From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We could use a good laugh...
"The Trade Bank of Iraq issued the first ever credit card and now, thanks to us, the Iraqi people are free to borrow money at 30% interest. It's good to see our lifestyle over there."
--Jay Leno
"It was reported that since the verdict was announced, sales of Michael Jackson's CDs have gone up significantly. After hearing about it, Michael Bolton announced he sleeps with young boys."
---Conan O'Brien
"President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton."
--David Letterman
"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes."
--Leno
"I was told that they had people ready to tackle me if I tried to, you know, get up close to him. And they were worried about me maybe flashing or streaking through the dinner. And I mean, I can't believe they'd think I would do that. I'm a serious politician."
--Porn star Mary Carey on attending a GOP fundraising dinner which President Bush attended. Expressed mathematically as: Bush + Porn Star = Total silence from the Christian Right.
"A lot of Republicans have come forward to criticize Howard Dean about his latest comments about the Republican Party. Let me tell you something: if Dean wants to insult you and make outrageous statements he should do what the Republicans do and get a talk show on Fox News."
--Leno
Have a great weekend! Shed some clothing. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Friday, June 17, 2005...
Note: What's that smell?
By the Numbers:
Days `til Father's Day: 2
Days `til the Yearly Kos convention: 357
Number of Representatives asking for an official inquiry on Bush's pre-war shenanigans: 122
Drop in Bush's approval rating in the last month among 30-44 year-olds: 14 points
(Source: CBS News/NYT poll)
Number of flag-burning incidents in the USA in 2004: 1
High temperature in Portland yesterday: 52°
Hours of electricity Iraqis will have today: ???
NBA Finals: 2-2
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,206
Days spent at terror alert Green or Blue: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Cocker snark: "Ever hear of a lawn mower, Einstein?"
CHEERS to the Associated Press. Sure, they're late to the party, but their coverage of yesterday's Downing Street Minutes hearings is a good start. Their headline: "Democrats question pre-war actions." Our headline: "Conyers pulls Bush's fingers out of the dike. Insurance companies double White House flood insurance premiums."
P.S. CNN is on it. And USA Today. And the New York Times. And ABC News. And Fox News. And the Washington Post. And NBC News. How about the outlets in your neck of the woods?
P.P.S. How appropriate that, 33 years ago today, five burglars were arrested inside DNC headquarters at the Watergate complex. It was the start of Nixon's downfall as president. Not a good omen for Mr. Bush. Misleading congress is an impeachable offense, you know.
CHEERS to Senator Dick Durbin. Of course the right-wingers were going to go apeshit over his Nazi/gulag comments. But his point---which he clarified yesterday---still stings: "This is the kind of thing you expect from repressive regimes but not from the United States." Dick Durbin speaks for me.
CHEERS to Senator eBay. Anyone who wonders whether Hillary Clinton has what it takes to reel in rural middle class voters should read this big fish tale. I believe the term is "setting the hook."
JEERS to history lessons ignored. A ragtag band of tough liberation-minded insurgents, hell-bent on kicking out a large, unwanted occupying army led by arrogant neocon blockheads, wins the hearts and minds of the people by unexpectedly kicking ass. Iraq? Nope...the Battle of Bunker Hill. 230 years ago today. This grog's for you, Colonel Prescott.
JEERS to big fat fakers. Some English twit who claimed he was "virtually unable to walk"---and collected £17,000 in disability payments for 10 years---got busted when authorities found a photo of him wrastlin' with a gator in Florida. Sentence: 12 months in jail and nothing but water and English food.
CHEERS to Babes on the Bench. 24 years ago tomorrow, Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart retired and was replaced by the first female justice, Sandra Day O'Connor. Rehnquist and the Boys were pissed---they had to start wearing pants to work.
JEERS to progress, Bush-style. Three separate stories in today's Portland Press Herald indicate that a) the White House managed to dilute global warming language in a document prepared for the upcoming G-8 summit, b) the White House refused to let several members of Congress through the gates to deliver the signatures of 560,000 American citizens and 122 members of Congress calling for a response to the Downing Street Minutes, and c) the Senate passed a provision requiring that 10% of our energy be generated from alternative sources by 2020 "over the objections of the White House..." Jeebus...and they call us obstructionists.
CHEERS to asking the tough questions. C&J has sent inquiries to Raw Story, AmericaBlog, Bob's Newswire and others...and all have come up empty. So maybe you can tell me: With John Ashcroft's departure as Attorney general, did they lift the drapes off that statue at the Justice Department? Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?
CHEERS to the Word of the Day. Courtesy of Paul Krugman in today's New York Times, who does a great job of putting the Ohio Coingate scandal into perspective: "Weirder". Documentary makers oughtta be drooling like Pavlov's dog. Sic 'em!
JEERS to `Knuckledragger Idol'---Round 1. Leaders of right-wing Christian groups have started auditioning GOP prez contenders (as you can see in the photo, Peter Lorre is one of the judges). C&J has obtained a secret transcript of Bill Frist's first test: Committee: "Squeal like a pig, Senator!!" Frist: "Squee! Squeee! Snrksnrk Oinkoink!!" Committee: "Not bad, not bad." Frist: "No, wait! I can do it better!" I don't wanna know what Round 2 involves.
JEERS to the birds. Apparently, it's not a matter of if avian flu will hit America, but when. Next time you hear a pigeon sneeze, run for your life. But be polite...don't forget "Gesundheit."
CHEERS to Thomas Oliphant. In today's must-read, the amazing Boston Globe columnist writes about surviving a brain aneurysm. Thanks for the insight. But don't ever let that happen again. We need you....and your reality-based brain.
JEERS to the Gipper's Legacy. 18 years ago today, President Reagan announced the retirement of Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger. His brilliant replacement: Antonin "Dick" Scalia. And we thought Iran-Contra was his blackest stain.
CHEERS to Democracy, the Way way. Big referendum in a Wisconsin town Tuesday to annex a bunch of land. The polling place was open for 13 hours, but only one vote was cast. That's because Randy Way is the area's only resident. Yeah, well...I still demand a recount.
JEERS to musical abuse. Barry Manilow turns 59 today. `Copacabana' is the one method of torture even the President won't authorize. >>ducks and runs<<
C&J Flashback: June 17, 2004...
CHEERS to gravity. What goes up must come down. Immediately after 9/11, Bush's Quinnipiac approval rating in New York State soared to 82%. A year ago [June, 2003] he had dropped to 52%. Now the latest poll has him at 36. Sir Isaac Newton would be pleased.
JEERS to liberation, American style. A new poll of Iraqis in 6 cities reveals 55% feel they would be safer if we just left their country. Funny. That's the same percentage of Americans who would feel safer if Bush just left our country.
And just one more...
CHEERS to Tom Burka. Oh...my...god. His Ask Dr. Frist column is a mighty therapeutic way to end a week full of GOP wankerduggery. At least until you get his bill.
See ya Tuesday, my pretties. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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