Judy Miller's First Prison Dispatch

Dateline-Women's Correctional Facility.

Special to the NY Times

I am having a really fucking hard time in here. That being said, I have uncovered a scandal that will knock the socks off of my loyal Times readers.

A source of mine, let's call her Ahchmeda "Monster Knockers" C. has been letting me in on what truly is going on inside the cafeteria.

Sure they look like almonds, they have the blue diamonds on the box, and we get some slivered into our danishes as treats on Saturdays, but that is Cyanide my friend. Cyanide smells just like almonds as anybody who watches Law & Order can attest.

Ahchmeda is wanted by the Canadian government for passing bad checks in the amount of $30,000,000 canadian, or $5 US dollars true, but she is completely reliable. I can vouch for her.

The prison may appear to be on the up and up, but if was so perfect, why am I fucking here?

I suggest we use depleted uranium shells to destroy the cafeteria after I have been surgically removed by a commando team. I would call it Operation Just Desserts!

I w an t to fucking go home mommy!

This is Judy Miller reporting.