See, Hygienist Helga, I told you so! And,
you never listen!
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Excuuussee me?
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
There's a problem here that even you, supposedly,
the wisest of us missed about all this. Yeah,
what Hygienist Solomon just said, and also
something else disturbing, and why we need paper:
Just think about it. When we use these
new voting gizmos, how do we even know
there's a 1-to-1 correspondence between
the vote we cast and what it says on the
paper?
I mean, think about it? What if I vote for Mr. Scary
and the paper trail, as you call it, shows Mr. Scary,
and then I go home self-satisfied that I cast my
vote for Mr. Scary, but that vote data stored in
the machine--the vote data that will be sent to
the centralized tabulation systems actually registered
my vote as being for Mr. Mush?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Yet. . .
NURSE NEEDAPAPER: Yet,
how would we ever even know-- UNLESS we
have mandatory, genuinely random,
HAND-COUNTED audits of at least 5%
of all the voter verified paper ballots, which you've
been referring to as the voter verified paper
audit trails.
HYGIENIST HELGA: So, what
are you proposing?
NURSE NEEDAPAPER: Like
what Solomon was saying, it's like. . . like. . .
the battle cry of those radical extremists. . .
ACCOUNTANTS! who say:
Audit-ability equals legitimacy!
Don't you see, routine election audits would
assure everyBODY that we have a healthy
and thriving democracy.
We need paper, YES!
AND
We need what has become known as a
"Gold Star Audit" with these five
points as requirements:
Well, let's see, uh. . . .
[pause to ponder]
Well, the five basic points in
a "Gold Star Audit:". . . .
Point Number. . .
(1) When! mandatory audits of
ALL elections.
Point number two. . . .
(2) What! (Step one): a
genuinely random sampling of,
at a minimum, 5%
percent of all precincts.
Point number three. . . .
(3) What! (Step two):
Within the random
sampling mentioned above, we
must always recount 100%
of the paper ballots
(or paper audit trails).
Point number four. . . .
(4) How! Hand-counted.
And point number five. . . .
(5) Who! & Where! It must have
non-partisan oversight
in a public forum.
Oh, and. . . .
*And please do note that the 5% figure
mentioned for the sampling is subject to
change if credible scientific indicates
that it is prudent.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Huh? Just two simple things, really,
paper ballots and a "Gold Star Audits"?
NURSE NEEDAPAPER:
Yes, the paper ballots may also be called
paper trails, depending on where you live--
but as long as we've got paper to rely upon,
AND. . .insist on a Gold Star Audit, we'll have
some basic hygiene `round here.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
It's quite simple--just two things are needed to
maintain our democratic health--not too difficult.
Hmmmm. . .hmmmmm, well if that's case
why the complication of these crazy machines
in the first place. . . .
[ponderous]
Why do we even have to spend all this
Help America Vote Act billions-BILLIONS
of taxpayer dollars--on these partisan owned
electronic voting vendors' equipment
in the first place, which I've been told will
likely be only a DOWN-PAYMENT
on the true cost of operating these systems?
What's the point, I guess what I don't understand
is the point of HAVA?
[Ring, Ring--Hygienist Helga,
picks up the phone]
Registrar of Voters BILLY-BOB:
Hiya Hilldy Honey. I just want to let you
know that I really had no choice, the blind people--
you know all those disabled people--good folks
you know--'cept they've been breathing down
my neck for the new hi-tech equipment, and
also it has all the required multi-language features.
I just had to do it, I mean HAVA isn't giving
us Registrars of Voters much wiggle room in
the interpretation of this stuff. Had ta let
ya know, darlin.' Bye now -- know
you're busy.
[Click!]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Wha? Blasted. . .! Oh, excuse me. . . .
I can't believe that, I just can't believe that.
What is wrong with him? Hasn't he read
"Mythbreakers" by VotersUnite.org that
clearly spells out what the Help America
Vote Act really mandates?! Billy-Bob could
have complied with HAVA by only purchasing
one electronic voting machine per precinct to
accommodate the disabled. And, even better,
he may not have had to buy any of that funky
equipment at all. This is most disappointing.
[Rake hands through hair.]
The prognosis for our democracy declines
with the purchase of each and every one of
these slot card technology machines until we
gain the proper checks and balances that made
our country great.
California Highway Patrol ("CHP") officer:
[Walks in and confronts Hygienist Helga.]
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Looks startled]
CHP: Are you Hygienist Helga?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
[Hesitatingly]
Welllll,Yeeesss?
CHP: I was told you'd be here,
I have a warrant for your arrest.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
My Arrest? You must be mistaken. For what?
CHP: Did you willfully
exceed the limits of the Constitution?
HYGIENIST HELGA:
No. Never, wha?
CHP: I have a warrant for
your arrest for exceeding the limits of the
Constitution. Clearly you must know
that our great Constitution does not offer
any explicit right to vote--
. . . It's merely implied--
and, YES, it's well accepted, true enough--that
there is a right to vote.
But, you of all people must know that the
real governance over our voting rights is
left to the control of the states, and that's
where you're clearly trying to exceed
your rights?
It's like you think the entire nation, on a
federal level, should have clear guidelines
on how elections should be conducted.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Well, if you put it that way, guilty as charged--
I do think we all suffer terribly when even one
state refuses to keep their election hygiene in
tip-top-shape, but I was just about to tell these
good people about the importance of exit polls--
--how very important they are as a tool, an index,
to tell us if our election hygiene is good or. . . .
