The following is a political séance with Richard M. Nixon.
"Good evening, Mr. President. Thank you for joining us."
"It's my pleasure! I knew you would be calling. I've heard whispers."
"Whispers, Mr. President?"
"Yes, I hear lots of whispers, sometimes even wistful yearnings. Lately I've received the kindest sentiments from so many people. You miss me. You really miss me! People are thinking 'I miss Nixon'. Can you imagine that? Actually missing Nixon! Even liberals are missing me. It's too much. Excuse me, I'm tearing up. I am overcome by the kindness and appreciation. You guys make me feel like Sally Field at the Oscars. Thank you. God bless you all!"
"Thank You, Mr. President."
"Please, not so formal. You can call me 'President Nixon'."
"Thank you, President Nixon. Would you like to continue, sir?"
"First, I would like to say I'm sorry, sorry for more things than I can name. I'm grateful for the kindness that I have received. I'm thankful for the kindness I have given. I have learned some hard truths and I want to share the benefit of my experience. So, it's
time to take off the gloves and sock it to them!"
"I am appalled, utterly appalled by the debt we owe to China! They're holding billions of our bonds. They are buying our oil companies with the proceeds. What are you people thinking? This is not my beautiful foreign policy! This is not my Grand Old Party! I didn't open China so that greedy idiots of my own Party could sell us down the Yangtze River! I opened China because I respected the potential danger China represents. Wake up Americans! You are doing nothing while China builds its army, its intelligence network, its economic power. We are financing China's economic growth! Companies that I would have called 'American' are outsourcing jobs and expertise, heedless of the long-term destruction they are causing to my country, to your country. I am astonished by the business community and remind them the 'ostrich' defense will not work. You will not be excused for trading this country's future for short-term gain."
"But I must reserve my most withering scorn for the leadership and the elected officials of my own party, my Republican Party. Didn't you guys learn anything from me? Aren't you tired of the lies? Do you think your parlor tricks are making America safer? Big deal, you won a second term. Ask me about second terms. What have you accomplished? Have you measured your effectiveness? I have. The good news is, you make me look good. The bad news is, You Suck!"
- You've borrowed money from the damn Commies and everybody else to finance tax cuts for the rich. I know, they were 'my rich' too, but I didn't give them the Treasury!
- You've threatened Social Security. This is reason enough to doubt your sanity.
- You and some religious bigots have taken fag bashing to a new, terrible level, one I find extremely disturbing. How dare you picket military funerals to scream `God Hates Queers'? Get some therapy or get out of the Party.
- You invaded a Middle Eastern police state on pretext that wouldn't get me into Cambodia. Your foolish invasion created a training camp for urban warfare. Congratulations. Graduates from the class of 2005 will be arriving before year's end.
- You took your eye off the real enemy. That enemy has now metastasized into multiple enemies.
"Worst of all,
you have not protected Americans at home. Ports and borders are recklessly neglected. Chemical plants and nuclear power stations are vulnerable because you don't want to upset your campaign contributors. Scrambling to get out of Iraq before you get killed in the off-year elections is not going to work. And it doesn't really matter who wins the next set of elections, because there is a long list of deficiencies to address and
we've run out of time and options. Partisan excuses will not be accepted."
"I'm glad I didn't live to see the day when my Republican Party controlled the Executive, House and Senate and could not manage to govern effectively or fairly. I am mortified to find my Republican Party consumed by greed and pride. I am embarrassed to see the pride of the men who have succeeded me in office. Pride has blinded you from duty but has not removed your responsibility. That's why I am here, to warn there is no 'spin' in Heaven. There will be an accounting, an accounting totally resistant to excuses or debate. Your country is at war and there is work to do. Do your job and protect the people of the United States! And that's all I have to say. Good night, and may God Bless America."
"Thank you, President Nixon."