CHP: Excuse me m'am,
but I do believe I can handle that--that's really
my territory isn't it? I mean exit polls seem to
confuse civilians, but I deal with them all the time
in a manner of speaking. Really.
If you think about it, an exit poll is just like a
speedometer on your car. But, everybody knows
that speedometers aren't perfectly accurate, right?
Easily they can be off by as much as 5 mph. So
if your speedometer says you going 70 mph, and
you get a speeding ticket for going 75 mph, well,
you probably will accept that. . . .
BUT what if I pull you over and say you're
going 75, but your speedometer is reading only
50 mph? Oh My, would you'd be
screamin'! I can hear ya now--My attorney. . !
My attorney. . !
Yeah, at that point you'd say something is
seriously wrong--either your speedometer is
broken or my radar machine is just darn blinky.
This is the key idea--this is how it's just like an
exit poll--the magnitude of the discrepancy is
what makes its calls either plausible or implausible.
Just like traffic cops, statisticians have a range of
error that they'll accept. PEOPLE, statistics is
a science--based on the laws of probability
and mathematics--it uses strict criteria
to drive its conclusions.
HYGIENIST HELGA:
Yah!
The Ukraine reversed its Presidential
election last year based on exit polls
showing a discrepancy of, at minimum,
4.7 percentage points.
But, in the last Presidential election, the U.S.'s
minimum range of discrepancy was, an even
larger gap than the Ukraine's. Our discrepancy
was--a whopping 5.5 percentage points!
This is precisely why the 2004 election results
are implausible to a multitude of distinguished
mathematicians, statisticians, and scientists who
depend on the reliability of their standardized
methods.
CHP: 2004? Hey lady,
you're not suggesting our last Presidential
election was screwy? Ok, that's it, Lady!
You're coming with me.
[Hands Helga her ticket then grabs here
hand and pulls her to the door]
HYGIENIST HELGA :
[Shrieks]
My attorney. . .!
Where's the justice? Diebold gets ex-embezzlers
and computer felons to write OUR election software
and you're taking ME away for. . . .
[Dragged off stage protesting and shrieking.]
[Hygienist Hope runs back on holding
another x-ray--looking for Hygienist Helga.]
[Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring]
[Hygienist Hope picks up the phone.]
PROFESSOR: Hi! Professor Strait
calling from Canada. May I speak to Hygienist Helga?
HYGIENIST HOPE: No,
I can't seem to locate her at the moment.
This is Hygienist Hope, may I take a message?
PROFESSOR: Um, well,
let me think. . . . Please tell her that I just heard
this morning that my paper will be published,
and that it's already gotten very high praise.
It is on how the privatization movement in the
U.S. is leaving the citizens over there without
the protections and transparency that you've
all come to expect from your government.
Do you have any clue what impact that
will have on your democracy's future if
you don't act fast? This hardly putting a
man on the moon, in fact, it's. . . .oh,
I guess this message is a bit long.
Uh, please just tell her Professor Strait
will call her back.
BUT, for you young Hygienist, the admonishment
of Stalin still says it all, "Those you vote
decide nothing, BUT those who COUNT
the votes decide EVERYTHING!"
[click]
[Hygienist Hope puts down the phone, SHRUGS,
then and runs off stage with the x-ray.]
THE END
Question & Answer Session:
Emphasize that it's not rocket science to
solve this, we just need:
A) On every vote, we need paper, i.e. accessible
voter verified paper audit trails--AVVPATs.
(Though the preferred term is now accessible
voter verified paper ballots--AVVPBs).
-AND-
B) The Gold Standard Audit requires
the following five points:
1. The Gold Star Audit standard requires
mandatory audits on all elections
2. A Gold Star Audit requires a
genuinely random selection of a minimum of 5%,
subject to change based on credible scientific
information suggesting it would be prudent
to increase the sampling size
3. A Gold Star Audit requires 100%
recount within the selected sampling
4. A Gold Star Audit requires that the
same be hand-counted
5. A Gold Star Audit must have
non-partisan oversight in a public forum
Also, it is suggested that unaffiliated people join
forces with a local DFA, Wellstone, Progressive
Democrats of America, or similar citizen groups
to create an "election integrity" committee if one
doesn't already exist.
Every community must have watchdog group
to be certain that the billions HAVA
($3.8B thus far) funds slated to
be spent in the coming months are spent
wisely and not merely squandered as
down-payments on equipment that may
soon become obsolete, or worse, equipment
that may rob citizens of their votes.
Finally, everyone should continue to write the
media and representatives to pass one of the
many election reform bills currently stalled
in Congress.
Props Needed:
-3 adult lab coats
-1 child lab coat
-CHP helmet
-2 xrays: one real and one poster board graphic of a
dark stringy convoluted mess
-large [easily visible] telephone
and bell for the "ringing"
-cell phone for Solomon and Billy-Bob
-smoking pipe for the Professor
-nurse's cape for Nurse Needapaper
-a pair of latex gloves
-two (toy) stethescopes [one for Hygienist
Helga and one for Nurse Needapaper]
-glass of water [for Hygienist Helga]
-CHP ticket and/or clipboard
-Two Boxes: shoe box with one shoe lace string
and a larger box with innumerable shoe laces
hanging from it
Cast of Characters:
- Hygienist Hygienist Helga
- Professor (Cornelia or Cornelius) Strait
- Hygienist NeedaPaper
[This character is edgy, strident & able to
speak very briskly]
- Registrar of Voters Billy-Bob
- Hygienist Hope (child)
- Hygienist Solomon
- CHP Officer
- Son of Billy-Bob (child)